Friday, May 8, 2015

My Mamma

                                                         My Mamma was a tiny little thing,with a big heart.My Mamma was also an chronic opioid user,at a time when little was known about Opioid abuse and even less was known how to treat it.Add alcohol to the mixture..death on an installment plan.
Her Story will be familiar to many,it all started after a Motorcycle Accident when she broke her back.Pain Pills and More Pills...and more pain pills.
    She was Stunning,the beauty of a Movie Star.I remember when I was very young,watching her get ready for the day,not a hair out of place and lipstick glided across her lips perfectly.Then she would take a kleenex and pucker her lips around it to get off any excess.I would then say " Mamma do I look like you ? No,You look like your father".Everyday I would ask the same question,anticipating she'd say " Yes you do !".I wanted so much to look like her,Natural raw beauty.
   As I grew older subtle changes started to appear,in her appearance,her speech,her day to day routine.
Roles began to reverse,being the oldest my new role became caregiver,to her,my younger siblings.
 Daily trips to the drug store to buy over the counter pills with Codeine.A bottle of 80 and a package of gravol to prevent them from making her sick.I realized ,after awhile this was reason for the changes happening to her.I attempted,begged many times for her to stop,But she wouldn't..I know now..Couldn't.
She had the Disease of Addiction.That vile, cruel disease that steals our Mamma's,Father's and Children.
 She was always the first to help out a neighbor, a family member in need,bring them a casserole,Home made biscuits.She was also a great cook and baker !In return we found out later..she would slip into their medicine cabinet and slip their pills into her pocket. She emptied our piggy banks,my dad's pockets...borrowed money to pay for her " habit".So many shared these stories with me...After she died.
 We attempted to get her help.I refused to buy her pills anymore,she would then send my younger siblings to the drugstore with a note...and they would arrive home with them in hand.I phoned the pharmacy to went on deaf ears.I phoned our family doctor..please don't write any more scripts for pain pills.He would promise to talk to her...He did..there, there, have to stop taking these as he handed her another script.She would con her co-workers into giving her something from the med carts..Then they would call me to come get her, as she was too "sick" to work.
  When we would rush her to the hospital after an overdose,we thought great..she would get help..Nope..she would open her eyes..look at us kids standing around the bed and say " Darn,I was hoping I would never wake up".
 I felt such guilt and fear ,leaving to start my own life.
 She died quite young in today's standards,after she developed a Chronic disease and her once beautiful body was unable to fight off any more assaults.Her severely damaged organs finally let her down.She finally got her wish,died in her sleep with massive amounts of pain medications.
 I loved her sooo much,she had many many wonderful quality's,which Addiction slowly eroded away.
I remember on Mother's Day ,I would always go overboard.Naively thinking if I showed her how much I loved her,she would stop.She didn't..I know, she knew, how much I loved her..and I knew ,how much she loved me...But she was sick..with Addiction..and Addiction won.

Happy Mother's Mamma...xoxo
P.S. I do look like my Mamma...