Friday, February 28, 2014

Happy Birthday Momma

Not me..My Momma..Who addiction stole from us way to young.

She Struggled as long as I can remember with Opiates..She was a petite woman who could consume 40+ pills a day..And a packet of anti-nausea pills to keep them down..She got them over the counter at that technology to track her purchases like there is today..she would send us kids to the pharmacy with a note and 10 dollars to make her purchase..In hindsight I guess we were her runners & the pharmacy.. her Dealer.

As I got older and realized how wrong this was and what this "habit" was doing to us..I refused and begged her to get help..she did..The treatment..." Acupuncture in her ears".."A wag of finger from the family Doc"..That was it. No One talked about it..

It was no secret..everyone could you not.. as you watched her stagger..nod off..slurr her words..hallucinate..sleep.. Raid their medicine cabinets..steal from their piggy banks but no one talked about..No One !! Three OD's..NO ONE talked about it !

Phone calls from her work..come pick her up..she had the flu..And I would literally have to" pick her up" and carry her to the car..because she helped herself..or was given pills from the med Cart..And NO ONE talked about it.

She never reached any kind of recovery..She reached Death first..her organs finally could not sustain the daily doses of opiates...and slowly began to shut down..I saw the lab reports..everyone knew the cause..and NO One talked about her..or to us.

Addiction robbed 3 kids of their mother..slowly & silently..Parents of their youngest daughter..brothers of their baby sister..To this Day..No one talks about what killed her..But I did...

I talked to MY son's about it..How it affected our Family..How it robbed them of their grandmother..Who they loved so much..She was so loved..In lucid times she was a wonderful Mother..grand mother..daughter..sister..but those times were to few..She was a Caregiver..who could not care for herself..Addiction robbed her of many things...And finally her Life.

I missed  her when she was alive..and I still miss her today ...

Happy Birthday Momma.. Love Ya...xoxoxo

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I Simply Asked

After a week of wondering if he using again and all the inner turmoil,questions,fears and silent innuendo's I decided to simply,calmly ask...
Are you in Trouble ?
 Son : No..I have had a few slips..I won't lie..The cravings sometimes are horrendous..and I gave in..BUT..I remember you saying to me the day I came out of detox.."Never forget where you came from..You don't ever want to go back..We never want you to go back"..And I got back on track.

"I" have done things differently this time.Given his recovery over to him..and taken control over my own. I could have saved myself a week of hell by asking him that simple question earlier..but I wanted him to own it..Well he did..But I forgot to remind myself, "I" was still his Mamma.So Mamma did what Mamma's do and asked ! And I got an honest answer..a first..a sign..a good step in the right direction.

When he was younger and the ADHD would get to the point he was literally hanging from the chandeliers, I would take him him out for a walk..a run..a swim..a skate..anything to eat up that extra energy..So I encouraged him yesterday to get a gym membership..just a 3 month have a place to go to eat up those things out..take his anger..frustrations..feelings..cravings..out on the equipment. He may meet new healthy friends..he may get back in shape physically..We will see..

But for today my gut has settled..simply by asking..we become so hardened by all the lies and manipulation we have lived with through this battle of their
Addiction..we get conditioned that everything they say is a lie..I asked..I actually got an honest answer..xoxo

Monday, February 24, 2014

Signs Of The Times

As I still continue to wrestle with my gut,I was thinking back on signs we missed..and signs that were in our face and could easily be explained & believed by lies & manipulation.If, as a parent you see any of these signs..keep vigilant..keep talking to your child..get help!! It can escalate very quickly!!
1. Neglected appearance/hygiene..This never happened to our son until he was in deep deep trouble..He was always neat in appearance..a fanatic about cleanliness..So much so we couldn't keep Q-tips in the house..That would be a Big Q-tips!! Used for filters when cooking their choice of opiate on a spoon to prevent pieces from clogging the syringe.
2.Violent outbursts at home..This was nothing new to us..the ADHD brings & brought these episodes on at home when he was frustrated..overwhelmed..
3. Frequent use of Eye drops
4. Drug Paraphernalia ...As parents we can be a bit slow at this identification, with the ones that are not so obvious..straws..who doesn't have straws in their house..but you find them everywhere..cut in half..Same goes for pens..with the guts missing..household items used for snorting their drugs..Q-tip frenzy..Spoon loss..this took on a life of it's own in our house As the good silver ones disappeared know the ones in a chest..never used..until one day I decided to set a fancy table with my bestest china and silverware..minus 36 spoons..12 of each size..HELLO!!!
5. Skin abrasions..usually on their face..but again can be easily explained away by your Child
6. Hostility towards family members..Jekyll & Hyde behavior..Again something we were used to and easily explained away by the ADHD
7.Glossy eyes                                                                                           8.Valuables a fellow blogger stated so eloquently " An Alcoholic may steal your purse but an Addict will steal it and help you look for it!! That is more powerful than you think..because it is so true..just speaks to the cunningness of this disease!!
9. Possessing unexplained valuables...easily explained..I borrowed it from Johnny.
10. Stealing/borrowing money
11.Change in friends
12. Depression
13. Withdrawal
14.Reckless Behavior
15. Defiles Family Values..Our son still possessed all the family values he was taught..he would quote them when talking about someone else whose behavior was void of them..they just did not apply to him anymore!!
16. Disrespectful to parents
17. Lying/Deception
18. Sneaky behavior
19. Disregards Consequences
20. Loss of Interest in healthy activities
21. Verbally abusive
22. Manipulative/Self-Centered..There is no more family..just getting what they want to get that next fix..and it can be relentless until they get what they want!!
23. Lack of Motivation
24.My hubby just reminded of this one,  had us baffled for awhile..the perfect circle indentation on all his in the middle of all his popped it was used for hammering a nail..and the head of nail remained indented on the card...Nope..that would be the impression left when the card was used for crushing the pill.
 One of these signs alone does not an addict make..But when you combine a few..a half a dozen..a dozen..Your in BIG trouble..Try talking to them first..sometimes..they know they are in trouble..and are relieved the secret is out..and alot of times it is too late and denial denial denial..Time for YOU to get help..reach about it..see a professional..your family doctor..but do not keep this secret inside thinking it will go away..It won't..Don't keep it a secret because you are scared of what others will think..Addiction thrives on secrecy !! You will lose members..but the mission here is to save your child!! Not your family's reputation..It can & has happened to anyone!! Educate yourself on addiction..join support parents going through the same..No Parent should have to live through this nightmare..alone.Do Not enable your Addict..this takes time to perfect..don't be too hard on yourself if you slip..But don't do anything for them they cant do for themselves..But do Advocate for have to remember their brains stopped growing when that first high handcuffed them..They may be 20..24..26..but mentally they are still 16..17..18..Give them support & love..but do not give in to the Addiction..It is difficult to find proper help for them..what works for one..does not work for everyone.Fell free to add any signs that applied to your situation..each journey is unique , as it is Horrific.

None of these signs are evident at the moment in our house..but my Gut is still churning overtime!! xoxo 

Saturday, February 22, 2014


The whispers have gut whispering to my heart whispering to my gut..whisper..whisper whisper..

I am not liking what I am seeing this last week. Just a lot of little subtle actions,words,nothing tangible..but this gut feeling has never been so active...It can quickly escalate to a full blown in your face reality!!

It is his recovery,I will not retrace my own steps.I am putting it squarely where it belongs..His recovery..Or fall.
I hope...and I pray..and I scream, I am wrong..But that whispering...Pssssst Mamma

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Mind Your Head

I am sharing a blog post today, penned by the daughter of a friend of mine.
Many times Addiction & Mental Health issues are very closely inter-mingled.
Alice shares with us her Journey with Depression.

Mind Your Head

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

You Don't do That Here ??

Well my son asked for the Peak & Trough test ?
Answer: Sorry we don't do that here???
Hmmm they don't do a simple blood test to determine the rate the methadone is long it lasts..which determines whether the addict is actually telling the truth and is struggling...or is lying and just wants a higher dose to get a buzz. I would think instead of accusing they are seeking the later,( A Buzz)...they would want to offer the best course of treatment which suits each individual.After all each person is different..thus course of treatment must be different..One size does not fit all.

I have found the only way to get anything in regards to treatment you must fight for it..

So, he is making an appointment to have it done with a GP..Good for him !! Another step in the right direction.Taking control of his own recovery.At least by having this done it will prove or disprove that his higher metabolism burns off the methadone at a faster rate..thus it is not lasting 12 hours..thus his cravings come screaming back earlier & last for a much longer duration. A split dose would solve this problem the experts tell me.Nothing is easy when it comes to addiction. He is,I am proud to say,battling through it..still in day at a time..xo

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Treatment Of Different Kind

I received another interesting e-mail last night.Not from another parent..But from another Mamma's son.He was one of the many that came across my blog for the first time yesterday on a blog roll.He wished to share his story with give me educate the share with me the sorry state of affairs our province is in regarding treatment for addictions..I asked if I could share his story..anonymously..he agreed..he thought it may open a few eyes..

He comes from a single parent family..much loved..has younger mental health issues...average student when attending school..His writing was quite articulate!!

How he started was not important he said ( he said he has to own
that part)..But once he started it was all downhill..He had been in & out of detox at the least 10 times!! Each time the only further treatment offered was a sober living facility( most times he said it was a 6 month wait after detox)Put his name on the methadone waiting list(  at times it was a 12 month wait ).He had support from home & family..he wanted help!! He was a IV drug user for his last 4 years using...he knew if he didn't stop..he was going to die..But he couldn't..that physical addiction was more powerful without Real help!! He needed support after detox..immediately after..not 3 months later..not 6 months later..Immediately after.

As he reached his 30th birthday he decided if he didn't get clean soon he wasn't going to reach number 31.
He was desperate..So he decided his best course of action was to use what was available to him..The plan was as follows:
Get into detox..he knew he would not last more than week without the drugs..or further treatment.
3 days after getting out detox he committed a few petty crimes..praying he would get caught..he did
He used his time incarcerated to complete any withdrawal..he was isolated..could not get drugs..time to think.
Ironically while on the streets he could not qualify for social assistance..but in Jail they come to you.. offering  Social assistance when you leave..It was his chance to stay clean..get on the methadone program..get off the streets..get a second chance at life..He made it :) 4 years in recovery..the downside of this method..he now has a criminal record which affects him each & every time he looks for a job..attempts to travel..Etc..But he said he is alive..and in recovery.

He was sharing his story to address my post on paying for crimes when our children break the law when actively using..maybe for is being done as a cry for help...a means of being able to get off the streets to actually get clean!!!! To show how lacking our system is in treatment!!! I am so proud of I am sure his family is :) In his case.. the means justified the end.

No one should have to go these means to receive treatment of any kind..Shame Shame Shame!!


Thursday, February 13, 2014

I Am MammaP

The last 2 days my blog has exploded in hits ...The power of person shares..and so on..Many I am sure are one hit wonders..that's ok..hopefully they had read one of my posts and seen another side of addiction.

Let me Introduce myself for those visiting for the first time:

I am MammaP..For those that wrote me anonymously asking why I do not have the courage to use my own name..let me explain..I am not hiding..ashamed..It is for protection of my give him some dignity..I am A POA( Parent Of an Addict)..Not A POW ( although at times I feel like one)

I started this blog for my own therapy in  dealing with my son's addiction..I am not a writer..never going to win a Best Blogger Award..But if I can change one persons view on addiction..It will be my Pulitzer!!

If I can help another parent realize they are not alone..My day will be made.

If I can convert one person to believing that addicts are NOT the scum of the earth.. That they have a legit disease...that if left untreated..will lead to death..It is worth it.

If I can help in a small way educate the public that "Good Parents" can have an addict in their Family...They did not raise an addict..a petty criminal..It wasn't our wish when our son was born to have him grow up to have this horrendous Disease..And it wasn't his dream either...I hate Addiction!!! But I don't hate my son..I love him..and he knows it!!

If I can continue to heal myself..become more educated..speak for those in the throes of their disease with compassion and Empathy..I heal a little more..I wish no parent to ever have to go this!!

If I can make one person understand that my son is in the fight of his life..Like your son with Diabetes..Or your daughter battling Asthma. and Maybe yours living with Crohns..The one difference is..Yours is getting treated.. Immediately..Mine doesn't..he is called all kinds of nasty names..he just needs to quit..his parents are to blame..He needs to be locked up..No my friends..HE NEEDS TREATMENT..Not a band aid..Not a revolving door of in & out..Should he have to pay for his crimes he commits when actively using...Of Course he does..Every Parent's vacation from Addiction is when they are in Jail..warm..fed..clean..But if he doesn't get the treatment his needs & deserves..It is all for nothing..Quite simply..He Dies!!

So If my blog gets one person talking about addiction..Standing beside us in fighting for treatment for our children..our brothers..sisters..mothers..speaks out..Then my blog is a success..

Love MammaP xo

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear Mr. Sheridan

Our Finance Minister would like the public's input regarding where to spend his budget money more efficiently.
Well, Me thinks, Addiction Treatment !! Wouldn't that be a better bang for his buck than the 140,000 they announced yesterday to bring back B.I.N.G.O !!!!

Just imagine the savings alone in corrections..The last figures I could find, it costs $200 per day to house inmates..Our Correctional Center is overflowing with inmates battling addiction..housed in protective custody for mostly petty crimes..would that money not be better spent on more sober living facilities..more detox beds..A Real Treatment Center..??..If they put that 200.00 a day into Addictions..he might have enough left over from the savings on housing in Care..The Judicial system..  to pay for his B.I.N.G.O.

Feel Free to let Mr.Sheridan know where you would like to see the taxpayers money spent at the following link: Under The B..
Budget suggestions 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A Chance Encounter

Of a different kind. Not the romantic kind,although I was purchasing Valentine goodies for my grandchildren.

 While waiting in line to was a long one..A conversation started among those waiting..A topic very fresh in the minds of Islanders..The Big Drug I listened as each one gave their views..each time cringing as the adjectives used were nothing short of ignorance and would have been deleted had they been on TV..I was disgusted & hurt that my fellow Islanders..always known for our friendliness & kindness had turned into this crowd of haters..

 My eyes met with a woman in the aisle over..I could see they were filling up..I knew she was a Mamma like myself..whose life had been touched by addiction.

 So..Much to my Hubby's surprise..I spoke up..more loudly then I intended..Well Guys..My son has addiction issues..Thanks for sharing your thoughts on his disease..How worthless he is..without even knowing him..My hubby & I truly appreciated you sharing with us faces..then a voice so meek & mild from the next aisle..the woman I met eyes with..I lost my daughter 3 years ago to addiction..she wasn't who you portrayed her to be..she took her purchase and left..No more needed to be said..Hopefully it gave them something to think about..maybe learn about..maybe..Maybe..MAYBE..stand beside us in fighting for better treatment ??? Hey a Girl can Dream..xo

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Peak & Trough

Sounds like something that comes from a farm..But it isn't..It is a blood test..That apparently should be done in EVERY Methadone clinic to determine if someone needs an increase in their just looking for a high.

I have been researching alot lately about Methadone because my son is struggling..And I have accused him of using as he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms ( I'm Human ).I have always thought I was fair before accusing anyone of anything..I have to see the proof before I speak...Not the case with does not follow the rules...I see ..therefore I believe..What you see with not always what is going you better do your research!!

I reached out to an Addiction Specialist in the US for some guidance..She reached back..Don't worry I did my homework first..she is Legit..well respected..knowledgeable in the field..has published books.. wrote papers..runs her own Methadone minimal cost I might add.I am forever grateful to her..Our Addiction Specialist has left..therefore we have none.

So what have I learned from her is..My son may be one of a small..but no so small number that has a fast metabolism..given the fact he also has ADHD strengthens that fact..therefore the effects of the methadone peaks much sooner..the reaches a trough..thus it lasts nowhere near the 12 hours it is supposed to..Thus the P&T blood test..that tells the story.

If in fact this is the problem..the solution is a split dose of higher doses...most with this problem,when following the split dose do much better !!

If in fact if you have read any of my previous posts on methadone..I am always feeling very fearful about the long term effects of this route..But the more research I do..The more I am coming to the conclusion it is his greatest hope for long term recovery..and that's what we want for our children..That's what they want!!

I will share what I have learned with him..ask him to bring it up at his next Doctors visit..see what happens.
If Mamma has to go Advocate for him..Then I will..but let's hope they can at least listen to the simple blood test..and go from there...xoxo

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Dust Pan

Just a few thoughts & observations on " Clean Sweep" and those that were caught in the dust pan.
  • No youths under 18 were arrested...Maybe the education,treatment for addiction is helping that group..after all there are more services available for the it better than those for the over 24 group,which is grossly inadequate!!
  • 6 were in the 24 & under
  • A whopping 34 were over 24 and covered the 30',40's,50's & yep 60's..Sad!!
  • In fairness this operation was to set-up to get the major dealers,suppliers etc..I am sure..actually positive, that many selling on a daily basis,on a small scale to feed their own addiction were not caught this time..They aren't selling to fill their pockets..Just fill their syringes.
  • Alot of drugs were taken off the street that day..Today I am sure it is replenished & those caught..replaced.
  • I hope this bust opened a few eyes..You cannot for years abuse drugs..go into detox..wait..wait ..wait..for the next phase of your treatment..oh wait..there is no next phase..we have no long term rehab..and expect them to reach any resemblance of recovery!! Many more are reaching "Death" before the reach recovery..and we "ALL" know why!!
  • We have to keeping Talking Openly and Loudly for those with addictions !! 
  • Just my humble opinion of a Mamma whose 26 yr old is battling addiction as the Mental Health & Addiction system  has let him down due to very limited treatment !!
In closing..If one more "Professional" tells me Addiction is a very complex disease( seems to be the buzz word when they can't answer your questions) I am going to Scream..Tell me about it..xo

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Heart To Heart

 I remember early on in my blog someone had commented that a Heart to Heart with Mamma is always beneficial.I thought it was time,and perhaps this far in his recovery he may actually be able to have a True Heart to Heart.
 I was Curious about his thoughts on what actually got him started on this Road.I knew he had a good Home....Lots of love...lots of extended family.. friends.....privileges.. responsibility..consequence's..But he also had ADHD..and of course Genetics..
 He felt the ADHD played a part..He was honest in saying in school he tried Marijuana..But when you have ADHD the effect is the opposite of what most wasn't the calming feel good effect..that his friends he was not drawn to it..Kinda like Ritalin gives others a high..for him..It offers a calm to concentrate..etc.slows his body & brain down. So he drank..It changed his personality..but not in a good way..made him aggressive..constantly into fights..It wasn't until he had surgery 6 years ago that he actually felt a good high...the percocets..and that little stop sign that most of us have neglected to wave & warn him...This may not be a good thing...It was the start of his downhill...from popping snorting..smoking..and finally to needles..and it was no longer had to be a bigger high..a more potent drug to achieve..more money..and less & less control..till it & he was totally out of control...

 I just let him talk.. I listened..offered no motherly advice..he didn't need it..he knows..he suffers from addiction..he knows how it has affected his family..His self esteem..his relationships.. His Health..The difference is the Addict doesn't doesn't care..But My son Does..and this is why I can never give up on him..never give up hope..He is in there..and is slowly emerging back to my day at a time..xoxox