Thursday, December 11, 2014

Nightmare Before Christmas

It's been awhile since I have updated.Tis the season.

I use to Love this time of Year..not so much anymore..I have made a conscious effort this year to get back into the spirit of Christmas.My son remains in his version of recovery..I in mine..It is a hard time of the year for family's who have been visited by addiction..the gift that keeps on giving..and giving ..and giving..My son has been given the gift of recovery..for today..I hope he doesn't return it ! There were many Christmas's without him at the Family dinner table..Gifts unopened..a constant reminder he was wrapped up in his addiction..minus a pretty bow.

Twas The Nightmare Before Christmas

And all through Our home,
Every creature was stirring,
And out on the run..
Searching the streets for our missing son.

No visions of sugar-plums,
Dancing in our heads..
But visions of fear,
We'd find our son dead.                                                                                                                       

 Now Go Percs,Morphine,
 Oxy, and Crack..
 Dash away..Dash Away
 And don't come Back !

Then came a noise
A red flashing light
We peeked out the window
Frozen with fright

There on the street,
Lay a Red Santa's hat,
My son on a stretcher,
I jumped in the back!

Then in a twinkling,
Full Speed ahead
I thought of the Christmas's
He was snuggled in bed.

The doctors were there,
All dressed in their greens,
Nurses were flying..
It was quite a scene !

He was skinny and gaunt
No resemblance of an Elf
He was blue..no pulse
Just a shell of himself.

As I clenched that Santa Hat
Close to my heart
I prayed for a miracle
As they grabbed for the crash cart.

They spoke not a word
Went straight to work
His body straightened and started to jerk..
The doc laid his hand on my shoulder
and said..
He's back,we saved him..go home to bed.

I sprang to his side,
Whispering in his ear,
Merry Christmas sweet man..
His lips moved , in a weak voice he moaned.
Merry Christmas Mamma..I almost made it home.

Merry Christmas to all..To all a good night..
MammaP..xoxo
 

















Sunday, November 9, 2014

Support For The Reach Center

Your Support would be greatly appreciated next weekend for The Reach Center.They will be participating in the Blowout Sale at the Civic Center .You will see them running the canteen..At the Reach Booth..where they will be selling Items the youth have worked on such as T-Shirts..Birdhouses..Christmas Kits for Home Decorating..I also heard there will be FUDGE!!...I can't forget Onesies..for all ages..And a few more area's.


This Center is a labour of love..Started by 3 mother's..They need the support of the community to continue to help our youth..To help them get back on their feet..into university..college..working..while receiving much needed support from the staff and each other.It is unique..and it is working!!

It is also where the Family Support Group meets each Tuesday night.


These Women need our support..Our Youth Need our support.This is a Great example of the community stepping up ...to do what they can, in helping with epidemic of opioid addiction on our Island.Who says we Parents..the community.. aren't doing our part..Let's pay it forward in giving them our support and Love..After all we are more than an Addiction Community..We are A Family..xoxo

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Terrorist ?

I am no political analyst.. Journalist..member of the FBI..However.. Wednesday's Tragedy on Parliment Hill was NOT a terrorist attack on our Country !!

I have to stay away from the comments sections of news Articles..They put my blood pressure up to dangerous levels. In my quest for information on what was happening in Ottawa..concern for my fellow Canadians and family members..friends who live in Our Nations Capitol..Heartbroken for the young Soldier,who was killed,his family..It led me down many newspaper articles.

Then  a picture popped up of the shooter's mother..Her words broke my heart..Expressing her sympathy to the families..

“Hi, I am writing this note on behalf of my husband and myself.
No words can express the sadness we are feeling at this time. We are so sad that a man lost his life. He has lost everything and he leaves behind a family that must feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
We send our deepest condolences to them although words seem pretty useless. We are both crying for them.
We also wish to apologize for all the pain, fright and chaos he created.
We have no explanation to offer. I am mad at our son, I don’t understand and part of me wants to hate him at this time.
You write that our son was vulnerable, we don’t know, we (he) was lost and did not fit in.
I his mother spoke with him last week over lunch, I had not seen him for over five years before that. So I have very little insight to offer.
We don’t wish to be part of any media circus, we don’t think it will add anything to the conversation. Please respect our privacy although many may not feel we deserve any …
Once again we are so sorry.

The comments section was flooded with hate..before anyone knew the details on exactly who her son was..before... he became the "Terrorist "..The common theme for many..blame the parents..blame our immigration system..Blame everyone..except the shameful changes made to our health care and social system..systemically being destroyed to save money..If you want to place blame..we all need to look inwardly..outwardly..That we would allow this attack on our Health Care system to happen!!

I try very hard never to make a decision..form an opinion.. until I do my homework first..So I began..Who was this terrorist ?

  • He was a Canadian..32 yrs old
  • Born in Quebec
  • A good student
  • After high school began his journey with addiction..with the justice system.
  • Begged a judge to send him to prison to get help for his disease after a failed Robbery..he was released !
  • Mental health assessment stated crack cocaine was his drug of choice..He had addiction issues, Bi-Polar..No real mental health issues...hmmm
  • Had no contact with his family for 5 years..until 2 weeks ago,he had lunch with his mother.
  • Lived all over Canada,,mainly in homeless shelters
  • Converted to Islam a few years ago
  • Applied for a passport to travel to Syria
  • Had made Contacts with radical groups via the internet

This was a sick young man..diagnosed with bi-polar at one point..Disease of addiction..who reached out for help..and did not receive it!! His mother is not to blame..The mentally ill have all the rights in our Country..We as parents Can NOT ask..sign in..request..beg..to have our sick adult children be institutionalized to get the help they need..for their safety..and ours..This right was taken away years ago..with nothing put in place as an alternative..oh yes..a mental health assessment..in my experiences involves a half hour interview in the ER!

We do not treat Addiction in this Country as the Mental Health issue it is..instead we incarcerate in jails.

Things need to change..our laws..acts.. policies..have to be re- addressed ..addiction and mental health need to be treated properly..not ignored..Put our greatly wasted tax-payers money where it belongs..our healthcare system is failing us.

My heartfelt sympathy..prayers go out to the family of the young man, Corporal Nathan Cirillo who was killed..Guarding the grave of the Unknown Soldier..With pride in his chosen profession of keeping our Country safe !










 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

United We C.A.N.

It is truly the first online group I felt I belonged in!

Please Please ask me why???

It is all about Change!!
  • Changing the way we look and Treat Addiction.
  • A union of compassionate,empathic,educated people who realize, in order to help our loved ones, we must change.
  • Come together..Building..A simple concept..Instead of tearing down!
  • A merging of every program,treatment,belief that used to stand alone .Each proclaiming their way was the best..and only path to recovery!
  • Embracing each other..Celebrating the triumphs..Respecting our differences,yet seeing the common goal for all, is saving our loved ones..no matter the path!!
  • Families..Love that they stress how important our role truly is! How working on our own recovery is not only paramount..but impacts the recovery of our loved ones..no matter the path we take!
  • Changing the stigma associated with vile words, such as Junkie..Addict..New Buzz Word..SUD!! Substance Use Disorder/Disease..Much kinder..Changing the way our loved ones look at themselves!! Not as Junkies..hopeless addicts..scum..Dam I hate those words!! perhaps changing the way others..the public... views addiction..there is power in them there words Mamma...
We are in neck deep in the biggest drug epidemic of all times...Something has to change..This is change..Positive Empowering Change..xoxo

United We C.A.N.
Change Addiction Now!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

So How's It Workin For Ya?

This is the question most people ask me lately through my blog and e-mails.

How's it workin for ya ?

I am assuming they mean my stand against Tough Love...Instead..
going with Mamma's Love !

Welllll..It is going just fine..Thank-you very much !!

If you have followed my blog then you know how I struggled with let go..let god, Tough Love approach.

Instead I concentrated on Mamma..getting myself healthy..working on my own recovery..still advocating for my son..giving him support ( not money)..not enabling..keeping the rules and boundary's in place..and letting him suffer the natural consequences of his actions.

Guess what..AS I got better..So did he !

It was dam hard work..But a Mamma's got to do..what she's gotta do..and I did it..for myself !
There was noway in hell, I could do any of the above things for my son..If I wasn't well myself..I was an empty shell ..I was in a very dark place..and by reaching out for help..mainly to another mother..and people in recovery.. researching like a crazy woman..Questioning.. the sometimes archaic advice I was reading( and given) ..Going with the scientific based evidence..Staying firm to my belief that Addiction is indeed a disease.. I found light..and got my life back.Consequently, I got my son my back..for today !!

I learned to separate the Substance User from my son...I refuse to feed the vile..manipulative..disease of Addiction..But I will always love my son.I will always give him hope,encouragement,lots of love..and always..always..Fight for him..and others.

The one common theme I have heard from every person I have met in recovery is.." If my Family had given up on me...given up hope..refused to speak to me..completely disowned me..I would have died.

I am in no way saying my approach works for everyone..It wouldn't..I would not be able to keep him home if I had younger children..If I had not had the support of my hubby...If I was raising his children..and many other scenario's I am sure....I can only say..It's workin..for me..for him..I am not naive enough to think he has this licked..It is a disease of relapse and recovery..But Today he is 6 months in recovery..a full time Job..And just bought a car..He has plans for the future..He works his program..I work Mine.

I would say to every parent..grandparent.. son..daughter..brother..sister..Lover..Get yourself Healthy.. Heal...Start on your own recovery plan..You deserve it!!! Even if your loved one is not in recovery..you will be in a much better place to deal with this disease...Love & Light..xoxo


Monday, September 29, 2014

Grama's House

I received a lovely e-mail this morning from another mother whose daughter is struggling with opiate Addiction.It was full of positivity..hope.She just wanted to drop me a line to tell me she enjoyed my blog and how much it helps her understand better her daughters Addiction...That she is not alone..that she has a place she belongs...I was humbled...

BUT


It is her story that is inspiring..and sad..and the reality of more and more women and men.It brings to mind the Quote " Be Kind..Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about."

She is also a grandmother..of 3 beautiful grandchildren..that yes..she is raising !

She has given me permission to share a bit of her story..not because she wants sympathy..because she wants you to know ,she is doing her part in the fight with the monster Addiction.You will not see her at the Rally's,The support group meetings..But she is there in spirit.

She was the " Sandwich Generation"..Raising her own children ( she has 6 children..all have left the nest).. while providing care and love to her aging parents as their journey on this earth,came to an end.

She is now part of what Stats Canada calls " "skip-generation households." There are more and more of these households as this epidemic rises.She Said" I could not turn those kids away..or allow them to placed in foster care ,I believe my daughter is sick..and could die from her disease..No different than any other chronic disease that the public views as respectable..such as Cancer..or MS." "I want to do this..for her..for my grandchildren."

She is cheer leading the efforts being taken to change the system.. to get adequate timely treatment ..from the sidelines..But she wanted me know she's there..with us..every step of the way!!

She is my hero..She and others like her..who are sacrificing,what should be the their golden years..to do their part in the Dance with the Devil !

She told me.." I get no aid from social services..They have offered to help if I quit my job ( she has 33 years in and 2 years left for a full pension and benefits)..Quitting my job is not an option..So no help.

I hope and I hope some more..her daughter finds her way to recovery...xoxo
Thank-you for reaching out to me..You give me strength to carry on the fight..Please know you will always be in my thoughts and prayers..Hugggggs




Wednesday, September 24, 2014

O

 is for Opiod

A Pill so powerful your hooked in days...
People continue not to understand the potency of this drug..
This is not the pot and hashish of days gone by..
Where a walk to the 12 step rooms..brings you into the open arms of recovery.

Theses pills attach themselves to the brains receptor's.
They refuse to let go..
For years... into the path of  a recovery..
Holding those caught in the grip of their disease hostage.
Horrendous craving's..physical symptoms causing great pain.
Death

The Recipients of this disease are as much distraught as the public..
They don't want to live like this..ruining lives..families..
They reach out..they give it all they got..
But O is the gift that keeps on giving..

They try again..a different path this time..
And again O..reaches out..
And thus the legacy of this little pill lives on...forever
or dies with the recipient..

When you have the world's best known Center's for Addiction..The Betty Ford and Hazelden( which have merged )..Now offering 3 paths to recovery..including..MEDICATION..such as methadone and suboxone..It speaks Volumes about the problem we have in our Country!!

For God's sake..For our Loved ones sake..be part of the solution..support..advocate..for better treatment..Not Judge..xo






Saturday, September 13, 2014

The Eyes Of Addiction

While out for a walk today..I'm aging myself now.. The song, "Betty Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes, starting blaring in my ears, through my Ipod..

For some reason it brought back visions of my son's eyes... when he was in active addiction.

It wasn't the redness, the pupils larger or smaller than usual ,or even the times I had seen nothing... but the whites as they rolled back into the sockets.

It was the emptiness... The Darkness...The same emptiness I have seen many times with people who are dying..they're still breathing, but they are gone..the life has left.

Addiction steals their souls and sucks the life right out of them..They are void of any feeling..even the basic needs of life have been stolen..food,shelter, clothing.

What an Evil..Vile.. Disease Addiction is !!

I remember the fear that erupted in me.. when I would look in them..And the pleasure I feel now.. to see the sparkle back..the light..the life...xoxo




Friday, September 12, 2014

HELP ?

I have so many holes in my tongue from biting it...I am thankful I have this blog to heal it!!

Finally yesterday we get word from Dr.Matters on her report( Mental Health & Addiction) ,that we have all been, eagerly awaiting, for over a year now .

Well Folks here it is..in a nutshell.


  • Dismantle the Strength program for 7 youth,Add 5 beds..announce a" New" 1 Million Dollar 12 bed long term addiction treatment center for youth.Nothing more than a slight of  hand magic trick... to make things disappear and reappear as something new


  •  A New 12 bed Long Term Mental Health Treatment Center for Youth.Closing out the 4 bed unit at the hospital..add them to the New 8 beds. Another 1 Million Dollars
Total : Lucky 13..13 new beds for Addiction & Mental Health... for the thousands suffering with these diseases on our Island.

 WTF!!!!!!!!!!  

Now remember... these Facilities are still awaiting final approval and when approved will take a year to implement !

Did anyone notice ( I know you all did)..There was no announcement regarding anything..diddly squat.... for those OVER 24 !!!!!

I know we live in a disposable society..Hard to believe this also includes lives..The lives of those who have been struggling for YEARS with little to no help..except crumbs..or Jail..or death..It certainly gives them hope !! I know they would Thank-You ...from the bottom of their broken,diseased hearts !!!

I Thank-You...My son Thanks You.. For NOTHING..xoxox








Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Mamma's Mustard Pickle

This was a spontaneous conversation... my son initiated with me yesterday, over a pot of bubbling,aromatic, soon to be, scrumptious mustard pickles !

Have you ever been so afraid it made you sick Mamma? Hmmmm..Lucky I was stirring that pot or that wooden spoon might have accidentally hit him !!

Yes I have..And you ? 
 
Yes, I'm afraid that I have ruined my life and I'm scared It will never be the same again.

Keep stirring the pickles Mamma...
                                                                                                                                                            Well Babe... it won't ever be same..It can be better!
As long as you don't feed the fears...Just keep looking ahead..no looking back !

As we sat down later to enjoy the first taste of this seasons batch I started to giggle...

I shared with him a question I read on site somewhere ( sorry I can't remember where) The question was asked in reference to people in recovery.Can a pickle ever evolve back into a cucumber ?

Maybe not..But that cucumber,with all the right ingredients..patience and hard work..Constant stirring with the wooden spoon..Can be the best damn mustard pickle !!!

Eat up and enjoy,
My Sweet Mustard Pickle...xoxo



Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Just Show up

I must start this off by sharing with you all the story of yet another amazing young man in recovery.His name is Chris Cull..You may not recognize the name yet..BUT you will !! He just wrapped a 4 month Journey across our vast Country, On his Bicycle, to bring awareness To the disease of Addiction and the effects of Prescription Drug abuse,All the time filming his Journey,Meeting with families,Listening to specialists, Researching,Sharing his story of recovery,Listening to stories of others in recovery,Giving hope to those still in the grips of this horrendous disease !!

I got a chance to meet..and listen to his story last night at an event held on our gentle Island..He brought tears to my eyes.You can read about Chris here on his Facebook page, Inspire . See where he has been...what he has done..and where he goes from here in his Journey, and his work on his Film, he hopes to release,telling his story.

Now I am going to rant!!

Although the organizers of this event ( parents) had a very short time to plan and get the word out..They accomplished it masterfully and  the word was well spread.“There was a passionate group of people who attended, but I would have expected the place to be bursting at the seams considering the extent of the problem on PEI. I shouldn’t be surprised as Addiction remains a dirty little secretstigmatized and shamed…Keeping many silent..and invisible”.

Yet..and here she goes !!!!!!!!!! I woke this morning to read on the the Facegroup groups..people complaining of no help..people are dying..not enough resources..someone has to do something !!

Ummmmm..You are all those someones !!!!!!!!

There was a room full of politicians last night at the event..perfect opportunity to share your story's....Show them we care....The people who organised the event..are the same people who ARE speaking out..Are telling their Stories..Are Pushing for more resources..More help..CHANGE!! Working hard to save our children !! With no complaints...They found their voices..They have overcome the stigma & shame..Their secrets are out...To save our children!!! They understand the strength it takes to do this..it is not easy..and not a journey many parents..the public are able..or willing to take...BUT..By god get out there and support them..show the Island..the politicians..that you are there at least..That you care what happens..They'll speak for you..YOU need to show up!! Not when a Crisis hits..Show up..keep showing up..put your support and presence behind these women!! It's all in numbers folks..We have Thousands of kids suffering..and we get maybe 30.....                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
Please Please..Help educate the politicians..Help Educate the public..Help these Women that are fighting for our Children!!!!!!!!! It is so easy to dismiss an e-mail..DELETE..pay lip service..BUT when Hundreds of people show up..Support the events..Support those speaking out..That my friends cannot be dismissed !!!! That is a visual caught on camera...That is impact..That's what gets things moving..changing!!

I do show up..I will continue to show up..because even tho my son is in recovery..Many many more are not..and I will show up for them also..I will show up for YOUR child,mother,father..please do the same for my son..xoxo





Friday, August 29, 2014

International Overdose Awareness Day

This Sunday there will be many people & Organisations,  raising awareness to this increasing problem of Drug Overdoses.

Some are releasing balloons to remember loved ones they have lost. Others are having Candle Light vigils.Rally's are being held worldwide.

Because Canada does not track the stats on drug overdoses it is hard to pinpoint the exact number..The numbers according to each province across Canada indicated an astounding increase,Since 2009 of 49 percent!!

Canada is currently looking at the drug Naloxone to be more accessible  to save lives!!

Overdose is every parent's nightmare ,that has a child living with the Disease of Drug Addiction.

 In Ottawa,our Country's Capital, a rally was held today.It's message was very powerful and shows that the paths of treating Our children..In all aspects.. needs changing ! It was Shared on the CBC and hopefully people will  see what compassion..empathy..can accomplish instead of stigma and judgement!!

I am passing along the Article in hopes one.. 1..person will read it..Think next time they are about to judge our children..maybe..just maybe..have Compassion..Stand with us..Not against us!!

   

Drug overdose deaths can be curbed with compassion, ralliers say





Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Mamma's Rehab

* Warning*  Mamma on A Rant !!

This has been coming for awhile..I guess all the press about Robin William's..and a heart to heart with my son and a few of his friends in recovery brought it too a head..Notice I didn't say his Clean friends..I hate the word CLEAN ..We have to open our eyes people..We have an epidemic in our Province..Our Country..In North America..Yes we can blame some of it on Big Pharma..But we can also blame it on our reluctance to Change the way Drug Addiction is treated..It's not working..end of story.


We have to be willing..open to change..We can't simply say.."They didn't want recovery bad enough"..Give me a break..I have heard from many actively using.. many in recovery..that say "Their not ready"..But I have yet to hear from any say.."Guess I didn't want it bad enough."

I am no expert..far from it..But I am a Mamma of a son who lives with the disease of Addiction..I have done a ton of research...yea yea..get a life..I have a life..and I gave life ....to 2 wonderful son's..They were planned..I was ready..We made that decision..Being a parent is a life long commitment..I am not about to throw my son to wolves, because he is sick with a disease that is treatable ..I'm just not. It is a Disease of the brain..A horrendous disease..and everyone is an expert..everyone has an opinion..everyone has an answer..a cure..a treatment..The problem is..everyone's road to recovery is different..and we have to accept that !!!

There is so much Judgement in the addiction community it is literally killing our kids..instead of helping them..
When you are on medication for addiction..the 12 steppers think..and tell you..your weak..your not clean.. You don't want it bad enough...your NOT welcome at our meetings..That my friends..is BULLYING!!!

The holistic approach..you just need to cleanse your body..walk on hot coals..find your aura..take multi viatmins..but not medication..no no..Your Body and Mind can heal themselves..just relax..get refreshed..reaffirm your sobriety..and Chant..

So how's it working for ya..It's not!!!

Dr. Drew had to cancel "Celebrity Rehab" due to the inconveniently frequent suicides !!

The statistics on Successes of these programs alone..are ...low...

I love the 12 step program..yes I do..I love the 12 steps they have to go through..reflection on their addiction..Minus a few.."that they are defective"..No they are sick..they have A Disease..they are not defective!!

I love the holistic approach..I love relaxation..eating healthy..exercise..spiritual awakening's..BUT..If I need Medication..For depression..for addiction..for diabetes..for Cancer..I'm bloodly well gonna take it!!!

SOoooooooooooo..Why can't we just have a rehab that offers everything..there's a novel Idea..lets Just treat The F* ing Disease with everything we got!! All in one place..All supporting each other..Offer 12 step..offer Holistic..Offer prescribed medication..Offer psychotherapy..Offer empathic Staff..Offer whatever and everything it takes to help our kids..no judgement..No Bullying..Just recovery from Addiction..Mental Illness. We have been going backwards..instead we need to move forward by opening our minds..Our Hearts..To NEW ways of treating Addiction..what have we got to lose ??? Our Kids ???







Tuesday, August 12, 2014

O Captain! My Captain!

The first time I saw Robin Williams in a serious Movie was the,      " Dead Poets Society", where he read Walt Whitman's Poem ..It is fitting today... as Walt wrote this poem as a farewell to Abraham Lincoln..a Poem of farewell..of mourning..

I grew up watching Robin..first in Mork and Mindy..and I was hooked..he made me laugh so hard..and yet..there always something dark..sorrowful..haunting about him..It wasn't until much later..when he became a big star and I watched an Interview he did with Larry King.


In this interview he talked about his demons..his depression..his addictions to alcohol..to drugs..that I understood what I saw.he talked openly and honestly..sharing his story with the world.


He will missed..by soo many people..I will miss his humor..the from the bottom of toes to the top of head laughs that he brought out in me..his serious side..I will miss him..

I only hope..like all the Mamma's out there..that his death will bring more awareness to our children's battles with their own demons...the need for more help..treatment..understanding..destigmazing these diseases of Depression and Addiction..wake up people..O Captain! My Captain! rise up and hear the bells

Rest in peace Robin Williams..Your fearful trip is done..xo


Saturday, July 26, 2014

Mary

Mary was a Mamma just like many of us..led down the path of addiction with her son..It is a family disease..we do get just as sick as our children..Please.. if you are struggling with a loved ones addiction..get help..be it another parent..so you wont feel alone..be it a support group..or professional help..better yet all 3!!


Mary decided she could no longer walk this path..she took her life..not what we expect to hear..we expect to read about her child..but not the parent..Broke my heart when I heard this..right to the core..She belonged to an online group for family's with loved ones suffering with addiction..she advocated..she loved her son..obviously she suffered more than anyone knew..Please reach out if your feeling helpless !!!

I joined a group a few weeks ago..NOT on addiction..BUT..It always comes up in some form or another..I was sickened by the names my son..and others who live with disease of addiction were called!!! The public does not get it..We need to educate them more.. We need to fight for better treatment...we need to find our voices and speak up..for our children..We need to stay strong and not let ignorant people keep us down..It will kill us !! Just as it is killing our loved ones!!

Give you son/daughter a hug..tell them you love them..they are in there somewhere in the grimy hands of addiction..then get help for you..You need to stay healthy !! The best thing we can do for our loved ones is get healthy..get on our recovery..if not..addiction wins!! F$%^..I hate addiction !!! What good are we to our children if we stay as sick as they are ????

I no longer give a Ratzzz Azzzz what other people think of me..or my son..he is sick..Who gives up on a sick child ???

I am not going to be another statistic..I am not going to be let the publics perception of my son..or me..Bully..shame.. stigmatize ...keep me prisoner in my home.. Quelle my voice....ever again !!!

My deepest sympathies to Mary's Family..huggggs
Mary ...I hope you have found peace...xo

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Transition & James Dean

It has not been a smooth ride .. This Transition home...for both us and our son..A week of ups and downs.

As the week comes to an end so does the life of a special man in my life.
He was my anchor,my protector in my early years growing up in the midst of addiction.

He was like a white knight riding in on his horse to swoop me up and lift me out of the chaos...and drop me into the simple life of a farm..a busy life full of chores and laughter..surrounded always by the love of my Dad's Family..He used to come and say..Vacation time Kiddo..pack your things.. I had many many vacation days at the farm..I had no Idea what chaos was going on at home..he protected me from that in my early years..He also gave me my first dog..who lived to be 21 !!

He was so Handsome..A James Dean look-a-like..jet black hair and eyes as blue as the sea.

He is my Father's younger brother..My Favorite Uncle..

He was a Bad Boy..like my son..but I never saw that side of him.It's funny how the heart responds to someone who has been so special to you,you overlook that side..I was always happy to see him..no matter what turmoil his own life was in..and he was always same with me..We had a special bond. We actually have sons the same age.. So he was always my Big brother..That is the kind of bond we have.I am so lucky to have such a big family on my Dad's side..As I was the oldest Niece..we all grew up together..what seemed like years between us when I was a wee one..grew increasingly smaller as we grew older..so instead of Uncles & Aunts..they are now my brothers and sisters.

His days are running out of hours.. His own Transition from this world to the next has begun...He knows how special he always was to me..and will always be..no matter where he is..


Over these past 5 years with my son's struggle, I longed for him to swoop in..and say.."vacation Time Kiddo". But Life happens..We grow up..

Love you.My James Dean..xoxoxox 

Update : Fight is over..peace and a party as he rejoins his siblings and parents waiting for him with open arms, that passed from this world to the next before him...July/06/2014


 


Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Homecoming

Today is the day...After 6 weeks in treatment,my son is coming home.I missed him...of course I have missed the man/boy he used to be, since Addiction stole him away.Even tho I have seen glimpses of him over the years,these past 3 weeks I have heard my funny,loving,kind son more than I ever have.

I am hopeful he has picked up more knowledge,more strength,more self-esteem to continue his journey in recovery on a more solid path.

One of things he has talked about is strategic planning.This is something he has never done before.His only pre-planning was "When the cats away,the monster will come out to play".This is a good sign !

It is also a good sign that "I" will not get in his way.It is his recovery.I will sit on the sidelines and cheer him on, continue to Support & Advocate.

Today is a good Day...xoxo






Monday, June 23, 2014

Coping With Addiction

From Time to Time I hear people talk about there being 4C's , In reference to Addiction. I believe there are only 3.
The 3C's being You didn't Cause it,You can't Control it..and you can't Cure it...The 4th C  was Cope.."You can learn to cope with it."

Coping by definition according to wikipedia is:In psychology, coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.

Hmmmm..It bothered me this word Cope in reference to Addiction.

We all have coping skills..and we use them in Daily life..But I must have missed the part on" We have to learn to cope with Addiction".

No..We have to Heal !! We have to address our feelings,and give them the attention they deserve..they will be painful..but we must experience them in order to let them go and heal.

For me, My coping skills were just masking the problem..Until I could no longer Cope and realized There are not enough skills in the universe to cope with this Monster of addiction.

If I truly wanted to get better..because we are all just as sick as our loved ones,I needed to heal myself..I had to reach deep within my soul and start on my own recovery..It was not an easy Journey to get to this healing Place..But I knew..Unless I got well..I could be of no use to my son,In supporting him heal and reach his own recovery. My family deserved their Mamma Back,My Hubby his Wife..etc..I deserved myself back.Not this broken woman who some days couldn't even get out of bed..It just isn't enough to cope..You have to heal !!!

So for me..It will remain..The 3C's..Just my humble opinion..xoxo

Friday, June 20, 2014

Heart Of A Mother

I am sharing this video that was penned by a very dear friend of mine Rose Barbour.Rose works tirelessly on our Island for all who struggle with the disease of addiction.It was put to song and video by JD White,A dad who's family has also been impacted by this horrendous disease..

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Happy Father's Day and Recovery

I was going to write a post on coping with Addiction,however I remembered Sunday was Father's Day!

I have written many times about my sweet Dad and his own struggle with the disease addiction, from which he spent the last 24 years of his life in Recovery.Many people told me on his passing ,the profound feelings of loss would get better over time.It hasn't..But Life goes on and I am able to smile at the memory's now instead of cry..
I am able to laugh at his antics and dry sense of humor instead of shedding tears..I am able to feel his love and presence each and everyday with Comfort & Pride !

I can still hear his voice each & every Father's Day saying " You were and always will be the best Father's Day gift a father could receive..I was born on Father's Day..And I loved those years when my birthday & Father's Day fell on the same Day..I loved that we both Celebrated together...Each Other..What an extremely lucky girl I was, to have got to know, the most amazing man in world ! 

Recovery, gave me that gift..

Recovery, gave my Boy's a grandfather who spent quality time with them and never missed a milestone in their Lives!!

Recovery, gave countless people, still struggling, the pleasure of his company,whether it be over coffee,driving them to appts,buying them a meal,Finding them a warm place to spend the night..he "payed it forward" before those words became popular..He gave back continually !

Recovery allowed him to care for my mom, in her last years, slowly dying from her own disease, from which she just could not reach recovery..But you could still see & feel the deep love they had for each other..

Recovery did not come from the smokey dark rooms of AA,which I sat and celebrated with him the many times he picked up his "1 year chip"..And watched him sneak off to the bootleggers to" Celebrate" his milestone..As he would look so sheepishly sad the next day and say" AA" is just not for me..And the battle would begin again on his journey to reach Recovery.

Recovery came after a stint in Jail and the birth of his first Grandchild ( my son).When he was released and came home, we were waiting with that bundle of joy in our arms..he cried..I cried..I told him then,I could not let my son experience, what we as a family experienced growing up with his disease..His grandson deserved to know the real man behind the disease, who I knew was there and had seen him many times between "1 year chips". He never drank again !! So don't tell me love does not play a role in achieving Recovery.

Recovery brought each and everyone of one us the feeling of unconditional Love..As was evident on the day we said our good-byes.We all gathered in a circle,holding hands, His sons,his daughter,his grandsons & granddaughters to share our feelings of love and embrace him one last time.no one spoke..you could hear the silent tears,the muffled cries,when out of the silence came this shaky weak voice.." I was always his favorite you know"..His Grandaughter..looking very pleased with herself for telling us all this..And it began..No..I was his favorite..NO I was..remember the time..And so it spread around that circle..That special feeling of warmth and unconditional love that every person should experience as a son,daughter,grandchild,That my friends is what Recovery brought to our Family.

I hope my Bro's do not follow my blog because I am about share with you something my father whispered in my ear.." You will always be my Fav"..

Happy Father's Day My Sweet Dad..Love you always..

P.S. I slipped him one of his" 1 year chips" ( that he carried with him daily) to take with him, on his next journey..just in case..xoxo


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Never Forget

It has been a week of positives...in small ways..Great things come in small packages as my 4 ft.10in. Mamma used to say.My son's tune-up seems to be just what he needed..He is talking the talk..let's see if he can Walk the Walk.

I am reminded daily The road to recovery can be a long and twisted one...and even those in solid recovery can falter..it is a daily..even minute to minute journey for life.The more tools they have the better, to win this battle, but that monster is always waiting on sidelines to slip back in at anytime.He has added a few more tools..let's hope he uses them to construct..rather than destruct..

As for me..my recovery is sailing steadily through the sometimes rough seas.I am so proud.
One thing I have learned is too keep my circle of friends..supporters small. Being on the more Introverted side of life, my circle was never large to begin with ! I found tho even it needed culling..So over the past year I have been able to achieve just that.I have replaced those who have dropped off ( pushed out) with positive people, who are on the same wave length as myself..and a few who challenge me daily to think outside my comfort zone and allow me to grow! It is so empowering to actually take control of my own life and see who I really am..The funny thing is, I actually like who I am becoming !!! I have decided to keep the shoot from hip kinda girl in me..I always liked her ;)

This family disease of addiction you suddenly find yourself in, literally gives you the biggest kick in the gut..brings you to your knees..Emotionally and physically..The longer you stay down..the sicker you become..You have to dig deep and pull yourself back up or it wins!! This sucker is not going to win with this Mamma..xoxox  

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Positive Thoughts

You know that old saying"sometimes your the dog..and sometimes your the tree"
Well this was my week to be the tree!

While my son entered treatment for a an adjustment..tune-up..whatever his reasons were I just stayed out of it...And was thankful he called..without my interference.

My fear..and will always be that he dies from this Fuc#$%^ Disease..I have my own solid recovery going but you can't take the Mamma completely out of me.

It was a week of reminders( trigger) of this fear..As my Journey with another horrendous disease took a nose dive..I just can't get past that 5 year Cancer Free Mark even after 4 battles with it..Like my Journey with his addiction, I have come to terms with that and just live one day at time..Actually 3 months at a time..this third month check-up..which would have resulted in the 5 year cancer free Party..did not happen..I will remain optimistic..till the biopsy is scheduled and final results are in..But those fears crept in..Am I going to ever beat this monster!!

So I decided to grab my dog and head for the shore.. my healing place..I did not make it..Out of the blue the tears started to flow and I had to pull over..As my dog lovingly licked away my tears..I thought wow..where did that come from..So pity party over..I'm going to try this again.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers..send positive vibes..I never share these moments..I find people are uncomfortable around me if I mention it..same as Mentioning my son is an addict..That one I have overcome..and try to educate anybody and everybody who will listen..My own..well it is a very rare type..so too much to explain..hard for people to understand..

So next week I head over to see my Handsome Cancer Specialist..Put on my Gloria Gaynor song " I will Survive"..and let him get a little piece of me..xoxo

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Orange Is The New Black

One of the words we hear quite often in Addictions is the term Natural Consequences.As parents this is something we must adhere too!! It could very well be the time when our loved ones see the light.The term can mean almost anything from breaking rules..not respecting boundary's..more often tho it refers to problems with the court system.

Sometimes their past can come back to haunt them ( as in my son's case).As much as you want to step in and help..DON'T
  • Do not under any circumstances pay for their lawyer..they have manipulated and stolen enough off you.
  • Do not believe for one minute they are innocent..that it wasn't theirs.. it was Johnny's..That they paid for it and didn't have a receipt or bag.. because they are saving the environment !
  • Let them experience first hand their natural consequences.
  • Do or Do not go to the sentencing hearing for support..It can be heartbreaking seeing your loved one shuffling out with leg shackles & handcuffs..be prepared..Yes they need to know you still love them..just be prepared..I wasn't. But I will be this time!!
  • Do not give them canteen money..do not cave into the pleas for money so they can buy pop & chips..a better toothbrush..etc..Remember, they are not going on vacation to a luxury spa !! Let them suffer the consequences while YOU take the Spa Vacation.. while they are safely locked up off the streets..clean..getting perhaps programs to help them..with plenty of time to reflect on the actions this disease has brought with it..Maybe..Just maybe..It is what they needed to reach & maintain recovery!!If you do give them money..It may very well go to purchasing drugs..yes Mamma they sell drugs in Jail & Prison..no money..no drugs !! 
  • I wish each person who's petty crimes while active in their addiction,was given the opportunity to be sentenced to Rehab..That would be my wish in a perfect world.
  • Remember to continue to offer support..and let them always know you love them..xo

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Open Minds

I have read many blogs on this subject so this post is not unique.In fact last month I addressed it in another post " Mines Bigger Than Yours"..I do not think for a sec, my posts will change anybody's mind, but this divide among treatment choices is causing harm.

My Thought process on Addiction treatment..is..and will always be..what works for one..does not work for all!!!


We also have to be open to moving forward with the times..Not that the old ways do not work..but new treatment options do also.

What I am seeing in public posts..blogs..is blatant discrimination..and Judgement..Like we don't have enough of that from the public..Do we really need that among our own movement? I think not!

Some believe those with addiction issues need to hit rock bottom before seeking help,  ..The new research has shown that could mean..and has meant..death..Why not bring the bottom up ? 

Educate yourselves on the facts of treatment options..do not believe everything you read...many are in it to sell their product..recovery homes..Rehab facilities..detox..etc.. To Make Money...Just as our addicts tell us many tales to get our money..so will those who are in the business,promising to "Cure" Our Loved Ones.

Do Your Homework

My concern is for those reaching out for treatment options..Just be happy they are reaching out..be happy they reach recovery..Advocate for your loved ones.. Encourage..Support..But do not try and control which treatment they chose...

Sometimes it takes many options combined to reach recovery.

It will be a journey of adding and subtracting..take what works..leave the rest..add something different..there is no magic fix..Trust the process..It could be a long one..But well worth it !!

Do not share your fears..negative thoughts..prejudices about the treatment..this will only make our loved ones second guess themselves..which in turn stymies their progress or hope of recovery..No" I told you so's " if it doesn't work! There is evidence based treatment that have proven different options work..from experts in the field of addictions..there are new options.."hope..fully"..there will more on the horizon..don't close your minds off to just one..what works for one..does not always work for another..
"This is fear mongering on the backs of our loved ones"

Stepping off my soapbox..xoxo

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Mani

Not the nice relaxing manicure..But, the I am still here ...Mani-pu-lation !!

"When the words they speak compliment the actions you see"...They are truly on their way in recovery!

I hate Addiction

Even on Mother's Day it has to rear it's ugly head just to let you know...I'm still here.

Although his many, many, attempts did not work..it did dampen the day..for my Hubby..I was able to keep on smiling..I did not engage..I did not even speak..I just kept on eating and smiling as they both bantered back and forth..It's going to be a Lonnnnnnnnng recovery Journey for this boy.

I admit to maybe... "whispering"... as I was chewing... a few choice words... they were inaudible !

Since I have chosen to work on my own recovery and let others work on their's it has brought me alot of peace...

Addiction loves it when we are weak & full of fear, both physically & mentally exausted..It thrives in that atmosphere with the
loved ones...Hopefully someday that monster will just move on..That Mamma does not live there anymore...xoxo

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mother's Day

For many this is the day to honor your Mamma's,whether it be cards,flower's,dinner out the family..It is the day, once a year to show her, we/you appreciate and love her.

I loved Mother's day when the kids were small..I loved the home made cards & gifts..the verses that did not rhyme..My favorite gift was always the biggest bouquet of Dandelions my son's could pick ! To this day it is my favorite flower.I loved spoiling my own Mom on this day..Since she is no longer with us,There is always a bit of sadness on this day.

This year I got a Special Gift from my oldest son..It was a box filled with homemade cards & homemade gifts, Made by my grandchildren...Love Love Love!!!

My Youngest son gave me the journey of recovery..His & Mine... and Dinner at my fav Restaurant.. on his dime !

If you see me out and about today, I will not be hard to spot..I will be wearing my dangling heart ear rings made out of play-do..10 para-cord bracelets of every color of the rainbow..A crochet head band with a Gerber Daisy pinned on the side..I will be carrying a canvas Purse with hand written messages from all of them..What more could a Mamma want !! I am Truly Blessed !

I do know for some Mother's, this will be a difficult day...I spent many Mother's Days with an absent son...You will be in my Thoughts & prayers...xoxo

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's !








 


Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Purse Poll

I was listening to our local radio station this morning and they mentioned a poll that had been conducted.They had polled a 1,000 women,asking the question " What do you Carry in your purse?" The answers were the typical "necessities" women would need.
Make-up
shoes
Curling Iron
Food
phones etc etc..
Clean underwear
 It hit me then... none of the above is any longer in my purse !! I have no room for them!

For Women who are living with a loved one with Addiction...We Carry a much bigger purse these days !
I did not even have to dump out my purse..I know Exactly what's in it ! 
  • Kleenex-not a few-the whole dang box
  • My Journal and at least 10 pens
  • 2 cans of Red Bull
  • My cell phone
  • My Ipad
  • My e-reader
  • All my Jewellery
  • My Rosary Beads
  • My Worry Beads
  • My Lucky Charm's
  • A family picture before Addiction came calling
  • A picture of my son after Addiction came calling!
  • Bear spray ( ya never know who may come crashing through your door)
  • All the medications in the house
  • All my cards and my son's health card
  • An Epi-pen
  • A Narcan Kit
  • At home pee tests
  • Keys..for everything.. Including the safe which used to be a combination type..But I'm getting old and could not remember the numbers,we would change them so many times,so now we have a key-lock one.
  • My Grama's good silver ( minus the spoons) 
You get the picture..I used to love shopping for purses..a different purse for each outfit..a different color..A different style..I still have them tucked away..But it is not so easy changing purses these days..My only priority nowadays is get the Biggest purse you can find..preferably with padded shoulder straps as it never leaves my body..except at night..it is tucked under my pillow with a big bell attached, so I can hear ,if it is being moved ! After my hubby goes to sleep... I slip the laptop under his pillow..I am so very grateful my son is in recovery before I graduated to a suitcase on wheels!! I used to notice other women's purses..goo & gush over them..Now I notice sizes of purses and wonder..Hmmm do they have a loved one with Addiction ?

This is the sad reality..Many of you will understand..and those who don't..will never understand..xoxo





Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Step This Way

Today my son approached me to have a chat..a heart to heart with Mamma..No, it wasn't about his addiction..It was about reconciling with his old girlfriend.I have made it a rule not to get involved in his relationship woes ever again..but I did want... secretly, to know how things were going..without asking..soooo I just sat and listened..In my head I had many scenario's playing out and ALOT of bad memories popping up..it was not a healthy relationship..for either of them! He surprised me, by telling me "He" had decided there was too much baggage..and a lot of stuff he did not want to revisit with her. His recovery was shaky at best and he did not want to set off any triggers or stress that would put this in jeopardy..Hallelujah !!

He did think tho he should start reaching out to make new friends..As much as he loved us.. hanging out with just us..was..getting a bit boring !! ( guess I'll have to find a new boxing partner for the Wii )

 As much as I wanted to say, do you think your ready ? I didn't..I only gave him positive feedback..stressing that part of his recovery was indeed ridding yourself of the old..and embracing the new..I am encouraged by this step..xoxo

Monday, May 5, 2014

One Year

Wow it has been 1 year since I started my Blog..Happy Birthday !

I kinda feel like the Phoenix..You recreate yourself..You must in order to survive  and heal!!

It was a year of learning,some by own doing, My son's..but most of all, by the help of others.

There is no one who can understand this Journey unless they have, or are, living it! You don't learn this stuff in books..It is a combination of all learning styles..most of us have our own and we all know how we learn best,whether it be Visual,Auditory,Logical,Solitary,Social or Physical..Trust me... in order to heal from this TRIP you must become of a master of all!!

I have met the most amazing people,who otherwise,in a "Normal" life our paths would never have crossed !!
It was desperation and fear ( for both my son's life and my own) That prompted me to reach out.

It wasn't and isn't.. always a bowl full of Cherry's..but nothing worth fighting for rarely is.

I have listened tho...took what worked for me..and left the rest..it is indeed an individual learning process !

But I am here a year later,Thanks to Friends..Incredible Human beings..those in Recovery,  Those still active in their addiction, And those like myself, standing beside those who need us the most!!..They are my Hero's..My Anchor's..My Family..I once read It does not matter whose DNA is combined with who..when everything goes to hell,The people who stand beside you without flinching are your Family.I am now part of a New family !

I still have bad days..but they are better bad days ;)


                                                                                          
When you have always been the strong one,the caregiver,the nurturer,the Mamma..Addiction certainly tells you quickly you are now..... none of the above! You are nothing more than a means,A vessel,to get that next fix!! That... my friends takes alot of unlearning..and relearning !

I love my son's equally..I have raised two strong, passionate sons,with high morals and values. One who now has children of his own..Who never judged nor begrudged the time spent,the toll and time it takes in dealing with his brother's addiction.I am so proud of the man he became!! I hope and I hope some more, that someday, my youngest son ,will be free from the demons that haunt his soul and reclaim that same man I raised.. I know is in there!! 
 

I am..... a work in progress..

BUT

I am still MammaP..xoxo

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Doors are Open

The 3C's Family Support Group is about to open their doors !
You didn't cause it!
You control it!
You Can't cure it! 

You can find all the information about it here 3 C's FAMILY SUPPORT GROUP *Starts May 6 at 7:00!!

A much needed service!!
They are quick to say they are not professionals Just concerned parents..It is not to replace Counseling ..but to compliment it, by being surrounded with other family members going through the same.Sounds like it will be a safe place to open up with people that,like many of us, feel alone & stigmatized..Congrats & Best of Luck to these 2 Ladies!!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Addictions Recovery Unit

As expected an announcement was made today regarding the opening of The Addictions Recovery Unit.
10 beds with a stay of 4 weeks,open to those 18 and over.
We'll take it !!

As most of us know who have loved ones battling addiction, that time after detox is sooo important..If they are sent back out without further supports in place, within a few days they are back using..This will help with those that do tend to relapse quickly.It may also give them the time needed to set up those supports..especially with the 3 new addiction positions recently announced to help steer and navigate through the system.

Is it enough..By no means !!! It is a step in the right direction, but the number of beds available leaves room for improvement....and the criteria ( which is yet to be released ..hmmmm).. I will take it with cautious optimism..considering 25 go through detox weekly..100 a month..with only 10 beds available.

I do hope this is not a bone thrown to us in place of a Long Term Residential Facility..Cause there is not enough meat on this !!

I truly do not think the public,the Politicians,The professionals understand our misgivings about their reports and speeches.My god these are our Children's lives !! Our Mother's,Father's,Sibling's,We want nothing more than anybody else, if it was their loved one, battling a Chronic Disease.You just can't give us a few choices for care..we need..and deserve..the full deal !! WE can't just throw up our arms and give up..We have already lost to many lives last year!! It is every parents nightmare to lose a child..why do you think we are any different!! WE will not give up the fight..There is nothing like the love of Mamma for her child...And they are all Our Children.


Parents of children with other chronic diseases get lots of support,from family,friends,hospital staff,neighbors..they get sent lovely cards..they get meals brought their homes..No one bakes us a cake..no one sends us cards with a simple" Thinking Of You"..Our Children get turned away at hospitals..We are by no means playing victims..We have found our voices..Overcome the stigma...and...WE. ARE. NOT. GOING. AWAY.

P.S. We are not Activists..We are Parents of children who have a disease !!