Heart To Heart

 I remember early on in my blog someone had commented that a Heart to Heart with Mamma is always beneficial.I thought it was time,and perhaps this far in his recovery he may actually be able to have a True Heart to Heart.
 I was Curious about his thoughts on what actually got him started on this Road.I knew he had a good Home....Lots of love...lots of extended family.. friends.....privileges.. responsibility..consequence's..But he also had ADHD..and of course Genetics..
 He felt the ADHD played a part..He was honest in saying in school he tried Marijuana..But when you have ADHD the effect is the opposite of what most experience..it wasn't the calming feel good effect..that his friends experienced..so he was not drawn to it..Kinda like Ritalin gives others a high..for him..It offers a calm effect..able to concentrate..etc.slows his body & brain down. So he drank..It changed his personality..but not in a good way..made him aggressive..constantly into fights..It wasn't until he had surgery 6 years ago that he actually felt a good high...the percocets..and that little stop sign that most of us have neglected to wave & warn him...This may not be a good thing...It was the start of his downhill...from popping percs..to snorting..smoking..and finally to needles..and it was no longer percs..it had to be a bigger high..a more potent drug to achieve..more money..and less & less control..till it & he was totally out of control...

 I just let him talk.. I listened..offered no motherly advice..he didn't need it..he knows..he suffers from addiction..he knows how it has affected his family..His self esteem..his relationships.. His Health..The difference is the Addict doesn't doesn't care..But My son Does..and this is why I can never give up on him..never give up hope..He is in there..and is slowly emerging back to my son..one day at a time..xoxox

Clean Sweep

I had a really bad day yesterday.It started when I woke up and heard on the radio the police had arrested over 40 people in overnight drug raids, a four month investigation dubbed "Clean Sweep"

It was to continue all day with home searches and further arrests.

I kept waiting & watching for that knock on the door.Even tho my son has been in recovery for almost 4 months now,that fear,that doubt is still there.In a small population, 40 is quite a haul..this is sad.

The good thing is it has taken many many drugs off the street..and perhaps will help others to say I've had enough,time to get help.

There was no knock at the door.

My son remains in recovery doing well,for today.My heart goes out to those parents who got caught up in this operation,handcuffed,as the police tore their homes apart and took away their child..Or the children who witnessed their parent/parents being pulled away, This is the true face of addiction..Any way you look at it,it is a lose/lose situation.

My hope is some of those caught up in the sweep will reach for help and have the treatment available to achieve recovery and move on with life instead of death.

A a footnote to this news... it was also announced 5 Nursing positions were  to be cut in our Mental Health & Addiction Programs..Way to go !!! In a time when we are fighting for better treatment,increased beds in our detox,more openings in the methadone program, seamless care in mental health..they cut & slash..Yes people our government is listening..But not to those who put them in power.
Shame Shame.

Ring Ring

After searching for the phone number for our new Chief Mental Health and Addictions Officer,I finally came across a number and put in my call and left a message.Last night the phone rang and there she was!! I was very impressed she took the time to return my call,especially after hours.It went downhill quickly from there.

She informed me she was no longer taking new patients,apparently the number I called was her private practise ( my bad).I then explained that was not what I was looking for.We wished to speak to her in her new role.Give her our experiences as Parents trying desperately to get adequate Addiction & Mental Health treatment for our son.

Did we try Mental health ? Yes
Did we try Addictions? Yes
Did we go for Family counselling? Yes
The problem lies within these systems..long waits..gaps a mile wide...a system that is not patient friendly..nor user friendly..it revolves around the system and not the patients needs.etc etc.
She thanked me for my call.She is busy meeting with other groups,committees etc.
Watch the paper for upcoming townhall type meetings where parents & patients can tell her their concerns..sometime in the future.

My misunderstanding I told her.As we sat and watched you accept your new position at the announcement of the new Addiction Strategy, I thought I heard you say your door was open to all..you wanted to hear from everyone?
A long Pause..Yes watch the paper.
I thanked her for her time,for returning my call..Au evoir..xo

Failed test 

P.S. She informed me Addiction was a very complex disease !

Let's Talk

          

Here we are..January 28..Bell Canada's Day to contribute 5 cents to Mental Health initiatives for every text..call..etc. Actually a great way to bring out Mental Health talks into the open and help break down the stigma.Alot of those with addictions also have Mental Health issues..sometimes they go hand in hand..The importance of getting quality treatment for both issues is critical to getting control of their lives back!
Too Many have already lost the fight.

Today in our paper we had an editorial by our new chief mental health and addictions officer,Dr Rhonda Matters.It was a good Article..full of the work she is doing..ummm research..talking to professionals..front line staff..committees..etc..sound familiar..It should ..it is the same rhetoric we have hearing for years. I remember Our Health Minister touting much the same for years,well back to 2008 when he promised a youth residental program,then backed away.

I really want to believe things are going to change..but nothing ever does..Just the names of those making promises.I did notice Dr.Matters failed to mention she was meeting with Parents..Those with Addictions Issues..Mental Health issues..Just As Minister Currie failed to Acknowledge us at his Big announcement,They don't want hear from us..listen to us..hey we might actually speak the truth..keep us quiet with empty promises..wow how naive do they think we are..I see more parents speaking..Those with addictions speaking out..Time to test out Dr.Matters..I am making a call..Let's Talk Dr.Matters..xo

Dignity

After just having a read a post by a guest blogger on a dear friends blog it made me cringe inside.
I will add the link so as not to take away from her words "Damned if they Do,Damned If They Don't"

As POA's we have all experienced this at one time or another with our Children.It is tough to watch.My son is very fortunate to have nothing but positive words about his pharmacy & the respect & friendliness he receives there.

I wish I could say the same about his treatment elsewhere.I will not go into the who, as I do not want to paint the whole system with one brush( or get sued!!).

It just irks me that a person in a professional position can be allowed to treat those he is supposed be helping in such an unprofessional way.It is not just unprofessional..It is sad. My son & I both sit waiting for his appointment and watch the faces of those coming out after their Appts.It dictates what direction he will take.Most of the girls come out crying & the boys red faced.At least he is prepared when he goes in.I have told him just to go with flow,bite your tongue,take the good parts & leave the rest,he is all we have and you need him..And he knows it, which allows him to do what it does..Treat addicts like dirt !! Ok maybe the next visit he apologizes..means nothing.My son has put in complaints,but nothing changes.And it won't change until better treatment is available.Attracting those Professionals in the Addiction Community that truly want to help !! Not get their Jolly's off by demeaning our kids.They deserve better!!..xo

Not in My Neighborhood

Since that day last week when I saw the ambulance down the street, I wondered & worried about that young man.As if I don't have enough on my own plate! When my neighbor called me over yesterday I wondered what was up.He was also concerned about the young man and asked if I had heard anything.Of course I hadn't and told him so.I had just seen the Ambulance..nothing more.

What Ambulance?? He asked...hmm that's why I thought you were concerned ?
No..He was concerned as he been letting the girlfriends of the young man in his house to use the phone..Girlfriends?..How many does he have ?..A few..Hmmm..Then he proceeded to tell me his story..
He had been allowing the girlfriends to use his phone..a land line..Just being a good neighbor..but he was concerned as now they are just walking in..no knock..They also try to sell them groceries & cigarettes..he is nobody's fool and knew it was stolen goods( Or food his Mamma was buying for him).But he had put a stop to it as he was now scared they could steal off him.Yes they could & would..Your phone is now out of order..and please lock your doors..even if you are home.He is not in the least judgemental..and I am sure he is aware of my son's addiction issues and does possess alot of empathy..But I do fear for his safety..I hope he heeds my advice!

So I asked my son if he knew this young man...he said yes..he has met him a few times in detox..he lets girls stay with him who earn their money.. selling their body's.. in exchange they buy him drugs. So he is a pimp..no they just crash there..OoooK.And they use my neighbors phone for what? ( I say this to myself).

This made me so sad..another scenario in the ongoing saga of addiction on our gentle Island.I just wanted to go over there and shake those kids silly!! But we all know it would do no good...Just makes me want to fight louder & harder for treatment for our children..It is getting worse everyday and no more is being done!!!
Wake up people! This could be your daughters tomorrow ! And if you think..No not my Daughter..No not my son..Think again!!

3 months

Well here we are, just a few days shy of 3 months.Things are still on the right path.In fact this week I saw some really positive changes.Maybe to someone else they are nothing, but to those of us who are living this nightmare of addiction they are significant.

WE laughed..as a family..real laughter..There is real benefits to laughter.It is sad when you say it has been awhile since I heard that sound in my house involving my son...but there it was.

He actually wanted to walk with me & our dog.We walked the trails,nowhere near people or houses..just trees & nature.He thought the exercise & fresh air would be good for him.When my boys were small & I knew something was bothering them I would take them for a drive in the car..It seemed to always allow them the opportunity to open up and share what was wrong in the tight quarters of the car.I thought perhaps that was the purpose here.It wasn't.It was just for the walk & fresh Air.It was nice!

He actually bought me a small gift..some wax melts for my burner.I was cringing when he handed them to me thinking omg did he steal these??? Then he handed me the bag to throw out..did I look for the receipt ?? You bet I did..and there it was..I'm not sure if he saw me rummaging through the bag looking for the receipt or if he gave me  the bag to show.. he did buy them..Not a word was said..I thanked him and smiled..The fact that he saw something & thought of me was a good thing..He is starting to think of others!

The week ended on a gut wrenching note... when I looked out the window to see an ambulance parked across the street.I waited and watched.When they finally appeared from an apartment down the street they had a young man on the stretcher..I recognized the mop of red hair peeping out from under the sheets.A young man I see alot on the street,Another young man battling addiction.You get to recognize them I am sad to say.I hope he is ok & gets some help.I hope his Mother, who I see weekly dropping of groceries to him, is ok. 

I hope we have another good week.. and I hope..and I hope..xo 

                 

The Battle Within

The article I am linking to is an excellent article on the benefits of and medications for, those who struggle with addictions.My reason for writing about this today is two-fold.

The first reason and it is just my thoughts & inner turmoil with my son on methadone.I just can't seem to let the fears about using an opiate to treat an opiate addiction.My fear is and has always been his using while on methadone,which is one of the reasons he was dropped from a previous methadone program.I have seen first hand the effects of using while on this program..he near died from overdose..I have also seen the horrendous side effects of coming off the methadone safely,impossible, unless you take it very slowly over a long period of time,even years.Of course active addiction in itself is scary and carry's with it the reality of death due to overdose or a slow death due to years of using on the body.It is for me a question of pick your poison.My optimistic side tells me the methadone will keep him alive until he decides enough is enough and gives him a chance at a normal life..which is where he is now,I am ever so grateful for that second chance.He is closely monitored,blood work,P tests,and healthy heart checks.So why do I still struggle about this course of treatment ???

This is the second reason , yesterday, my son lost another friend,who was on the methadone program and died in his sleep.A young father of 2 children who wanted nothing more than to turn his life around and provide a great life for his children.The why's are not important,what is important is that ADDICTION stole another of our young!!! It is such a horrid disease and I hate it so dam much!! It is indeed a war..and all's fair in war..So you use all the weapons available in fighting it! Because in the end..if you don't..Addiction will win.
In Cancer we do the same,we use a host of potent chemicals that could possibly kill us..or cure us..and time & time again we chose the chemicals..even if it means just an extra 2 weeks,2 months,2 years.

Prevention and education and talking and telling our stories is our only hope for our children who are NOT in the nasty grips of addiction but at that vulnerable age of perhaps just thinking it might be cool to try..just once.

 Our lives are and will be forever changed by addiction..for us and many many family's we have to go on living..or addiction wins..we do it one day at a time,one hour at a time,or one minute at a time.We continue to fight and educate ourselves and pay it forward...xo

The Next Step

My son appears to be doing quite well..working the program & all reports from his program are positive.In fact he is looking so much better that a pharmacist who administers his methadone asked him for his ID! He had been away for a few weeks and he did not recognize him..This was not lost on my son as he couldn't wait to tell me..every word,morsel,tidbit of positivity is just what he needs...He needs to learn to love himself again..these little successes can add up and help him achieve that.

He is actually taking his Dad & I  out for supper this weekend..His treat!! We are not rushing him on anything,he needs to heal both inside & out,this takes time.I see my son slowly emerging..Such a long way to go..but..One Day at a time.                                                                                                                                                                                                I am still focusing alot of my energy & time on learning about addiction,,,and attempting to help in any I can to get better treatment for our children here on my Island.It is a daunting task..I would love to have a parents support group..we are so lacking in that area..and with so many parents now speaking out it would benefit us all!! Maybe that will be this years goal !
xo

Control

And how not to !

The holidays being a hard time for those with addictions,It is also hard for those in recovery.So much temptation.

For me it has been not wanting to control his every movement! It was a good test for all of us,a test none of us wanted to fail!!

He is following the rules & boundary's his Dad & I set up and not challenging them so much as when he was first in recovery.We all seem to be in a nice rhythm.Until the holidays.Friends calling,visiting,and invites.This was by far the hardest for me.

Although I would not trust him for a New York second,I could not control him either.So off he went Christmas Eve to a friends house( Non User).And home he came a few hours later,no worse for the wear.
New Years..Same thing. He survived,We Survived!

I have to keep reminding myself,daily,That only he can control his recovery and I have to step back, even when "I" think it is a misstep or he is not doing enough.

So for today we are in a good place,all in recovery,doing it in our own different ways,but doing it!

xo

Happy New Year!

Reflections on 2013

  As I opened the morning paper I was reminded what the year 2013 was about on our Gentle Island."Addiction"...And I cried.It is so sad when the lead story for 2013 was about the murder-suicide of a young woman & her young son swallowed up by addiction.Tremendous loss to all families involved and the community as a whole.And everyone judged..blamed..pointed fingers..and all I could hear was the incidious snicker of addiction in the background,like the monster it is celebrating it's most recent catch...and the many young lives it stole before & after this incident..and yet..no significant steps to tackle this growing problem!!

  It was this story & my own son's dance with death, that was playing out at the same time,that brought me out of the shadow's and into the fight for the much needed treatment for our children.

  It was a year of hell..but out of the ashes came sooo many blessings!!
It was the people...complete strangers, that reached out to me when I was inwardly & outwardly screaming for help.
Some with a simple sentence " I understand what your going thro"
So much advice & words of wisdom from those that went down this path before me and continue now beside me!!
Allowing me to heal,to be come stronger,better informed, more understanding,trying anything and everything to help my son get on the path to recovery.
It was a perfect mix of loving caring people, to the straight shooting,in your face,reality checks that I needed .
Thank-you to each and every one of you !! Many will not even know it was their words,gestures of kindness,stories shared,writings of their own that reached out to me...touched me,enabled me to heal,while NOT enabling my son.

This last day of 2013 brought me a son in recovery,struggling each day to maintain.. but so far successful!

To my 2 biggest cheerleaders,supporters and my biggest blessings this year..love you both Rose & Chris..xoxo

Ode To Addiction

You think your so cunning
So Smart and Tough
Consuming my son
Well This Mamma's had enough!

I'll do what I must
To defeat your curse
My son will grow stronger
And not ride in your Hearse!

The gloves are Off
You've met your Match
I'll meet you head on
Everything you throw,I'll Catch!

Those words that you Spew
Using his body,thinking it's cute
Does not scare me anymore
I'll just put you on mute!!

You think you've got him ?
That I don't see ?
MY little boy..
Screaming out for me!

His outside has changed
He looks tired & sick
He's just your vessel
To blind me with your tricks!!

My eyes are wide open,
My Mind is set!
This Mamma means Business
My Son you'll not get!

Call me a fool,
Call me Naive,way off track,
Call me the Mamma
That Stole her son Back!
       
                MammaP

Merry Christmas

What is Christmas?
Every time a hand reaches out
To help another...
That is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside
And strives for understanding...
That is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences
And realize their love for each other...
That is Christmas.

May this Christmas bring us
Closer to the spirit of human understanding
Closer to the blessing of peace & Love..xo

Check-in

Thought I should update,been really busy,tis the season!
My son has been really well this week after a rough go for a few days,Back on track & his actions are speaking in unison with his words.I read somewhere we know when they are truly into recovery when their actions match their words.This has been the case this week! It has been a good week!

Christmas & holidays seem to be a hard time for those with addictions,hopefully being surrounded by the love of family will keep him safe & in a good place.

I am also so lucky to be surrounded by such loving caring people in the Addiction Community,without them I wouldn't have made this far with my sanity intact( most days).

For me it has been kinda like a witches brew,I add a little of this & that..take out what doesn't work,put in something different..For now it seems to be working..Thanks to advice I have gotten from people all over the world..and all walks of life..It is such an nasty disease in what works for one does not work for all...Trial & error,the whole time hoping,praying that this time he's got it.I just refuse to let addiction win with my son..I hope he has the same mindset..xoxo

And How Was Your Week ?

Let's just say mine was Baaad..Testing us everyway he can..He had a slip..got back on track..Dr told us to expect this until his methadone reaches the appropiate level..A few other glitches in his recovery that I am not worrying about..his recovery..I can only control our actions..Our recovery..Longest he has been in our home for a long time...I guess that would be a success of sorts..xo

Ignorance

Insensitivity,Call it what you like but a letter to the editor in our Daily newspaper really made me angry!!
The funny thing is, I sat behind this man at the hearings on addiction,he also gave a great presentation on his own addiction to alcohol and what helped him reach Sobriety.

But today's letter was just plain Ignorance.The sentence that really got my Irish up was: Round up all the dysfunctional families and offer them support as these are the families that " Produce " the addicts.
WOW!!!

 I Wonder where he has been the last few years when the families that "produce" the addicts have been slowly coming out and speaking up. I Wonder if reads the daily newspaper where the Doctors,Lawyers,RCMP,Pharmacists, Youth Workers, etc that have been charged for dealing,stealing to support their own addictions or does he just read his own letters that get printed!! Addiction does not discriminate!!  I Wonder does he realize Addiction is a disease!! I wonder...and I worry..statements & opinions like his just set us back in looking for treatment for our families.

I feel a letter to the Editor coming on....

Addict Behavior

 This is tough...Although he is clean & working the program the addict behavior is alive & well!!
I have been told it can take up to 3 months for this "start" changing...God Help me!!
Patience Mamma Patience

Calmness,Strength & Inner Peace

That would be me.I have no Idea where it came from,but I am embracing it !! Even tho I have always seemed to remain calm during stressful happenings in my life and do what needs to be done,This is a different calmness,Like an inner peace of sorts.

I have made a conscious decision( it is hard to keep quiet when I think he is making the wrong choices!!) to let my son now own his recovery,I can advocate for him, but I cannot control his recovery,he alone has to walk that lonely road I can only be a bystander,support,listen & love.It was & Is a steep learning curve for me.

I once had a client who was dying and I was the nurse who did the nights,we would sit almost the whole night just talking,She needed to share her life,she had accepted death,was ready,and wanted to tell me how blessed she was.I always felt Blessed that she chose me to share her last days with & reminisce. She was a farmer's wife,no children,and had no sisters but 2 brothers who she lived with and you could feel the love between them all.She really touched me and I actually looked forward to each night to our marathon talks,Tea & biscuits with the odd chocolate bar thrown in !! She had a hard life,not only physically as a farmer, but she remained for 30 years in an abusive relationship.These were the times when the man was the king of his Castle and she truly believed she was doing something to deserve these horrendous beatings.

The story she shared with me changed her life forever.It is a very uplifting and sad story at the same time.

Being a Farmer they always had animals around...people used to drop off their unwanted cats & dogs on their land, knowing she would always feed & care for them.These were her children.One day this very pregnant kitten showed up on her doorstep.She said it couldn't have been any more than 6 months old.

Her husband was raging,not only another cat,but a pregnant one at that!!Well the day came that the kitten had her babies...8 & pure white...She said the Mamma was so proud...and never left them even to eat herself,so she she would take her food & milk to her in the loft.

One day she was hanging out clothes and she saw her husband walking by with a potatoe sack in his hand and heading for the river.She knew exactly what he was doing and what was in the sack,the kittens,He was going to drown them.She dropped eveything and ran after him.By the time she caught up with him he was on his way back and the bag was slowly sinking in the river.As she watched in horror,the Mamma's head emerged from the water..in it's mouth,a baby.She actually swam to the bank dropped off the kitten and went back..This went on till all 8 babies were safely back on shore.Cats are known for their fear of water and inability to swim...This she thought was a miracle.She quickly bundled them all up in her apron and set off for her brother's farm a mile away where she knew they would be safe.

The courage of that Mamma gave her the courage to leave her husband.The next day she had her brother's come & get her and she lived out her remaining years with her brothers & 9 cats!! Although at this point in her life the Mamma had since passed on,one of the 8 kittens was still around at the young age of 24...and it never left her side for the 4 months I spent with her.

I do not think there is a moral to this story but his actions finally gave her the courage to leave or was it the actions of the Mamma cat...risking her own life to save her babies...She died the next night on my shift,peacefully and surrounded by the love of her brothers & the one remaining kitten that always served to reminder her of the strength she had deep inside her.

I don't know why this woman entered my thoughts yesterday,But it made me smile & cry at the same time...Maybe she is still with me in spirit..helping me, to dig deep inside and find my own strength & Inner peace..xox

2 Weeks

Thought I should give you an update on my son. He did not get accepted into long term rehab this time.One reason being his ex-Family Dr.decided he did not wish to provide a letter of support.

So I had to think fast on what to do next, since he was already in detox.  After many unanswered phone calls to the Addiction Center I decided to go out myself.A good friend of mine told me to remain calm ( I often react with my heart ), But refuse to leave until I was able to speak to someone about my son's treatment plan, upon leaving detox.I had no problem seeing someone.A wonderful Nurse who knew my son quite well from previous visits to detox.I remained calm throughout our meeting.To my surprise she agreed with everything I said including the part where I told her detoxing our children for 5-7 days and putting them back on the streets was more of a relapse program...a revolving door of detox..relapse.Also to my surprise she had my son down pat !! I told her I felt without treatment for both his addiction & ADHD he was doomed to fail...He is his own worst enemy and needed much more than detox.She asked me to leave it with her and she would see what she could do,as she already had been working on keeping him for longer than 7 days.I had a good feeling about her and trusted she would do her best to help him.

The next day my son called sounding very upbeat and actually hopeful,they had taken him into the methadone program.

Later that day The Doctor called me..Not only was this monumental...But the fact that I just arrived at my oldest sons home 1500 miles away..wow!! He wanted to explain to me the program he was setting up for my son..double wow!! Apparently my advocating for my son,The support of the nurse and talking with my son himself gave him more insight into his addiction and some of reasons he was not successful thus far in any form of recovery .As much as I wanted to say..duhh there was no help offered..or available..I zipped it shut and listened.

They kept him for 10 days
Started him on methadone
Set him up with a counselor
Put his name in for a sober living home
Appts weekly with the Doctor
Addressing his ADHD with medication to be taken when he goes for his methadone.
Group meetings twice a week
NA meetings at The center
random urine tests( which has happened twice already)
Structure..Structure..structure..Exactly what he needs!!!

Yes he was on methadone before,but thro his family doc...and nothing more..There is accountability now...support...companionship of other addicts..and did I say Structure!! He is back living with us..with rules & boundary's...no enabling.

My support system is in place...always just a phone call or coffee away ;)..My e-mail Buddy who has helped more than he can ever know, by providing me with support & knowledge from his experience of living with addiction and now being clean for 10 years!! And my SESH (Sharing Experience,Strength & hope) Book!!


My son has now been clean for 2 weeks today...and we all know take it one day at time..so for today..It is a Great Day.I am learning to live in the moment...I remember my first battle with Cancer when I would bargain to live to the expiry date on the Milk Carton.Different disease,Different times,no bargaining...Just living in the moment...xoxo

I Lost a Friend

Not to drugs but to suicide.A common theme these past months on our small Island,mostly among our young people with addiction & mental health issues.Every parents nightmare.But this time it was the parent.A Beautiful soul who was a friend of mine for many years.

I knew her before the depression got a hold of her,As a kind, lovable,giving, nursing student,who had so much empathy it oozed from her.I also worked with her sister. Beth was the baby of her family and was always surrounded by unconditional love.Her nightmare began with many years of spousal abuse.She found the courage to leave and figured she was on the road to happiness.After a few years as an MLA in the government,giving back to the people in her community she was once again enveloped by the arms of Clinical Depression.She sought help,talked about it openly, to try and de stigmatize mental illness.

Last week the depression won,In a province with so many suicides and only half the required number of Mental Health specialists ,I fear we will lose a few more.1.5 years waiting for a mental health assessment is unacceptable on soooo many levels.

Unfortunately I was away at the time of Beth's death,and unable to attend her funeral.She will be greatly missed,not only by her family but by every life she touched,That's just who she was.

If ever there was an Earthly Angel,She held that title...

We will Laugh & Talk again Beth..xo

Is This His Time ?

Well here we go again,I hope & pray this is his time.Still no word if he will get an opportunity to get long term treatment,but not giving up hope..yet.The rest is up to him.I hope he embraces recovery this time.We will give him the opportunity to come back home to work his program and stay clean.Love & a safe place is all we have left to give him..I know you've heard it all before...and here are again.

Again I am heading off for a short visit with my Older son & Family...My Beautiful granddaughter's 2nd birthday..where does the time go..At least this time my hubby will not be left to deal with my son alone,a mini vacation for him also...xo

The Nightmare

I had a really bad sleep last night,the reason I am sure is because my son is entering detox again and the same fears and what if's creep in.

1.5 years ago my dad died,the day of his funeral,we the family were inside sharing a lunch with those that attended and sharing stories about my Dad.My husband approached me with a look of terror on his face.Apparently my youngest son was out at the grave,not crying,but filling it in shovel full..by shovel full.I went out to talk to him.He explained his grandfather would want him to do this..not some stranger.I went back inside and let him continue to do what he need to do,much to the shock of alot people.It was his way of showing his love,who am I to judge.

Well last night it was me filling in that grave,and it was my son's grave not my father's.I can still see that image today.What a true nightmare addiction is and for all involved.I have to keep fighting for better treatment to keep my mind busy on the positives and stop these images from creeping into not only my waking hours but now my dreams...I sang this song to both my son's when they were babies...and to my granddaughter today,I wish things were this simple today to bring calm & comfort to my son.

xo

A Different View

As I opened the morning paper today to read another Mother's Story of Loss..It hit me hard..I think I was still holding out hope her son would be found alive..My son will enter detox,yet again, on the weekend.Then what? I struggle continually with the Tough Love Theory...We tried that early on his life in dealing with his ADHD...It did not work..It certainly will not work now with an added Disease of Addiction.As I have mentioned before, the enabling I have down to a science.We do not enable anymore.I do however struggle with the decision to give him over to the streets, when he so desperately seeks & needs long term treatment.I know in my Heart I cannot do it.I will take him home after detox and support & advocate for further treatment for his addiction & mental Illness.

 This morning I received an e-mail from a young man that sealed my decision.He is now clean and has been in recovery for 7 years.He wrote... "MY" e-mail brought tears to his eyes as he remembered how his course of using and addiction affected his Mamma & Family,Ironically HIS brought tears to my eyes..Not only for the hope it gave me that recovery is possible..But it was the Love of his parents who never turned him out that he gives credit to for saving his life by allowing him to stay at home,It also allowed him to seek help.2 things he mentioned in his letter are worth sharing.
1.Remember even if you can't see it or feel it your son loves you and feels safe knowing you haven't given up believe me if he could,he would stop.
2. something my mother said when I asked her why she never slammed the door on me. Her response was what if that was the last time I saw you. What if my actions made you realize your life was so empty and it caused you to end your life, I would never forgive myself.

I truly believe this is a disease and thus should be treated as such..I would not turn him away if it was Cancer and I just can't turn him away now as he reaches for recovery.As I have said before there is no right or wrong answer in dealing with this...each person's story is different and what led them to recovery...We will see how this works if he is given the chance for proper treatment..Keep your fingers crossed & keep us in your prayers as he enters Detox again this weekend, that this will be his time when he reaches for recovery and succeeds...xoxo
 

A New Abode

The search is on for another place to stay.His current room mates( I say this lightly as he is sleeping in their storage room) are leaving the province.Just yesterday a friend(my guardian Angel) wrote in her blog about our children being homeless and the anguish , we as parents go through, having to turn them away.This was the topic of conversation at our home this weekend.

He still has another week in his cozy quarters but after that..he's out.It also is his last week of work.I honestly did not think he would make it..but he did.He managed to keep himself going by the grace of god,Mamma's taxi service and home cooked meals.( of course the week isn't over yet).He is then scheduled to enter detox,hopefully( I say this lightly) then a sober living home till he gets( or doesn't) a shot at Off Island treatment.

This is where things get dicey.What if there is no bed available at the sober-Living( 10)? This is where things got heated.Can I come home? This is where I may have turned a corner of sorts.Although he wanted an answer then,I told him that's now how I work anymore.I am only living in today and today I can't answer you.We will see how things work out with everything else in his plans and we will talk about it at that time.He pushed for an answer,he had to know,he couldn't have this on his mind for weeks...blah blah blah.The truth is I did not have an answer.He let it drop,for today.It was too easy,he never lets things drop without a drawn out fight.But I'll it take it for what it was,Drove him back to his apt and actually relaxed for the rest of the day with no further thought to the conversation( a feat in itself for me!!).

In previous attempts to come home it always ended with both of us upset.Yesterday it was just him.I lived in the moment,and for that day only...Where today take us..Who knows...This is what I truly love about my Guardian Angel,She is always there to bounce off and never,never Judges.You have to do what is best for you and your family..everyone's circumstances are different,there is no right or wrong,you do what feels right for you...Gotta love a friend like that..xoxo.I keep adding to my arsenal with bits & pieces from others who go down the same path,some worked,other's did not,It is such an Individual Journey with a common thread.Positive thoughts someday, my turn will come, when I write in my Blog, my son has been in recovery for 3 months,1 year,2 years,etc...xoxo

Today my thoughts are with another Family,Their son is missing,Suspected Suicide who struggled with Addiction with indequate treatment.This would be 2 this last week.I pray and think of them today...

Rememberance Day

I come from a long line of Veterans,who have fought all over the world.I am so proud.My Dad fought in Korea. Both my Grandfather's fought in WW1 & WW2 along side their sons.How awful that must of been for the mothers,both Husband & Son's gone off to war.They were made of strong stock,not only handling all the farm work at home & raising the children still at home,but the fear of getting that letter in the mail telling you, your husband or son is missing in action.                                                                                                                                                                               My Grandmother got such a letter,In heavy black type on an air mail letter,her son had given his life in Italy in 1943.He was her second born and the only one of 5 children that looked like her.He was 18 and very handsome,had a wonderful sense of humor, Loved his Mamma more than anything.He was popular with everyone and always went out of way to help someone else.In fact the day he was killed he was filling in for his brother, As a driver,for 4 Star General , when a Bomb struck their car.He & his best friend who was also in the car were instantly killed.The General and his staff survived.He wrote my Grandmother a very touching letter.It included the conversation he had with him about his much loved Island & his Mamma.
 It had been just a few short months before she had received a letter from him telling her the news.These letters were always upbeat & funny..But always ended with asking for money & Cigs..This last letter contained the news that he won a Medal, It was the Golden Gloves Medal for Boxing ! He hadn't told her he was on the team, for fear she would worry about him getting hurt.He told her he lost weight with none of her homecooked meals and thus qualified for the 135lb weight division on the Canadian Team.The Championships were held in London,which as he explained he joined the boxing club to spend some time in London with a gal he met there, when he first arrived in Europe.
 The Day of the Final match he was up Against an American.He wrote he was one of the nicest boys he had ever met and really did not have the heart to fight him.So he danced around him, Avoiding his punches but not attempting to fight back.It was the last round and it was tied,he decided he better make his team Proud and landed a few knock - out punches..But his opponent kept getting back up.Finally after the last Punch and he hit the floor,My Uncle told him " For god's sake stay down, I don't want to hurt your pretty face anymore,Your Mamma will kill me!!".He Did..This young man wrote my grandmother for years after the war,he was from the "Boston States" and an Irishman like my grandmother.
 Just last year I inherited the medal & his letters all wrapped in bow and kept in a Morris Chocolates Box for safe keeping.I in turn donated his medal to the local Military Museum.It now proudly hangs in it's walls underneath his picture for all to see and enjoy,He will not be forgotten.
 While reading these letters and getting to know him through his words, it struck me I know this Boy...Not only is my Youngest son the spit of him,But carry's his personality traits.
 On this day of Remembrance I not only remember the sacrifice's our Men & Boys made for their counties,But also for the boy I used to know.

Peace & Freedom

Mamma Why

Are you always so angry? A Question my son asked me yesterday as I ran him to work.Duuuuh.
Kinda tells you the mental state my son is in!! I couldn't even answer I was so angry!!

After giving his question some thought through out the day I gave him an answer at supper.
Fear...Fear of the unknown...Of not knowing where his addiction is going to lead us.Fear he is going die.Fear that his father & I's marriage won't survive much longer.Fear Fear Fear.

 Does that answer your question?

I dislike the term "detach".You have to "detach with Love".A fellow blogger once wrote me and said use the word "distance" instead.Sounds so much better.I was doing better at distancing myself,but lately with his neediness for food,drives,support,
etc,that distance is shortening again and with it my anger is rising.I need to work on this again,I am slipping backwards instead of moving ahead.Sound familiar? No Different than his battle with his drug of choice,The only difference is he is mine.

I did get a letter of support from my Family Doctor yesterday for long term treatment for my son.It was very powerful so I hope it will help.I also again asked for a wee something for myself,just to numb me a bit.Again the answer was no.You can't be numb dealing with him,you need to be at full speed,hopefully he will soon be in treatment and you will heal...Hope he says the same thing next time he sees me and I am wearing one of those cute little jackets that tie in the back!! AnyWhooooooooooo..Deep Breath..Time for me today. xo

Methadone Clinic

 More news yesterday on our Islands fight with addiction,A New Methadone Clinic.It is an independent clinic run by 8 doctors.It is not connected with the Addiction Centers Clinic nor is it under the Governments Umbrella.Four of these Doctors presently have anywhere from 50-100 patients in their Family practise and have been practising this way for 7 years.
.
 I know Doctors get a bad rapp for over prescribing opiates but these 4 doctors seen the need for life saving help for addicts( I hate that word) and stepped up to the plate.This wasn't easy for them to do,along with their regular patients to have & monitor up to 100 methadone patients,I know the pitfalls trying to handle one!! They plan to Add another 100 immediately.

 One of these Doctors is my own Family Doctor who had been looking after my son for over 20 years, Until a few months ago when he couldn't deal with him & his Lies & attempted manipulation anymore.I have nothing but admiration for the man,He is an excellent Doctor.

 What I find Ironic about this announcement, is on Friday at the news conference, regarding the Addiction & Mental Health report,They hired an overseer. A new chief mental health and addictions officer to oversee all areas of addiction & Mental Health.The Idea is to have her bring them together so those with addictions, can access the help they need in a seamless manner, not have each agency work independently ( their eg was bring the silo's together).In Theory a great Idea,but in putting it into practise may take time.More time then some of our Addicts have perhaps.

 In His Interview yesterday One of the Doctor's spearheading this Clinic stated they wanted to remain independent and not have big brother dictate to them.After all these are not some yahoo's from the backwoods.They are trained physicians first, trained in Methadone Maintenance and reached out to the addiction Community with help when no one else did.My opinion is they deserve a whole lot respect & Kudo's for taking this next step that is greatly needed in our City!!

 The Province also intends to open a clinic to help with easier access to those associated with The Addiction Center & also increase the openings in their program to ease the long waiting list.
The Doctors announced theirs will open in the New Year,The government gave no timeline other than as soon as possible.

  Dealing with the Government and their initiatives sometimes feels like your watching a magic show,alot of slight of hand ,disappearing acts & Illusions,but in the end... no White Rabbit was pulled out of the Hat.

 Congrats to the Family Doctors for taking this step in helping with the struggles our children with Addictions go thro daily in waiting for their lottery number to pop up and get on the methadone program!!

Weekend Review

 I ran for the shore...My refuge when things are not going so great...I had such hope for that damn report..and it left both myself,but most importantly my son down.He also was awaiting it,in hopes of some kind of treatment in the immediate future..But it was void.
 My son came over today to do laundry,have a good meal & shower.He looked sad & sounded almost hopeless..There was no manipulation..Only talk of recovery,treatment,a better life.He was sick,I could see it in his eyes,his voice.While he was here Detox phoned regarding a bed.He explained he was working,2 weeks left, if they could arrange a bed around that time,she promised to do the best she could and keep him on the list to ensure when he was done, a bed would be available quickly.Bless her heart!!
 We are working on a application for out of province treatment..we will see where that takes us.Very few get it..I pray he does..I'm scared of his talk,his look,even in his darkest moments in the past,  I have never seen him like this..It causes me great concern & fear.Recently I have reconnected with an old friend I have not seen in years,She just lost her son to addiction..She is going thro hell..her reality is my greatest fear!!
I have an appointment with my Family doc this week..perhaps he can help regarding my son's mental health.I do know I can't fix him,only he can do that...xo  

Mental Health and Addictions Report

 Well, I attended the Looooong awaited report on Mental Health and Addictions today.It was a packed house  with standing room only.I hate being an optimist,more often than not, It is not what I hoped for,This report was no different.
It did contain a few tidbits.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           He expanded the methadone treatment and included a methadone clinic..this should decrease the wait times for our Addicts,allowing them to receive it in a timely manner not waiting for a year.

•  He also announced a 10-bed transition unit for use after detox..with a stay of an extra 21 days..He failed to mention these are not new beds..but beds that were already available just never used.BUT I'll take them !! 
•  He expanded access to Suboxone for youth ( 18-24)
•  Hired 3 new staff to help those with addictions navigate the system.
•  Added assistance to a new youth addictions after-care project.( 18-24)
• Reviewing prescription drug coverage..hired an investigator to look into this problem.

• Hired a Chief Mental Health and Addictions Officer to oversee and bring all areas of addiction & mental together rather than working on their own making it difficult to obtain any seamless treatment and services.

That's it folks!!
No new sober living facilities
No long treatment program or plan
No Rehab
1.2 million spent on this new strategy...Most of it's on wages for new staff hired or shuffled from other depts)..To say I am disappointed is putting it mildly...I am happy for the youth..a few more, much needed, tools to help with their addictions..Sadly nothing to help my son..or others who are over 24.
 As I sat there surveying the room it was mostly Community Agency's,Dept's of Government & Staff,MLA's,Staff of addictions, Special Interest Groups. Where I was sitting was a handful of Women,Who tirelessly work & fight everyday to improve the services for addicts..Yes Mother's of Addicts( who were left out in his opening address thanking almost everyone else for being there) .Some of whom have formed organizations,some who go it alone..But all with a common goal..Treatment!!! I watched afterwards  as some of these women swarmed the speakers with question after question to get clarification on the report, gave interviews to the press.They were not fooled by the big talk and little action being heard, by those of us with our children's lives on the line.It gave us little hope...So the fight continues..I wonder how many more son's & daughter's we will lose waiting..waiting..for long term treatment..One of those now could be mine...

Added Nov2: After just reading the local paper, The minister stated the 10 " New" beds are for youth..Argggh.

An Old Soul

 That would be my oldest son,Always was and will be,wise beyond his years.
It makes me sad he and family live so far away,but I am so glad he is far enough away from the life we are living today.There is a 5 year age difference between he & his younger brother,which has saved him from seeing most of his brother's addiction Journey.But he always asks about him,voices his opinion, and expresses his concerns about what this is doing to us.I hope someday they are able to heal their relationship.

 He called yesterday to see how things were going,when I told him he may be getting a chance at treatment at a center close to where he lives( 3 hours away),he quickly said " I hope he doesn't think I am going to visit him"..I did tell him his brother mentioned it.." Well I won't..Until I know for sure he is serious and on the right path to recovery". That's my Boy :)

 Although I question myself on why we were given such turmoil & heartache with my youngest son,I embrace the fact we were also given my oldest son First.I guess someone,somewhere decided you were blessed with best, now lets see how you handle The challenging one.One day at time would be the answer,sometimes one minute at time.

 I love both my son's equally,But I am so grateful for my Old soul,somedays it is he who keeps me going..xoxo

Home

  After work yesterday my son dropped in for supper,A daily occurrence that I do not mind as we are home and at least he gets 1 good meal a day.He is gaunt,thin, but not high from drugs,he also agrees to random drug testing, so we know it is just methadone( illegally bought) he is taking and not actively using IV opiates.

 I gave him a drive to where he is living and we had a open

discussion about his situation.He tried to work on my emotions by telling me he can't handle this too much longer.He hates where he is living,I told him he is lucky he has a place to live,many do not,even if it is a mattress on the floor in his friends storage area.He expressed remorse for what he has put us through,money he has cost us,My response was he could repay us when he gets well, But the biggest repayment would be seeing him in recovery and doing the work to help himself. He did not think he could last much longer and fears he is going to die or gets desperate enough to commit suicide.I told him to put his big boy panties on..he has been in far worse shape and survived and if he truly wanted to have a life, drug free he could do it!! Inside my heart was breaking...But I know he is where he needs to be, to realize just how far down the hole he is in,perhaps now he can see,that only he can figure how to get out.He has never been suicidal..depressed..although I can't dismiss it all together,I think he was just trying to manipulate his way back home.We cannot take him back home,He has to find his own way back home..I pray he does...

Question

I know a few people read my blog,I have a question,please share your answer even if it isn't what I want hear,It may be what I need to hear!! This has been a stumbling block for me,My brick wall.
Here Goes:
If Addiction is a disease ( a fact we all know),Why is it wrong to help them get well,I do not mean enabling them,I think I have that one ( almost) mastered.Every blog I read handles things differently...and each outcome is different no matter what they do or do not do...some for the better..some for the worse.I don't know if it is my nursing that prevents me from taking that final step of handing it over to a higher power..Or if it is just me in denial..making excuses..making me feel better by helping..I do not know...It has been compared to cancer..diabetes..etc..In the fact they need the best possible treatment..If it was Cancer..I surely wouldn't say..your on your own...It is your disease..you handle it..I know it is their choice to use..But after that the drug is in charge..Not them.
I guess I'm asking as I have had a few e-mails regarding my fighting on my son's behalf for better treatment..That I am wrong in doing this..What is wrong about that??? He has a disease..He needs treatment that is not available here..I know if he gets the treatment he needs..and screws it up..I will be done..But I feel until he gets that chance I cant stop fighting!!
Thanks..xo

Progress-Maybe

 Well after a day filled with e-mails..letter writing..phone calls..I made some headway in getting my son into a longer treatment program..Yes perhaps the fact that I told them I was going to the media with his story might have helped a wee bit..My son also agreed to tell his story( nightmare) publicly in hopes of accessing better treatment.
 Was it all lip service to an Irate Mamma..maybe..maybe not..we will see what happens in the coming weeks..Remaining silent however, gets you nothing.
  I was told,assured that an announcement was being made in regards to the methadone program.More spaces for those needing it, which will result in shorter wait times..A much needed change!
  Being a Child of the 60's with sit ins..protests..flower power..might just be coming in handy!!
 One step closer to getting my Peace..
 http://youtu.be/4rpz3-kj0q8
  
  

Anger

  So I am back from vacation...A wonderful 10 days full of smiles & giggles & so much love..what life should be about..I was kept so busy I had no time to think about what was going on at home...except when hubby called...I am not going to ramble on about what went on at home when I was away...lets just say nothing good happened.

  I have however came to a few realizations..realisms..reality checks...foolishness..whatever you want to call them...It is what I have do for me...for him...

• He cannot live here..
• We will not fund his habit,drug dealer etc.
• I cannot find peace until he receives "Adequate" treatment,which I believe he now wants for himself,and is doing his part to stay alive long enough to get it.
• I cannot let this anger go,I can let go of my anger toward him and what he has put us through,as he is sick.The system is failing him..when he wants to succeed..reaches for help...there is no help...maybe the system can let him die..but I sure as hell can't..without a fight.
• Boxing gloves are on and I am going to talk..scream..whatever it takes to get, not only for my son,but all those son's & daughters on our fair Island the help they need!!
• I am Angry..soooooooooo Angry at a system that is failing our kids...Not only the "Youth" But all of those that suffer from Addiction.
• I am tired of him going to detox ( 7 days),Then nothing..back to the streets..
• It is a system designed to set them up for failure!!
• It is a system full of predjudices...If you do try & access what little programs are available...Your too old..no longer qualify for youth programs...If you work..sorry these programs run from 8-4...Sorry there is a waiting list..sorry sorry sorry..
• Ask Questions...we will get back to you..They never do..how do some get access to programs licky split..and others turned away???
• WEll I am going to get answers...and I will not stop until I do...Squeaky wheel gets the grease..I am going to squeak like a bansheee till I do...
• Yes I am ANGRY!! 
• Gonna get me some Peace & love anyway I can..xoxoxo

 
  

Respite

I can't even think of writing about what has happened over the past 5 days...a nightmare..It is enough to say he is using again,out on the street,couch surfing...I am not sure.At risk for losing Job,Landing in Jail..or losing his life.I am going for a 10 day stay with my oldest son.His treat to me,He has no idea how much this means to me and how much I need it!! I feel bad leaving Hubby home to deal with this alone.My hope is when I return my son will be in Jail,with no other treatment available to him,This is all there is left.It has been the worst yet on this journey..xo

The Week

It has been a week since detox graduation.A week of learning for all of us.It has, after all , been the first time he finished detox.I think some things have actually seeped into my brain.I finally understand the act of enabling,do not do anything for them that they can do for themselves.Secondly is the trust issue,It is a biggie with me,I am always wanting to trust him when he is clean,but he is never really clean long enough to trust him! I read a passage somewhere,I can't remember where but it hit home( Maybe Sally Swenson's blog).Only begin to trust when their actions coincide with their words.Makes perfect sense !!

His brother informed me he wrote him an e-mail the day he got out of detox.This is a biggie since they hardly ever communicate unless my older son is home visiting.It was a letter of amends.I think my oldest son was touched but very cautious as to the words.I did not ask him about the letter or what it contained, I was just glad that my youngest son wrote...and my older son actually opened the letter and read the contents!

The week kinda went downhill from there..GRrrrrrrrrr.

He needs support of other addicts..he did well in group I was told,But in my son's mind the group he needs to go to is the one at the Center.Which is at 8:30 in the morning.He goes to work at 8:00.I suggested perhaps he could go to another at 8:00 at night..no it is not at the center,But it is a support group and he may find just as beneficial . No..he only wants to attend the one that happens when he is working and he cannot attend..ooook gotcha.

They tried to fire him at work for the time missed at work while he was in detox.No they cannot fire you for addiction...it is in the union by-laws.

The biggie came when he found out hubby and I were planning our last weekend at the cottage...Could they come out & visit...yes...as long as we are there...next day...Can we stay overnight one night...I struggle with this one..I just wanted some alone time with hubby...we also have lots to do to close up the cottage..But I agreed..one night...Then yesterday he thought we should allow he & girlfriend to have the cottage by themselves!! We could go home early and let them spend the last night there by themselves..After all he was doing so good !! Ummmmm sorry no..this is about your dad & I for a change..Invited them over for supper..after 5 minutes of pleads..and reasons why I should...I stuck to NO!! He then told me to go F&^% myself and hung up...Progress..I think not..
And how was your week? xo

Family Dinner

We have Family dinners quite often and we always have a good time filled with love & laughter.My son very rarely attends,even tho he is always invited.
 My brother hosted one on Sunday and of course invited my son. He waffled on going for fear of their questions,embarrassment over his addiction etc.He always had this Idea that no one knew,when in reality everyone knew, even when we tried to keep it hidden.I explained to him one of things I did to free myself and help me on this journey was to openly talk about his addiction with Family.I kinda broke the ice and they do now understand that addiction is a disease and will offer him support in his recovery.

 He came :) He and his girlfriend had a good time..My brothers congratulated him on being clean,encouraged him to continue on this path of recovery,his younger cousins greeted him with arms wide open,lots of hugs and family time.He actually engaged in conversations,helped with cleaning up,and laughed harder than I've seen him laugh in years.Even though my eyes never left him( worried about if he was going steal something) We also had a good day !! I will take this Day,bottle it and put it away for those days that are not so good ,then I can take it back out,uncork it Celebrate that good days do exist in this world Of Addiction!! xo

Checked Out

Yep he checked out,I had been honest with him from the start and told him I would not be good for his recovery. I want to be!! I just can't handle the stress of dealing with both his addiction & ADHD.I want nothing more for him than to be clean & in recovery,but I can't be that person and have him live here.I can handle the million phone calls a day,the impromptu visits multiple times a day but I can't handle living in chaos & fear anymore.
 We did not ask him to leave,did I quickly pack up his things for him..You bet!! He went back with his girlfriend,for how long I do not know,but for today that is where he is.Physically he is doing well,meds are working,he does talk about group,attending meetings,his counsellor,remember he has ADHD and he can talk on 50 subjects in one minute so I lost count on all the things he hit on! But he was talking positive..just to many!! Hopefully he will concentrate on just getting thro today and take tomorrow when it comes.
 I did talk to his Addiction Doctor,appears he got to know him quite well in the week they spent together.He is happy with his progress,he has a very fast metabolism so that helped him with withdrawal and the meds prescribed should make the rest quite manageable on his own.He participated well in group,but was told he(son) was visibly shaken when he saw 3 very young girls in group who were IV drug users.He spoke to them and warned them of the dangers of taking this path,telling them he worked up to IV usage and to be starting this at this young age was very dangerous...yes that's my son,knows all the pitfalls,they just don't apply to him.The doctor shared this with me to point out he has alot of empathy,If he could just channel this in the right direction.His fear was the fast metabolism...double edge sword..his body also absorbs the illegal substances much faster and the high lasts much shorter,thus the danger of overdose.
 He wants him to continue working with them on his recovery,he sees hope and the meds he prescribed will also help with his ADHD on a small scale.When he gets cleaner he will prescribe something for his ADHD. He can contact him anytime at the center. It was a hopeful conversation.
 I will support him in recovery, at arms length and hope he makes it...xo

Group

Against what my gut was telling me & my heart...Yes my heart won.With nowhere to go after detox,we took him.We set up the boundries...rules to follow..signed a contract ( Ha Ha),With hope and little else he settled in...we didn't! 
 Two Hundred dollars worth of meds later,he decided he needed more than was prescribed...Sorry Bud I am in control of meds...take as directed...call Dr.if you need a change...Asked for the car to get some candy...Sorry..no..you can't use OUR car.
 2 hours later give or take an hour...he informed us that in group they talked about parents treating them like children and not adults...we were treating him like a kid..with rules & boundarys

...here we goooooooo folks!!! I smiled and said I was sitting with the group across the hall where they were teaching us not to enable and setting up rules & boundary's...Guess what group your in now ????...Our Group...Feel free to leave anytime..no rule about that..check-out time is anytime!!
  Thinking my gut will win out in the end...I never was much of a groupie!

Mixed Emotions

 I am not sure,I do not know, how to NOT let my emotions dictate how to deal with my son.
Tomorrow he is being discharged from detox...He will not be allowed back into the family doctors Methadone program..in fact he has released him as patient all together.Thus he is now on the Addiction facility's methadone programs waiting list..He is Number 78 on the list..As much as this sounds mean to release him he is relentless in getting what he wants..wants control..has no respect..for either the DR or The Methadone program.
  Apparently he was back to using big time while awaiting his bed at detox( I just found this out yesterday)...money we thought was being used to purchase methadone, was being used to purchase drugs..quite a variety of drugs in large amounts.
Their suggestion to him was, to go to a sober living facility...3 month wait...He will not make it that long without using ..a vicious cycle.
  I cannot take him home...he will NOT follow any rules or boundaries we impose..I get emotionally and physically exhausted from the lies and manipulation.I am torn tho because of the lack of resources available to him...but then again..he does not seem to want to or will not take advantage of what is available.I do not know what will happen to him..Love him to death..But I see a train wreck coming when he is released and there is nothing I can do to stop it.Do I stand beside the train or do I become a casuality of this wreck..again..again & again..

Harm Reduction

My fear about detox has become a reality.The Doctor stated My son cannot successfully detox off methadone in a facility that only offers a 5-10 day detox....and nowhere to go after that.Methadone withdrawal is 10x worse than opiate and can last months and months.The medication he will leave there with to help, will basically unable him to work or function at any normal level.He predicts within a week to 10 days he would be back using.For the Addiction Center methadone program( which is free) there is a 8 month wait.The cost of his methadone is 600.00 a month for us,as he could not possibly afford to pay that and live.Social services would pay..but he cannot be working and get assistance from them.So Mamma & dad pay.Which we have done in the past and I will again IF His family Dr takes him back into his methadone program and IF he doesn't use...Stupid to pay and him using at the same time!! The Doctor stated his attitude has changed ten-fold since his last visit ( well he left).Staff thinks he is serious,attending meetings...asking good questions,Requested a counselor & be on the outpatient program. Now I have to convince his Dad!!
He said at this point with limited resources we are looking at harm reduction in form of the methadone program. Difficult ..no...!@#$%^*  hard to digest that we are so behind the times in treatment and nothing is being done to move us in any forward direction !!! What to do???