Monday, December 30, 2013

Reflections on 2013

  As I opened the morning paper I was reminded what the year 2013 was about on our Gentle Island."Addiction"...And I cried.It is so sad when the lead story for 2013 was about the murder-suicide of a young woman & her young son swallowed up by addiction.Tremendous loss to all families involved and the community as a whole.And everyone judged..blamed..pointed fingers..and all I could hear was the incidious snicker of addiction in the background,like the monster it is celebrating it's most recent catch...and the many young lives it stole before & after this incident..and yet..no significant steps to tackle this growing problem!!

  It was this story & my own son's dance with death, that was playing out at the same time,that brought me out of the shadow's and into the fight for the much needed treatment for our children.

  It was a year of hell..but out of the ashes came sooo many blessings!!
It was the people...complete strangers, that reached out to me when I was inwardly & outwardly screaming for help.
Some with a simple sentence " I understand what your going thro"
So much advice & words of wisdom from those that went down this path before me and continue now beside me!!
Allowing me to heal,to be come stronger,better informed, more understanding,trying anything and everything to help my son get on the path to recovery.
It was a perfect mix of loving caring people, to the straight shooting,in your face,reality checks that I needed .
Thank-you to each and every one of you !! Many will not even know it was their words,gestures of kindness,stories shared,writings of their own that reached out to me...touched me,enabled me to heal,while NOT enabling my son.

This last day of 2013 brought me a son in recovery,struggling each day to maintain.. but so far successful!

To my 2 biggest cheerleaders,supporters and my biggest blessings this year..love you both Rose & Chris..xoxo

Ode To Addiction

You think your so cunning
So Smart and Tough
Consuming my son
Well This Mamma's had enough!

I'll do what I must
To defeat your curse
My son will grow stronger
And not ride in your Hearse!

The gloves are Off
You've met your Match
I'll meet you head on
Everything you throw,I'll Catch!

Those words that you Spew
Using his body,thinking it's cute
Does not scare me anymore
I'll just put you on mute!!

You think you've got him ?
That I don't see ?
MY little boy..
Screaming out for me!

His outside has changed
He looks tired & sick
He's just your vessel
To blind me with your tricks!!

My eyes are wide open,
My Mind is set!
This Mamma means Business
My Son you'll not get!

Call me a fool,
Call me Naive,way off track,
Call me the Mamma
That Stole her son Back!

       
                MammaP













Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas


What is Christmas?
Every time a hand reaches out
To help another...
That is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside
And strives for understanding...
That is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences
And realize their love for each other...
That is Christmas.

May this Christmas bring us
Closer to the spirit of human understanding
Closer to the blessing of peace & Love..xo

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Check-in

Thought I should update,been really busy,tis the season!
My son has been really well this week after a rough go for a few days,Back on track & his actions are speaking in unison with his words.I read somewhere we know when they are truly into recovery when their actions match their words.This has been the case this week! It has been a good week!

Christmas & holidays seem to be a hard time for those with addictions,hopefully being surrounded by the love of family will keep him safe & in a good place.

I am also so lucky to be surrounded by such loving caring people in the Addiction Community,without them I wouldn't have made this far with my sanity intact( most days).

For me it has been kinda like a witches brew,I add a little of this & that..take out what doesn't work,put in something different..For now it seems to be working..Thanks to advice I have gotten from people all over the world..and all walks of life..It is such an nasty disease in what works for one does not work for all...Trial & error,the whole time hoping,praying that this time he's got it.I just refuse to let addiction win with my son..I hope he has the same mindset..xoxo

Saturday, December 14, 2013

And How Was Your Week ?

Let's just say mine was Baaad..Testing us everyway he can..He had a slip..got back on track..Dr told us to expect this until his methadone reaches the appropiate level..A few other glitches in his recovery that I am not worrying about..his recovery..I can only control our actions..Our recovery..Longest he has been in our home for a long time...I guess that would be a success of sorts..xo

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Ignorance

Insensitivity,Call it what you like but a letter to the editor in our Daily newspaper really made me angry!!
The funny thing is, I sat behind this man at the hearings on addiction,he also gave a great presentation on his own addiction to alcohol and what helped him reach Sobriety.

But today's letter was just plain Ignorance.The sentence that really got my Irish up was: Round up all the dysfunctional families and offer them support as these are the families that " Produce " the addicts.
WOW!!!

 I Wonder where he has been the last few years when the families that "produce" the addicts have been slowly coming out and speaking up. I Wonder if reads the daily newspaper where the Doctors,Lawyers,RCMP,Pharmacists, Youth Workers, etc that have been charged for dealing,stealing to support their own addictions or does he just read his own letters that get printed!! Addiction does not discriminate!!  I Wonder does he realize Addiction is a disease!! I wonder...and I worry..statements & opinions like his just set us back in looking for treatment for our families.

I feel a letter to the Editor coming on....

Friday, December 6, 2013

Addict Behavior

 This is tough...Although he is clean & working the program the addict behavior is alive & well!!
I have been told it can take up to 3 months for this "start" changing...God Help me!!
Patience Mamma Patience

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Calmness,Strength & Inner Peace

That would be me.I have no Idea where it came from,but I am embracing it !! Even tho I have always seemed to remain calm during stressful happenings in my life and do what needs to be done,This is a different calmness,Like an inner peace of sorts.

I have made a conscious decision( it is hard to keep quiet when I think he is making the wrong choices!!) to let my son now own his recovery,I can advocate for him, but I cannot control his recovery,he alone has to walk that lonely road I can only be a bystander,support,listen & love.It was & Is a steep learning curve for me.

I once had a client who was dying and I was the nurse who did the nights,we would sit almost the whole night just talking,She needed to share her life,she had accepted death,was ready,and wanted to tell me how blessed she was.I always felt Blessed that she chose me to share her last days with & reminisce. She was a farmer's wife,no children,and had no sisters but 2 brothers who she lived with and you could feel the love between them all.She really touched me and I actually looked forward to each night to our marathon talks,Tea & biscuits with the odd chocolate bar thrown in !! She had a hard life,not only physically as a farmer, but she remained for 30 years in an abusive relationship.These were the times when the man was the king of his Castle and she truly believed she was doing something to deserve these horrendous beatings.

The story she shared with me changed her life forever.It is a very uplifting and sad story at the same time.

Being a Farmer they always had animals around...people used to drop off their unwanted cats & dogs on their land, knowing she would always feed & care for them.These were her children.One day this very pregnant kitten showed up on her doorstep.She said it couldn't have been any more than 6 months old.

Her husband was raging,not only another cat,but a pregnant one at that!!Well the day came that the kitten had her babies...8 & pure white...She said the Mamma was so proud...and never left them even to eat herself,so she she would take her food & milk to her in the loft.

One day she was hanging out clothes and she saw her husband walking by with a potatoe sack in his hand and heading for the river.She knew exactly what he was doing and what was in the sack,the kittens,He was going to drown them.She dropped eveything and ran after him.By the time she caught up with him he was on his way back and the bag was slowly sinking in the river.As she watched in horror,the Mamma's head emerged from the water..in it's mouth,a baby.She actually swam to the bank dropped off the kitten and went back..This went on till all 8 babies were safely back on shore.Cats are known for their fear of water and inability to swim...This she thought was a miracle.She quickly bundled them all up in her apron and set off for her brother's farm a mile away where she knew they would be safe.

The courage of that Mamma gave her the courage to leave her husband.The next day she had her brother's come & get her and she lived out her remaining years with her brothers & 9 cats!! Although at this point in her life the Mamma had since passed on,one of the 8 kittens was still around at the young age of 24...and it never left her side for the 4 months I spent with her.

I do not think there is a moral to this story but his actions finally gave her the courage to leave or was it the actions of the Mamma cat...risking her own life to save her babies...She died the next night on my shift,peacefully and surrounded by the love of her brothers & the one remaining kitten that always served to reminder her of the strength she had deep inside her.

I don't know why this woman entered my thoughts yesterday,But it made me smile & cry at the same time...Maybe she is still with me in spirit..helping me, to dig deep inside and find my own strength & Inner peace..xox


Sunday, December 1, 2013

2 Weeks

Thought I should give you an update on my son. He did not get accepted into long term rehab this time.One reason being his ex-Family Dr.decided he did not wish to provide a letter of support.

So I had to think fast on what to do next, since he was already in detox.  After many unanswered phone calls to the Addiction Center I decided to go out myself.A good friend of mine told me to remain calm ( I often react with my heart ), But refuse to leave until I was able to speak to someone about my son's treatment plan, upon leaving detox.I had no problem seeing someone.A wonderful Nurse who knew my son quite well from previous visits to detox.I remained calm throughout our meeting.To my surprise she agreed with everything I said including the part where I told her detoxing our children for 5-7 days and putting them back on the streets was more of a relapse program...a revolving door of detox..relapse.Also to my surprise she had my son down pat !! I told her I felt without treatment for both his addiction & ADHD he was doomed to fail...He is his own worst enemy and needed much more than detox.She asked me to leave it with her and she would see what she could do,as she already had been working on keeping him for longer than 7 days.I had a good feeling about her and trusted she would do her best to help him.

The next day my son called sounding very upbeat and actually hopeful,they had taken him into the methadone program.

Later that day The Doctor called me..Not only was this monumental...But the fact that I just arrived at my oldest sons home 1500 miles away..wow!! He wanted to explain to me the program he was setting up for my son..double wow!! Apparently my advocating for my son,The support of the nurse and talking with my son himself gave him more insight into his addiction and some of reasons he was not successful thus far in any form of recovery .As much as I wanted to say..duhh there was no help offered..or available..I zipped it shut and listened.

They kept him for 10 days
Started him on methadone
Set him up with a counselor
Put his name in for a sober living home
Appts weekly with the Doctor
Addressing his ADHD with medication to be taken when he goes for his methadone.
Group meetings twice a week
NA meetings at The center
random urine tests( which has happened twice already)
Structure..Structure..structure..Exactly what he needs!!!

Yes he was on methadone before,but thro his family doc...and nothing more..There is accountability now...support...companionship of other addicts..and did I say Structure!! He is back living with us..with rules & boundary's...no enabling.

My support system is in place...always just a phone call or coffee away ;)..My e-mail Buddy who has helped more than he can ever know, by providing me with support & knowledge from his experience of living with addiction and now being clean for 10 years!! And my SESH (Sharing Experience,Strength & hope) Book!!


My son has now been clean for 2 weeks today...and we all know take it one day at time..so for today..It is a Great Day.I am learning to live in the moment...I remember my first battle with Cancer when I would bargain to live to the expiry date on the Milk Carton.Different disease,Different times,no bargaining...Just living in the moment...xoxo

Saturday, November 30, 2013

I Lost a Friend

Not to drugs but to suicide.A common theme these past months on our small Island,mostly among our young people with addiction & mental health issues.Every parents nightmare.But this time it was the parent.A Beautiful soul who was a friend of mine for many years.

I knew her before the depression got a hold of her,As a kind, lovable,giving, nursing student,who had so much empathy it oozed from her.I also worked with her sister. Beth was the baby of her family and was always surrounded by unconditional love.Her nightmare began with many years of spousal abuse.She found the courage to leave and figured she was on the road to happiness.After a few years as an MLA in the government,giving back to the people in her community she was once again enveloped by the arms of Clinical Depression.She sought help,talked about it openly, to try and de stigmatize mental illness.

Last week the depression won,In a province with so many suicides and only half the required number of Mental Health specialists ,I fear we will lose a few more.1.5 years waiting for a mental health assessment is unacceptable on soooo many levels.


Unfortunately I was away at the time of Beth's death,and unable to attend her funeral.She will be greatly missed,not only by her family but by every life she touched,That's just who she was.

If ever there was an Earthly Angel,She held that title...

We will Laugh & Talk again Beth..xo

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Is This His Time ?

Well here we go again,I hope & pray this is his time.Still no word if he will get an opportunity to get long term treatment,but not giving up hope..yet.The rest is up to him.I hope he embraces recovery this time.We will give him the opportunity to come back home to work his program and stay clean.Love & a safe place is all we have left to give him..I know you've heard it all before...and here are again.

Again I am heading off for a short visit with my Older son & Family...My Beautiful granddaughter's 2nd birthday..where does the time go..At least this time my hubby will not be left to deal with my son alone,a mini vacation for him also...xo

Friday, November 15, 2013

The Nightmare

I had a really bad sleep last night,the reason I am sure is because my son is entering detox again and the same fears and what if's creep in.

1.5 years ago my dad died,the day of his funeral,we the family were inside sharing a lunch with those that attended and sharing stories about my Dad.My husband approached me with a look of terror on his face.Apparently my youngest son was out at the grave,not crying,but filling it in shovel full..by shovel full.I went out to talk to him.He explained his grandfather would want him to do this..not some stranger.I went back inside and let him continue to do what he need to do,much to the shock of alot people.It was his way of showing his love,who am I to judge.

Well last night it was me filling in that grave,and it was my son's grave not my father's.I can still see that image today.What a true nightmare addiction is and for all involved.I have to keep fighting for better treatment to keep my mind busy on the positives and stop these images from creeping into not only my waking hours but now my dreams...I sang this song to both my son's when they were babies...and to my granddaughter today,I wish things were this simple today to bring calm & comfort to my son.
xo

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Different View

As I opened the morning paper today to read another Mother's Story of Loss..It hit me hard..I think I was still holding out hope her son would be found alive..My son will enter detox,yet again, on the weekend.Then what? I struggle continually with the Tough Love Theory...We tried that early on his life in dealing with his ADHD...It did not work..It certainly will not work now with an added Disease of Addiction.As I have mentioned before, the enabling I have down to a science.We do not enable anymore.I do however struggle with the decision to give him over to the streets, when he so desperately seeks & needs long term treatment.I know in my Heart I cannot do it.I will take him home after detox and support & advocate for further treatment for his addiction & mental Illness.

 This morning I received an e-mail from a young man that sealed my decision.He is now clean and has been in recovery for 7 years.He wrote... "MY" e-mail brought tears to his eyes as he remembered how his course of using and addiction affected his Mamma & Family,Ironically HIS brought tears to my eyes..Not only for the hope it gave me that recovery is possible..But it was the Love of his parents who never turned him out that he gives credit to for saving his life by allowing him to stay at home,It also allowed him to seek help.2 things he mentioned in his letter are worth sharing.
1.Remember even if you can't see it or feel it your son loves you and feels safe knowing you haven't given up believe me if he could,he would stop.
2. something my mother said when I asked her why she never slammed the door on me. Her response was what if that was the last time I saw you. What if my actions made you realize your life was so empty and it caused you to end your life, I would never forgive myself.

I truly believe this is a disease and thus should be treated as such..I would not turn him away if it was Cancer and I just can't turn him away now as he reaches for recovery.As I have said before there is no right or wrong answer in dealing with this...each person's story is different and what led them to recovery...We will see how this works if he is given the chance for proper treatment..Keep your fingers crossed & keep us in your prayers as he enters Detox again this weekend, that this will be his time when he reaches for recovery and succeeds...xoxo
 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A New Abode

The search is on for another place to stay.His current room mates( I say this lightly as he is sleeping in their storage room) are leaving the province.Just yesterday a friend(my guardian Angel) wrote in her blog about our children being homeless and the anguish , we as parents go through, having to turn them away.This was the topic of conversation at our home this weekend.

He still has another week in his cozy quarters but after that..he's out.It also is his last week of work.I honestly did not think he would make it..but he did.He managed to keep himself going by the grace of god,Mamma's taxi service and home cooked meals.( of course the week isn't over yet).He is then scheduled to enter detox,hopefully( I say this lightly) then a sober living home till he gets( or doesn't) a shot at Off Island treatment.

This is where things get dicey.What if there is no bed available at the sober-Living( 10)? This is where things got heated.Can I come home? This is where I may have turned a corner of sorts.Although he wanted an answer then,I told him that's now how I work anymore.I am only living in today and today I can't answer you.We will see how things work out with everything else in his plans and we will talk about it at that time.He pushed for an answer,he had to know,he couldn't have this on his mind for weeks...blah blah blah.The truth is I did not have an answer.He let it drop,for today.It was too easy,he never lets things drop without a drawn out fight.But I'll it take it for what it was,Drove him back to his apt and actually relaxed for the rest of the day with no further thought to the conversation( a feat in itself for me!!).

In previous attempts to come home it always ended with both of us upset.Yesterday it was just him.I lived in the moment,and for that day only...Where today take us..Who knows...This is what I truly love about my Guardian Angel,She is always there to bounce off and never,never Judges.You have to do what is best for you and your family..everyone's circumstances are different,there is no right or wrong,you do what feels right for you...Gotta love a friend like that..xoxo.I keep adding to my arsenal with bits & pieces from others who go down the same path,some worked,other's did not,It is such an Individual Journey with a common thread.Positive thoughts someday, my turn will come, when I write in my Blog, my son has been in recovery for 3 months,1 year,2 years,etc...xoxo

Today my thoughts are with another Family,Their son is missing,Suspected Suicide who struggled with Addiction with indequate treatment.This would be 2 this last week.I pray and think of them today...


Monday, November 11, 2013

Rememberance Day

I come from a long line of Veterans,who have fought all over the world.I am so proud.My Dad fought in Korea. Both my Grandfather's fought in WW1 & WW2 along side their sons.How awful that must of been for the mothers,both Husband & Son's gone off to war.They were made of strong stock,not only handling all the farm work at home & raising the children still at home,but the fear of getting that letter in the mail telling you, your husband or son is missing in action.                                                                                                                                                                               My Grandmother got such a letter,In heavy black type on an air mail letter,her son had given his life in Italy in 1943.He was her second born and the only one of 5 children that looked like her.He was 18 and very handsome,had a wonderful sense of humor, Loved his Mamma more than anything.He was popular with everyone and always went out of way to help someone else.In fact the day he was killed he was filling in for his brother, As a driver,for 4 Star General , when a Bomb struck their car.He & his best friend who was also in the car were instantly killed.The General and his staff survived.He wrote my Grandmother a very touching letter.It included the conversation he had with him about his much loved Island & his Mamma.
 It had been just a few short months before she had received a letter from him telling her the news.These letters were always upbeat & funny..But always ended with asking for money & Cigs..This last letter contained the news that he won a Medal, It was the Golden Gloves Medal for Boxing ! He hadn't told her he was on the team, for fear she would worry about him getting hurt.He told her he lost weight with none of her homecooked meals and thus qualified for the 135lb weight division on the Canadian Team.The Championships were held in London,which as he explained he joined the boxing club to spend some time in London with a gal he met there, when he first arrived in Europe.
 The Day of the Final match he was up Against an American.He wrote he was one of the nicest boys he had ever met and really did not have the heart to fight him.So he danced around him, Avoiding his punches but not attempting to fight back.It was the last round and it was tied,he decided he better make his team Proud and landed a few knock - out punches..But his opponent kept getting back up.Finally after the last Punch and he hit the floor,My Uncle told him " For god's sake stay down, I don't want to hurt your pretty face anymore,Your Mamma will kill me!!".He Did..This young man wrote my grandmother for years after the war,he was from the "Boston States" and an Irishman like my grandmother.
 Just last year I inherited the medal & his letters all wrapped in bow and kept in a Morris Chocolates Box for safe keeping.I in turn donated his medal to the local Military Museum.It now proudly hangs in it's walls underneath his picture for all to see and enjoy,He will not be forgotten.
 While reading these letters and getting to know him through his words, it struck me I know this Boy...Not only is my Youngest son the spit of him,But carry's his personality traits.
 On this day of Remembrance I not only remember the sacrifice's our Men & Boys made for their counties,But also for the boy I used to know.

Peace & Freedom

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Mamma Why

Are you always so angry? A Question my son asked me yesterday as I ran him to work.Duuuuh.
Kinda tells you the mental state my son is in!! I couldn't even answer I was so angry!!

After giving his question some thought through out the day I gave him an answer at supper.
Fear...Fear of the unknown...Of not knowing where his addiction is going to lead us.Fear he is going die.Fear that his father & I's marriage won't survive much longer.Fear Fear Fear.

 Does that answer your question?

I dislike the term "detach".You have to "detach with Love".A fellow blogger once wrote me and said use the word "distance" instead.Sounds so much better.I was doing better at distancing myself,but lately with his neediness for food,drives,support,
etc,that distance is shortening again and with it my anger is rising.I need to work on this again,I am slipping backwards instead of moving ahead.Sound familiar? No Different than his battle with his drug of choice,The only difference is he is mine.

I did get a letter of support from my Family Doctor yesterday for long term treatment for my son.It was very powerful so I hope it will help.I also again asked for a wee something for myself,just to numb me a bit.Again the answer was no.You can't be numb dealing with him,you need to be at full speed,hopefully he will soon be in treatment and you will heal...Hope he says the same thing next time he sees me and I am wearing one of those cute little jackets that tie in the back!! AnyWhooooooooooo..Deep Breath..Time for me today. xo


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Methadone Clinic

 More news yesterday on our Islands fight with addiction,A New Methadone Clinic.It is an independent clinic run by 8 doctors.It is not connected with the Addiction Centers Clinic nor is it under the Governments Umbrella.Four of these Doctors presently have anywhere from 50-100 patients in their Family practise and have been practising this way for 7 years.
.
 I know Doctors get a bad rapp for over prescribing opiates but these 4 doctors seen the need for life saving help for addicts( I hate that word) and stepped up to the plate.This wasn't easy for them to do,along with their regular patients to have & monitor up to 100 methadone patients,I know the pitfalls trying to handle one!! They plan to Add another 100 immediately.

 One of these Doctors is my own Family Doctor who had been looking after my son for over 20 years, Until a few months ago when he couldn't deal with him & his Lies & attempted manipulation anymore.I have nothing but admiration for the man,He is an excellent Doctor.

 What I find Ironic about this announcement, is on Friday at the news conference, regarding the Addiction & Mental Health report,They hired an overseer. A new chief mental health and addictions officer to oversee all areas of addiction & Mental Health.The Idea is to have her bring them together so those with addictions, can access the help they need in a seamless manner, not have each agency work independently ( their eg was bring the silo's together).In Theory a great Idea,but in putting it into practise may take time.More time then some of our Addicts have perhaps.

 In His Interview yesterday One of the Doctor's spearheading this Clinic stated they wanted to remain independent and not have big brother dictate to them.After all these are not some yahoo's from the backwoods.They are trained physicians first, trained in Methadone Maintenance and reached out to the addiction Community with help when no one else did.My opinion is they deserve a whole lot respect & Kudo's for taking this next step that is greatly needed in our City!!


 The Province also intends to open a clinic to help with easier access to those associated with The Addiction Center & also increase the openings in their program to ease the long waiting list.
The Doctors announced theirs will open in the New Year,The government gave no timeline other than as soon as possible.

  Dealing with the Government and their initiatives sometimes feels like your watching a magic show,alot of slight of hand ,disappearing acts & Illusions,but in the end... no White Rabbit was pulled out of the Hat.

 Congrats to the Family Doctors for taking this step in helping with the struggles our children with Addictions go thro daily in waiting for their lottery number to pop up and get on the methadone program!!


Monday, November 4, 2013

Weekend Review

 I ran for the shore...My refuge when things are not going so great...I had such hope for that damn report..and it left both myself,but most importantly my son down.He also was awaiting it,in hopes of some kind of treatment in the immediate future..But it was void.
 My son came over today to do laundry,have a good meal & shower.He looked sad & sounded almost hopeless..There was no manipulation..Only talk of recovery,treatment,a better life.He was sick,I could see it in his eyes,his voice.While he was here Detox phoned regarding a bed.He explained he was working,2 weeks left, if they could arrange a bed around that time,she promised to do the best she could and keep him on the list to ensure when he was done, a bed would be available quickly.Bless her heart!!
 We are working on a application for out of province treatment..we will see where that takes us.Very few get it..I pray he does..I'm scared of his talk,his look,even in his darkest moments in the past,  I have never seen him like this..It causes me great concern & fear.Recently I have reconnected with an old friend I have not seen in years,She just lost her son to addiction..She is going thro hell..her reality is my greatest fear!!
I have an appointment with my Family doc this week..perhaps he can help regarding my son's mental health.I do know I can't fix him,only he can do that...xo  

Friday, November 1, 2013

Mental Health and Addictions Report

 Well, I attended the Looooong awaited report on Mental Health and Addictions today.It was a packed house  with standing room only.I hate being an optimist,more often than not, It is not what I hoped for,This report was no different.
It did contain a few tidbits.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           He expanded the methadone treatment and included a methadone clinic..this should decrease the wait times for our Addicts,allowing them to receive it in a timely manner not waiting for a year.

  •  He also announced a 10-bed transition unit for use after detox..with a stay of an extra 21 days..He failed to mention these are not new beds..but beds that were already available just never used.BUT I'll take them !! 
  •  He expanded access to Suboxone for youth ( 18-24)
  •  Hired 3 new staff to help those with addictions navigate the system.
  •  Added assistance to a new youth addictions after-care project.( 18-24)
  • Reviewing prescription drug coverage..hired an investigator to look into this problem.
  • Hired a Chief Mental Health and Addictions Officer to oversee and bring all areas of addiction & mental together rather than working on their own making it difficult to obtain any seamless treatment and services.
That's it folks!!
No new sober living facilities
No long treatment program or plan
No Rehab
1.2 million spent on this new strategy...Most of it's on wages for new staff hired or shuffled from other depts)..To say I am disappointed is putting it mildly...I am happy for the youth..a few more, much needed, tools to help with their addictions..Sadly nothing to help my son..or others who are over 24.
 As I sat there surveying the room it was mostly Community Agency's,Dept's of Government & Staff,MLA's,Staff of addictions, Special Interest Groups. Where I was sitting was a handful of Women,Who tirelessly work & fight everyday to improve the services for addicts..Yes Mother's of Addicts( who were left out in his opening address thanking almost everyone else for being there) .Some of whom have formed organizations,some who go it alone..But all with a common goal..Treatment!!! I watched afterwards  as some of these women swarmed the speakers with question after question to get clarification on the report, gave interviews to the press.They were not fooled by the big talk and little action being heard, by those of us with our children's lives on the line.It gave us little hope...So the fight continues..I wonder how many more son's & daughter's we will lose waiting..waiting..for long term treatment..One of those now could be mine...

Added Nov2: After just reading the local paper, The minister stated the 10 " New" beds are for youth..Argggh.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

An Old Soul

 That would be my oldest son,Always was and will be,wise beyond his years.
It makes me sad he and family live so far away,but I am so glad he is far enough away from the life we are living today.There is a 5 year age difference between he & his younger brother,which has saved him from seeing most of his brother's addiction Journey.But he always asks about him,voices his opinion, and expresses his concerns about what this is doing to us.I hope someday they are able to heal their relationship.

 He called yesterday to see how things were going,when I told him he may be getting a chance at treatment at a center close to where he lives( 3 hours away),he quickly said " I hope he doesn't think I am going to visit him"..I did tell him his brother mentioned it.." Well I won't..Until I know for sure he is serious and on the right path to recovery". That's my Boy :)

 Although I question myself on why we were given such turmoil & heartache with my youngest son,I embrace the fact we were also given my oldest son First.I guess someone,somewhere decided you were blessed with best, now lets see how you handle The challenging one.One day at time would be the answer,sometimes one minute at time.

 I love both my son's equally,But I am so grateful for my Old soul,somedays it is he who keeps me going..xoxo

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Home

  After work yesterday my son dropped in for supper,A daily occurrence that I do not mind as we are home and at least he gets 1 good meal a day.He is gaunt,thin, but not high from drugs,he also agrees to random drug testing, so we know it is just methadone( illegally bought) he is taking and not actively using IV opiates.

 I gave him a drive to where he is living and we had a open
discussion about his situation.He tried to work on my emotions by telling me he can't handle this too much longer.He hates where he is living,I told him he is lucky he has a place to live,many do not,even if it is a mattress on the floor in his friends storage area.He expressed remorse for what he has put us through,money he has cost us,My response was he could repay us when he gets well, But the biggest repayment would be seeing him in recovery and doing the work to help himself. He did not think he could last much longer and fears he is going to die or gets desperate enough to commit suicide.I told him to put his big boy panties on..he has been in far worse shape and survived and if he truly wanted to have a life, drug free he could do it!! Inside my heart was breaking...But I know he is where he needs to be, to realize just how far down the hole he is in,perhaps now he can see,that only he can figure how to get out.He has never been suicidal..depressed..although I can't dismiss it all together,I think he was just trying to manipulate his way back home.We cannot take him back home,He has to find his own way back home..I pray he does...


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Question

I know a few people read my blog,I have a question,please share your answer even if it isn't what I want hear,It may be what I need to hear!! This has been a stumbling block for me,My brick wall.
Here Goes:
If Addiction is a disease ( a fact we all know),Why is it wrong to help them get well,I do not mean enabling them,I think I have that one ( almost) mastered.Every blog I read handles things differently...and each outcome is different no matter what they do or do not do...some for the better..some for the worse.I don't know if it is my nursing that prevents me from taking that final step of handing it over to a higher power..Or if it is just me in denial..making excuses..making me feel better by helping..I do not know...It has been compared to cancer..diabetes..etc..In the fact they need the best possible treatment..If it was Cancer..I surely wouldn't say..your on your own...It is your disease..you handle it..I know it is their choice to use..But after that the drug is in charge..Not them.
I guess I'm asking as I have had a few e-mails regarding my fighting on my son's behalf for better treatment..That I am wrong in doing this..What is wrong about that??? He has a disease..He needs treatment that is not available here..I know if he gets the treatment he needs..and screws it up..I will be done..But I feel until he gets that chance I cant stop fighting!!
Thanks..xo

Progress-Maybe

 Well after a day filled with e-mails..letter writing..phone calls..I made some headway in getting my son into a longer treatment program..Yes perhaps the fact that I told them I was going to the media with his story might have helped a wee bit..My son also agreed to tell his story( nightmare) publicly in hopes of accessing better treatment.
 Was it all lip service to an Irate Mamma..maybe..maybe not..we will see what happens in the coming weeks..Remaining silent however, gets you nothing.
  I was told,assured that an announcement was being made in regards to the methadone program.More spaces for those needing it, which will result in shorter wait times..A much needed change!
  Being a Child of the 60's with sit ins..protests..flower power..might just be coming in handy!!
 One step closer to getting my Peace..
 http://youtu.be/4rpz3-kj0q8
  
  

Monday, October 28, 2013

Anger

  So I am back from vacation...A wonderful 10 days full of smiles & giggles & so much love..what life should be about..I was kept so busy I had no time to think about what was going on at home...except when hubby called...I am not going to ramble on about what went on at home when I was away...lets just say nothing good happened.

  I have however came to a few realizations..realisms..reality checks...foolishness..whatever you want to call them...It is what I have do for me...for him...
  • He cannot live here..
  • We will not fund his habit,drug dealer etc.
  • I cannot find peace until he receives "Adequate" treatment,which I believe he now wants for himself,and is doing his part to stay alive long enough to get it.
  • I cannot let this anger go,I can let go of my anger toward him and what he has put us through,as he is sick.The system is failing him..when he wants to succeed..reaches for help...there is no help...maybe the system can let him die..but I sure as hell can't..without a fight.
  • Boxing gloves are on and I am going to talk..scream..whatever it takes to get, not only for my son,but all those son's & daughters on our fair Island the help they need!!
  • I am Angry..soooooooooo Angry at a system that is failing our kids...Not only the "Youth" But all of those that suffer from Addiction.
  • I am tired of him going to detox ( 7 days),Then nothing..back to the streets..
  • It is a system designed to set them up for failure!!
  • It is a system full of predjudices...If you do try & access what little programs are available...Your too old..no longer qualify for youth programs...If you work..sorry these programs run from 8-4...Sorry there is a waiting list..sorry sorry sorry..
  • Ask Questions...we will get back to you..They never do..how do some get access to programs licky split..and others turned away???
  • WEll I am going to get answers...and I will not stop until I do...Squeaky wheel gets the grease..I am going to squeak like a bansheee till I do...
  • Yes I am ANGRY!! 
  • Gonna get me some Peace & love anyway I can..xoxoxo
 
  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Respite

I can't even think of writing about what has happened over the past 5 days...a nightmare..It is enough to say he is using again,out on the street,couch surfing...I am not sure.At risk for losing Job,Landing in Jail..or losing his life.I am going for a 10 day stay with my oldest son.His treat to me,He has no idea how much this means to me and how much I need it!! I feel bad leaving Hubby home to deal with this alone.My hope is when I return my son will be in Jail,with no other treatment available to him,This is all there is left.It has been the worst yet on this journey..xo

Friday, October 11, 2013

The Week

It has been a week since detox graduation.A week of learning for all of us.It has, after all , been the first time he finished detox.I think some things have actually seeped into my brain.I finally understand the act of enabling,do not do anything for them that they can do for themselves.Secondly is the trust issue,It is a biggie with me,I am always wanting to trust him when he is clean,but he is never really clean long enough to trust him! I read a passage somewhere,I can't remember where but it hit home( Maybe Sally Swenson's blog).Only begin to trust when their actions coincide with their words.Makes perfect sense !!

His brother informed me he wrote him an e-mail the day he got out of detox.This is a biggie since they hardly ever communicate unless my older son is home visiting.It was a letter of amends.I think my oldest son was touched but very cautious as to the words.I did not ask him about the letter or what it contained, I was just glad that my youngest son wrote...and my older son actually opened the letter and read the contents!

The week kinda went downhill from there..GRrrrrrrrrr.

He needs support of other addicts..he did well in group I was told,But in my son's mind the group he needs to go to is the one at the Center.Which is at 8:30 in the morning.He goes to work at 8:00.I suggested perhaps he could go to another at 8:00 at night..no it is not at the center,But it is a support group and he may find just as beneficial . No..he only wants to attend the one that happens when he is working and he cannot attend..ooook gotcha.

They tried to fire him at work for the time missed at work while he was in detox.No they cannot fire you for addiction...it is in the union by-laws.

The biggie came when he found out hubby and I were planning our last weekend at the cottage...Could they come out & visit...yes...as long as we are there...next day...Can we stay overnight one night...I struggle with this one..I just wanted some alone time with hubby...we also have lots to do to close up the cottage..But I agreed..one night...Then yesterday he thought we should allow he & girlfriend to have the cottage by themselves!! We could go home early and let them spend the last night there by themselves..After all he was doing so good !! Ummmmm sorry no..this is about your dad & I for a change..Invited them over for supper..after 5 minutes of pleads..and reasons why I should...I stuck to NO!! He then told me to go F&^% myself and hung up...Progress..I think not..
And how was your week? xo

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Family Dinner

We have Family dinners quite often and we always have a good time filled with love & laughter.My son very rarely attends,even tho he is always invited.
 My brother hosted one on Sunday and of course invited my son. He waffled on going for fear of their questions,embarrassment over his addiction etc.He always had this Idea that no one knew,when in reality everyone knew, even when we tried to keep it hidden.I explained to him one of things I did to free myself and help me on this journey was to openly talk about his addiction with Family.I kinda broke the ice and they do now understand that addiction is a disease and will offer him support in his recovery.
 He came :) He and his girlfriend had a good time..My brothers congratulated him on being clean,encouraged him to continue on this path of recovery,his younger cousins greeted him with arms wide open,lots of hugs and family time.He actually engaged in conversations,helped with cleaning up,and laughed harder than I've seen him laugh in years.Even though my eyes never left him( worried about if he was going steal something) We also had a good day !! I will take this Day,bottle it and put it away for those days that are not so good ,then I can take it back out,uncork it Celebrate that good days do exist in this world Of Addiction!! xo

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Checked Out

Yep he checked out,I had been honest with him from the start and told him I would not be good for his recovery. I want to be!! I just can't handle the stress of dealing with both his addiction & ADHD.I want nothing more for him than to be clean & in recovery,but I can't be that person and have him live here.I can handle the million phone calls a day,the impromptu visits multiple times a day but I can't handle living in chaos & fear anymore.
 We did not ask him to leave,did I quickly pack up his things for him..You bet!! He went back with his girlfriend,for how long I do not know,but for today that is where he is.Physically he is doing well,meds are working,he does talk about group,attending meetings,his counsellor,remember he has ADHD and he can talk on 50 subjects in one minute so I lost count on all the things he hit on! But he was talking positive..just to many!! Hopefully he will concentrate on just getting thro today and take tomorrow when it comes.
 I did talk to his Addiction Doctor,appears he got to know him quite well in the week they spent together.He is happy with his progress,he has a very fast metabolism so that helped him with withdrawal and the meds prescribed should make the rest quite manageable on his own.He participated well in group,but was told he(son) was visibly shaken when he saw 3 very young girls in group who were IV drug users.He spoke to them and warned them of the dangers of taking this path,telling them he worked up to IV usage and to be starting this at this young age was very dangerous...yes that's my son,knows all the pitfalls,they just don't apply to him.The doctor shared this with me to point out he has alot of empathy,If he could just channel this in the right direction.His fear was the fast metabolism...double edge sword..his body also absorbs the illegal substances much faster and the high lasts much shorter,thus the danger of overdose.
 He wants him to continue working with them on his recovery,he sees hope and the meds he prescribed will also help with his ADHD on a small scale.When he gets cleaner he will prescribe something for his ADHD. He can contact him anytime at the center. It was a hopeful conversation.
 I will support him in recovery, at arms length and hope he makes it...xo

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Group

Against what my gut was telling me & my heart...Yes my heart won.With nowhere to go after detox,we took him.We set up the boundries...rules to follow..signed a contract ( Ha Ha),With hope and little else he settled in...we didn't! 
 Two Hundred dollars worth of meds later,he decided he needed more than was prescribed...Sorry Bud I am in control of meds...take as directed...call Dr.if you need a change...Asked for the car to get some candy...Sorry..no..you can't use OUR car.
 2 hours later give or take an hour...he informed us that in group they talked about parents treating them like children and not adults...we were treating him like a kid..with rules & boundarys
...here we goooooooo folks!!! I smiled and said I was sitting with the group across the hall where they were teaching us not to enable and setting up rules & boundary's...Guess what group your in now ????...Our Group...Feel free to leave anytime..no rule about that..check-out time is anytime!!
  Thinking my gut will win out in the end...I never was much of a groupie!


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Mixed Emotions

 I am not sure,I do not know, how to NOT let my emotions dictate how to deal with my son.
Tomorrow he is being discharged from detox...He will not be allowed back into the family doctors Methadone program..in fact he has released him as patient all together.Thus he is now on the Addiction facility's methadone programs waiting list..He is Number 78 on the list..As much as this sounds mean to release him he is relentless in getting what he wants..wants control..has no respect..for either the DR or The Methadone program.
  Apparently he was back to using big time while awaiting his bed at detox( I just found this out yesterday)...money we thought was being used to purchase methadone, was being used to purchase drugs..quite a variety of drugs in large amounts.
Their suggestion to him was, to go to a sober living facility...3 month wait...He will not make it that long without using ..a vicious cycle.
  I cannot take him home...he will NOT follow any rules or boundaries we impose..I get emotionally and physically exhausted from the lies and manipulation.I am torn tho because of the lack of resources available to him...but then again..he does not seem to want to or will not take advantage of what is available.I do not know what will happen to him..Love him to death..But I see a train wreck coming when he is released and there is nothing I can do to stop it.Do I stand beside the train or do I become a casuality of this wreck..again..again & again..

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Harm Reduction

My fear about detox has become a reality.The Doctor stated My son cannot successfully detox off methadone in a facility that only offers a 5-10 day detox....and nowhere to go after that.Methadone withdrawal is 10x worse than opiate and can last months and months.The medication he will leave there with to help, will basically unable him to work or function at any normal level.He predicts within a week to 10 days he would be back using.For the Addiction Center methadone program( which is free) there is a 8 month wait.The cost of his methadone is 600.00 a month for us,as he could not possibly afford to pay that and live.Social services would pay..but he cannot be working and get assistance from them.So Mamma & dad pay.Which we have done in the past and I will again IF His family Dr takes him back into his methadone program and IF he doesn't use...Stupid to pay and him using at the same time!! The Doctor stated his attitude has changed ten-fold since his last visit ( well he left).Staff thinks he is serious,attending meetings...asking good questions,Requested a counselor & be on the outpatient program. Now I have to convince his Dad!!
He said at this point with limited resources we are looking at harm reduction in form of the methadone program. Difficult ..no...!@#$%^*  hard to digest that we are so behind the times in treatment and nothing is being done to move us in any forward direction !!! What to do???

Saturday, September 28, 2013

With Love,Opiate


This poem was written by a friend of mine...who gives and gives of herself ,each and everyday helping not only Mamma's like myself,But also advocates for our Addicts..She literally saved my sanity..
Excellent work Rose!! xoxo my friend. 
 

Friday, September 27, 2013

Drop-Off

 Well he got there,and I dropped him off myself. It was not without the usual drama but he is there.Had his plan ready on what to tell them he needed and how long he needed to stay.I bit my tongue  and let him talk.
It scares me tho with this talk,to me it shows he wants control.I have given the lecture many times over the years on maybe listening to others who are the experts and give their way a try since his way isn't working too well.The important thing he is there!! How he chooses to get thro it is his choice.Hopefully he will finish this time!!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Today-Maybe

Well today is the day he goes into detox...I hope
Have not heard or seen him for 2 days..not a good sign!
I heard he took 1 day off..and another 1/2 day..another bad sign!
As he will be missing time and not get paid for those days he is in detox..this was pretty irresponsible!
What is he thinking????
One last hurrah before detox??? Scares me!!


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

811

  811,The newest initiative our government has decided to invest OUR tax dollars on.Don't get me wrong, I do believe it will help people avoid the emergency depts, help with concerns regarding health, educate about illnesses,diseases,bring some comfort to those with concerns. It will provide information,help make the decision to call or not call 911.
BUT,There is always a BUT. My number one problem with this 400,000 a year investment is it states Addiction as one of area's, that will see a vast improvement through this system.I am not a Debby Downer but give your head a shake!! How can calling 811 help our Addicts ? A nurse in Nova Scotia( where the system is) answers their call and Says what???
  • Go to emerg-where you will be told either of 2 things,We do not treat addicts here,Or Have a seat,there is a 7 hour wait,Just what you need and have heard when you visit and are feeling suicidal.
  • Go to detox.Where you can wait for over a month for a bed
  • You just came out of detox and need help,Go to a sober-living facility,only a 3 month wait there.
  • In the meantime contact social services,they will help you secure shelter, sorry you need an Address to access that help,and the minute you mention Addiction,you are ushered out the door,not a viable illness to receive social assistance.
  • Contact your family doctor
  • God Help us!!! 
I just hope when & If Minister Currie announces his looooong awaited plan for addictions, The 811 system is not included in the investment monies allocated to Addictions!!!

 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Psssst

I am only going to whisper, as it might Jinx the news. HE GOT A BED !!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

No Room At The Inn

Just a quick up-date...Still no room at the Inn...4 weeks since he requested a bed at Detox. Today I made him call and put it on speaker phone so I could hear the conversation ( Plus I was beginning to wonder if he really did ) Conversation kinda went like this.
Son: Yes just calling again to see if you can tell me when I can get a bed in detox,I have been waiting a month and everyday you tell me it will be this week.
Intake person: What's your name sweetie?
Son: Name given
Intake person: Yes we have your referral,we have noted you called from Aug 22 -Sept 20 everyday.Sorry we had some emergency referral's that we had to take which affected those on the waiting list
Son: If I do not get in soon I am going to do something stupid,This is ridiculous !!
Intake Person: If you feel suicidal please go to Emergency,You will get in soon Sweetie. Click( while Mamma was screaming in the background "hand me that phone!!")

So another e-mail sent off to our Minister of Health ( who never acknowledges our letters). Hopefully week 5 will be his lucky week...Shame Shame Shame!!!!



Thursday, September 19, 2013

Success

  We had our kick at the can and I thought we did very well, considering I got emotional and shed a few tears.
My hubby was spot on with his points,he got down to the nitty gritty of the problem and offered great solutions.

   I also think I did well,Where I lost it was when they started asking questions,I found myself tearing up when talking about my son and his addiction.Add to that... he still is NOT in detox!!                     No beds..&*^% !!

   They ( being the members of the legislative committee) appeared to be attentive.

   I also attended the public meetings where I was equally impressed with the presentations given by many community groups,front line staff, Also Portage Atlantic, A 24 hour treatment facility in a neighboring province, that has beds for our children in their facility, when the Powers that be deem Our children eligible to go!! 

  We can now only wait and see what the results will be.The one common theme that ran through every ones submission's, was the need for seamless treatment.I think they got the point that 5 days in detox is not a treatment plan,if you can get a bed!!!

  The one thing that kept sending shivers up my spine was the word "youth". Meaning my son, who is 25, will not be eligible if they go that route.

Lets hope, that the seamless treatment is open to all ages.
Lets hope, that we see positive changes.
Lets hope, they move quickly.
Lets hope,we lose no more children while waiting.
Lets hope somebody listens and acts.
Lets hope...
 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Meeting Day

Well today is the day.The day we get to voice our concerns,tell our story,suggest changes with the Legislative Assembly.A friend told me just go with my heart,I am scared if I go down that road, I will lose it and flood the room with tears.

We have worked on a speech,hitting on just about everything.Hopefully we will get it all in the 20 mins.I have also printed out some info for them to read.I can only hope we make a difference...

 Apparently my son is going to Detox today,a fitting day to go !
He again expressed his desire to come home for a few weeks after detox.I explained to him he cannot come home, for 2 reasons.

1.It would be a trigger for him,as he always used here,Addicts he knows live only 2 doors away,Dealer lives around the corner.

2.I do not trust him,because of that it would be very stressful for me, thus I would cause stress for him,if he is serious,he does not need me questioning his every move.

Not sure if he bought it, but he dropped the idea!! ( for now)

I love my son


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Delay

 I am not sure he is telling the truth..or lying..Detox called..now it is monday. I am not going to go into great detail but he landed here..wanting money..a place to stay..would not leave..crying..he is going to kill himself..we don't care about him..we are liars when we say we will support him..on & on..Finally after 30 mins of this, My hubby got him out..with the warning next time..police would be called...The end..

Friday, September 13, 2013

Hurricane Gabrielle

 As we deal with the remnants of Gabrielle today,I think, I am also dealing with the stormy conditions in my son's life,By NOT dealing with them.

 He informed me he has a bed at detox on Sunday.I wished him well,Hoped he completed it this time and perhaps enter their outpatient program.Leave his ego at the door and let the Professionals try and help him,since self- help keeps on failing.I think after almost 6 years it is time to change it up a wee bit.

 It is so difficult not to say if you need anything Just call...But we know only to well he has to be the one to embrace recovery.All we can do is sit on the sidelines and offer the kind of support that will benefit him.

  He is in bad shape and the behaviors are all too familiar.Nothing we say at this point computes,It is all about him and how to get that next fix.There is always hope this time he will be successful...yes?

    So batten down the hatches, we are in for a rough ride!!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Big Boy Decisions

 Decision making,Why when he is using , he is always able to make decision's ( Now they are poor ones), But incapable in making those decision's that will keep him clean ? Why does he always know it all ,and refuse to reach out for something different that may help,as the paths he has chosen thus far, in reaching a lengthy recovery have not been successful.What goes on in that brain of his??

 This time he will have to live or die by the decision's he makes.We love him, but he has to love himself more and decide life over death.




Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Here We Go

 I knew in my heart a few weeks ago, that something was up with my son,past behaviors,that were now showing themselves,although subtly at first.The subtle signs increased this past week.This weekend,I couldn't deny them anymore.

 I did not bother to accuse or question him,he knew,I knew! Yesterday, he popped in at lunch when I was outside with the new puppy.Then, I heard him drive away without saying good-bye.Hmmm, I searched out my purse that I had hidden and yes,he stole money.I was so enraged,and sad.He told me was waiting for a bed at detox to help with the withdrawal from the methadone he was kicked off from.Obviously he couldn't wait.

  He risks alot this time as he never fully recovered from losses of his last session with actively using.And the hole gets deeper!!

I can't afford emotionally or monetarily to go down this road again with him.Sensing something was up a few weeks ago I had all the locks changed on the doors.Time to widen the "distance"...I hope and pray he does go to detox before he gets too far down this dark road.
 

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Battle of our Lives

 A very well written Article by Rose Barbour,Another Mother battling for change,Rose actually led the charge in our Province, bringing her son's plight with Addiction out into the open .With this move, she helped many other mothers ,like myself, realize that hiding the problem is NOT going to get us help & treatment for our children!!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Head Games

 It has been a rough few days.I am not sure if it is connected with my near miss on Monday or just fears,doubts or my head playing games with me.

 I am so trying to make that leap to the other side, where I can disconnect with the addiction and actually make it thro one week without dark thoughts entering.I know I am expecting to much,too soon, as I can't make it through one day and I may never.

  
 It is such an emotionally journey...It takes very little to make you feel almost high...and even less to pull you back down.I have got to find that even ground...for myself!! I have always been able to talk to myself,get my mind on other things and climb out,Lately tho it is taking longer and getting harder.

 I find I have no patience or empathy or understanding for my son these days.Which is not me!! And it scares me,I am lashing out more at him.My heart aches so badly..and at the moment I am not sure if it is for him..or me!!

 I hate..hate..hate..pity-party's and that is where I find myself,Swinging the stick and obliterating the pinata!!
I have no patience for self-pity,yet here I am!!



Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Scary Ordeal

  Yesterday afternoon I decided to pop over to the instant teller a few blocks away.It is not in a bank ,but separate teller associated with the bank, but in a strip mall.I am one of those people who is always aware of their surroundings.As I approached the mall I noticed it was extremely void of cars due to it being Labour Day,however there was a Taxi sitting there in his car waiting for a call I assumed.As I carried on I noticed a kid ( probably about 19) cruising down the street on a bike ( a small bike,he looked huge on this bike).
  As I approached the door for the space the ATM is in I just had a chill come over me.The door had hardly closed as I had just reached one of the two ATM's,I heard the door being pushed open again.I looked around and there was the kid on the bike.As POA's we can spot them a mile away,and he was high on something,standing there,watching me,with a cell phone in his hand.A thousand scenario's went thro my mind what was going to happen next.The one sure thing was he was going to attempt to rob me.He was blocking the door,I was frozen in fear.
  Only on our small Island would you see a stack of Avon books placed next to the ATM for customers to take.I sure as hell wasn't going to take out money at this point, so I casually stood there at the instant teller,thumbing the pages the Avon magazine,while watching him on the mirror overhead,as he was watching me.I was praying for another car to pull up,someone else to walk in,anything to diffuse what was about to happen.I did manage to slip my car keys between my fingers to use as weapons If I needed to,I knew the taxi driver was still sitting there about a 100 feet away,I could scream!! A million things were whirling around in my mind,when out of the corner of my eye in the overhead mirror, was a white car pulling up,I was NEVER so relieved in my life.What happened next was unbelievable!!
  The doors of the car opened and out flew 2 police officers,the kid wasn't going anywhere as he was now trapped the same way he had trapped me,the only way out was the door the police were flying in thro!!
They grabbed him and one of the officers was escorting him out he turned to me and said " You stupid Cun#" ( god I HATE THAT WORD), I smiled through my tears and said nope..I am the Mamma of an addict.The other asked me if I was aware I was about to be robbed.Well I really started to cry and said yes,I knew..but I was stalling for time hoping someone would come along..And you did!!
   He explained this same kid had just stolen a wallet from a man at the Tim Horton's behind the mall..They got the call and were leaving to search for him when they spotted the bike and seen him thro the window. My Hero's!!  I am assuming the kid was angry because I did not take out the money,he would have grabbed it,be long gone by now,My fault he was caught!!
   The thoughts of what could have happen shook me to my toes.I managed to somehow make it home.It was there I really lost it.My god that could have been my son!! We see the devastation the drugs do our kids..we know they break the laws to get that next fix..I hope with all my being, he never put another person thro, what I experienced yesterday!!! Someone was looking out for me !!

 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Meet & Greet

  Although the yard sale was a bust...I met alot of nice people !
One in Particular made my day..my week!!
  When my boys were small they were notorious for dragging home stray animals..As they grew and entered elementary school..It started off bringing extra sandwiches to school for the kids who they noticed had nothing to eat.Then my oldest son figured out thro geometry how to fashion a cup out of paper...and packets of kool-aid were added.Clothes were given away,I was requested to knit hats and mitts.Then they graduated to bringing home the kids themselves!!
  I was and am always proud of my sons for seeing this need and stepping up to plate to help out.One in particular stole my heart,his home life really got to me and I was always relieved to see his little face walk in my door.Sometimes he would land at our house late at night because his mom wasn't home and he was scared...or mom had a boyfriend over..and he was scared.I always knew he was safe if he was with us and obviously he did too.Eventually his mom moved out of the area,he changed schools and I never heard or saw this little boy again.
  While fighting off the crowds at the yard sale I decided to go for groceries. As I walked past one of the tables I heard my name being called " Mamma P ".I turned and looked and did not recognize the caller..nor his wife..or 3 kids. He obviously read this on my face and introduced himself.It was him,the boy who disappeared!! Needless to say it made my day.He is now an electrician,his wife a nurse and the proud papa of 3 wee ones.As he went down memory lane with his wife, telling her all the time he spent at this house, I noticed someone else had disappeared. I learned his mamma was a drug addict..Explains his situation at the time.Although coming from a rough upbringing he rose above it and is doing well...very well!! He also told me he ran into my son a few months ago,not in good shape...and offered to help him,he refused.I now knew why the disappearing act.He gave me his number...he is also a member of NA and offered to be my son's sponsor if he made that step to recovery...This was a good kinda Karma :)

P.S..Dr.Spock did not sell..He is now in the garbage!!




 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Yard Sale

  After thinking about it I have agreed to let my son & girlfriend have their Yard Sale at our home,for purely selfish reasons,clean out my own house!! I am going to look at it as, a kind therapy..ridding myself of people...no no..things in my life I no longer want..or need!! A Cleansing !!

  Hubby was asked to make up a budget for my son...by, my son..wow !! Perhaps a start in becoming a responsible adult???
I am going to continue thinking on these positive train of thoughts..despite that little dark voice deep inside that keeps whispering "your setting yourself up." Shhhhhhhhh... It is still way to early in his recovery to silence that voice...I'm not sure If I ever will...sad...but True!

  I have come along way in my own recovery..Will I ever be healed fully..I doubt it..There are some images I do not think I will ever get out of my head..I may be able to put them up high on a  shelf...But if I look Wayyyyyyy Up..They are still there. I am however working on my own happiness...health...healing... peace. I am not a high maintenance gal,Simple things in life make me happy.                                                         The one thing for me, that made such a difference was knowing I was not alone.Making that initial step to reach out for help to another Mamma was my lifesaver!!                                                                                 Starting this blog was the second step...Not so much in what I write, but it opened a whole new direction of learning by reading other Parents blogs!!  Reinforcing even further, that parents from all over the world, in agonizing high numbers, are enduring this Journey with  me.
  I have learned there is no guidebook for addiction..there are however certain No's No's that do work..Others vary with the circumstance you find yourself in...Knowing your own child before this monster stole them away,eg: did have they other issues before addiction,Mental..intellectual...physical...emotional illnesses.What works for one parent...may not work for you...Trial and error..No different than your own child's Journey...What treatment works for one...Does not always work for another. If the plan doesn't work..Change the plan..But never give up hope..And never..never..think you are alone!!!

Anyone want to buy a well used..outdated version Of Doctor Spock's Baby Book on how to raise A well adjusted Baby to Adult hood!!!!