Monday, December 30, 2013

Reflections on 2013

  As I opened the morning paper I was reminded what the year 2013 was about on our Gentle Island."Addiction"...And I cried.It is so sad when the lead story for 2013 was about the murder-suicide of a young woman & her young son swallowed up by addiction.Tremendous loss to all families involved and the community as a whole.And everyone judged..blamed..pointed fingers..and all I could hear was the incidious snicker of addiction in the background,like the monster it is celebrating it's most recent catch...and the many young lives it stole before & after this incident..and significant steps to tackle this growing problem!!

  It was this story & my own son's dance with death, that was playing out at the same time,that brought me out of the shadow's and into the fight for the much needed treatment for our children.

  It was a year of hell..but out of the ashes came sooo many blessings!!
It was the people...complete strangers, that reached out to me when I was inwardly & outwardly screaming for help.
Some with a simple sentence " I understand what your going thro"
So much advice & words of wisdom from those that went down this path before me and continue now beside me!!
Allowing me to heal,to be come stronger,better informed, more understanding,trying anything and everything to help my son get on the path to recovery.
It was a perfect mix of loving caring people, to the straight shooting,in your face,reality checks that I needed .
Thank-you to each and every one of you !! Many will not even know it was their words,gestures of kindness,stories shared,writings of their own that reached out to me...touched me,enabled me to heal,while NOT enabling my son.

This last day of 2013 brought me a son in recovery,struggling each day to maintain.. but so far successful!

To my 2 biggest cheerleaders,supporters and my biggest blessings this you both Rose & Chris..xoxo

Ode To Addiction

You think your so cunning
So Smart and Tough
Consuming my son
Well This Mamma's had enough!

I'll do what I must
To defeat your curse
My son will grow stronger
And not ride in your Hearse!

The gloves are Off
You've met your Match
I'll meet you head on
Everything you throw,I'll Catch!

Those words that you Spew
Using his body,thinking it's cute
Does not scare me anymore
I'll just put you on mute!!

You think you've got him ?
That I don't see ?
MY little boy..
Screaming out for me!

His outside has changed
He looks tired & sick
He's just your vessel
To blind me with your tricks!!

My eyes are wide open,
My Mind is set!
This Mamma means Business
My Son you'll not get!

Call me a fool,
Call me Naive,way off track,
Call me the Mamma
That Stole her son Back!


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas

What is Christmas?
Every time a hand reaches out
To help another...
That is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside
And strives for understanding...
That is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences
And realize their love for each other...
That is Christmas.

May this Christmas bring us
Closer to the spirit of human understanding
Closer to the blessing of peace & Love..xo

Sunday, December 22, 2013


Thought I should update,been really busy,tis the season!
My son has been really well this week after a rough go for a few days,Back on track & his actions are speaking in unison with his words.I read somewhere we know when they are truly into recovery when their actions match their words.This has been the case this week! It has been a good week!

Christmas & holidays seem to be a hard time for those with addictions,hopefully being surrounded by the love of family will keep him safe & in a good place.

I am also so lucky to be surrounded by such loving caring people in the Addiction Community,without them I wouldn't have made this far with my sanity intact( most days).

For me it has been kinda like a witches brew,I add a little of this & that..take out what doesn't work,put in something different..For now it seems to be working..Thanks to advice I have gotten from people all over the world..and all walks of life..It is such an nasty disease in what works for one does not work for all...Trial & error,the whole time hoping,praying that this time he's got it.I just refuse to let addiction win with my son..I hope he has the same mindset..xoxo

Saturday, December 14, 2013

And How Was Your Week ?

Let's just say mine was Baaad..Testing us everyway he can..He had a back on track..Dr told us to expect this until his methadone reaches the appropiate level..A few other glitches in his recovery that I am not worrying about..his recovery..I can only control our actions..Our recovery..Longest he has been in our home for a long time...I guess that would be a success of sorts..xo

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Insensitivity,Call it what you like but a letter to the editor in our Daily newspaper really made me angry!!
The funny thing is, I sat behind this man at the hearings on addiction,he also gave a great presentation on his own addiction to alcohol and what helped him reach Sobriety.

But today's letter was just plain Ignorance.The sentence that really got my Irish up was: Round up all the dysfunctional families and offer them support as these are the families that " Produce " the addicts.

 I Wonder where he has been the last few years when the families that "produce" the addicts have been slowly coming out and speaking up. I Wonder if reads the daily newspaper where the Doctors,Lawyers,RCMP,Pharmacists, Youth Workers, etc that have been charged for dealing,stealing to support their own addictions or does he just read his own letters that get printed!! Addiction does not discriminate!!  I Wonder does he realize Addiction is a disease!! I wonder...and I worry..statements & opinions like his just set us back in looking for treatment for our families.

I feel a letter to the Editor coming on....

Friday, December 6, 2013

Addict Behavior

 This is tough...Although he is clean & working the program the addict behavior is alive & well!!
I have been told it can take up to 3 months for this "start" changing...God Help me!!
Patience Mamma Patience

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Calmness,Strength & Inner Peace

That would be me.I have no Idea where it came from,but I am embracing it !! Even tho I have always seemed to remain calm during stressful happenings in my life and do what needs to be done,This is a different calmness,Like an inner peace of sorts.

I have made a conscious decision( it is hard to keep quiet when I think he is making the wrong choices!!) to let my son now own his recovery,I can advocate for him, but I cannot control his recovery,he alone has to walk that lonely road I can only be a bystander,support,listen & love.It was & Is a steep learning curve for me.

I once had a client who was dying and I was the nurse who did the nights,we would sit almost the whole night just talking,She needed to share her life,she had accepted death,was ready,and wanted to tell me how blessed she was.I always felt Blessed that she chose me to share her last days with & reminisce. She was a farmer's wife,no children,and had no sisters but 2 brothers who she lived with and you could feel the love between them all.She really touched me and I actually looked forward to each night to our marathon talks,Tea & biscuits with the odd chocolate bar thrown in !! She had a hard life,not only physically as a farmer, but she remained for 30 years in an abusive relationship.These were the times when the man was the king of his Castle and she truly believed she was doing something to deserve these horrendous beatings.

The story she shared with me changed her life forever.It is a very uplifting and sad story at the same time.

Being a Farmer they always had animals around...people used to drop off their unwanted cats & dogs on their land, knowing she would always feed & care for them.These were her children.One day this very pregnant kitten showed up on her doorstep.She said it couldn't have been any more than 6 months old.

Her husband was raging,not only another cat,but a pregnant one at that!!Well the day came that the kitten had her babies...8 & pure white...She said the Mamma was so proud...and never left them even to eat herself,so she she would take her food & milk to her in the loft.

One day she was hanging out clothes and she saw her husband walking by with a potatoe sack in his hand and heading for the river.She knew exactly what he was doing and what was in the sack,the kittens,He was going to drown them.She dropped eveything and ran after him.By the time she caught up with him he was on his way back and the bag was slowly sinking in the river.As she watched in horror,the Mamma's head emerged from the it's mouth,a baby.She actually swam to the bank dropped off the kitten and went back..This went on till all 8 babies were safely back on shore.Cats are known for their fear of water and inability to swim...This she thought was a miracle.She quickly bundled them all up in her apron and set off for her brother's farm a mile away where she knew they would be safe.

The courage of that Mamma gave her the courage to leave her husband.The next day she had her brother's come & get her and she lived out her remaining years with her brothers & 9 cats!! Although at this point in her life the Mamma had since passed on,one of the 8 kittens was still around at the young age of 24...and it never left her side for the 4 months I spent with her.

I do not think there is a moral to this story but his actions finally gave her the courage to leave or was it the actions of the Mamma cat...risking her own life to save her babies...She died the next night on my shift,peacefully and surrounded by the love of her brothers & the one remaining kitten that always served to reminder her of the strength she had deep inside her.

I don't know why this woman entered my thoughts yesterday,But it made me smile & cry at the same time...Maybe she is still with me in spirit..helping me, to dig deep inside and find my own strength & Inner peace..xox

Sunday, December 1, 2013

2 Weeks

Thought I should give you an update on my son. He did not get accepted into long term rehab this time.One reason being his ex-Family Dr.decided he did not wish to provide a letter of support.

So I had to think fast on what to do next, since he was already in detox.  After many unanswered phone calls to the Addiction Center I decided to go out myself.A good friend of mine told me to remain calm ( I often react with my heart ), But refuse to leave until I was able to speak to someone about my son's treatment plan, upon leaving detox.I had no problem seeing someone.A wonderful Nurse who knew my son quite well from previous visits to detox.I remained calm throughout our meeting.To my surprise she agreed with everything I said including the part where I told her detoxing our children for 5-7 days and putting them back on the streets was more of a relapse program...a revolving door of detox..relapse.Also to my surprise she had my son down pat !! I told her I felt without treatment for both his addiction & ADHD he was doomed to fail...He is his own worst enemy and needed much more than detox.She asked me to leave it with her and she would see what she could do,as she already had been working on keeping him for longer than 7 days.I had a good feeling about her and trusted she would do her best to help him.

The next day my son called sounding very upbeat and actually hopeful,they had taken him into the methadone program.

Later that day The Doctor called me..Not only was this monumental...But the fact that I just arrived at my oldest sons home 1500 miles!! He wanted to explain to me the program he was setting up for my son..double wow!! Apparently my advocating for my son,The support of the nurse and talking with my son himself gave him more insight into his addiction and some of reasons he was not successful thus far in any form of recovery .As much as I wanted to say..duhh there was no help offered..or available..I zipped it shut and listened.

They kept him for 10 days
Started him on methadone
Set him up with a counselor
Put his name in for a sober living home
Appts weekly with the Doctor
Addressing his ADHD with medication to be taken when he goes for his methadone.
Group meetings twice a week
NA meetings at The center
random urine tests( which has happened twice already)
Structure..Structure..structure..Exactly what he needs!!!

Yes he was on methadone before,but thro his family doc...and nothing more..There is accountability of other addicts..and did I say Structure!! He is back living with us..with rules & boundary' enabling.

My support system is in place...always just a phone call or coffee away ;)..My e-mail Buddy who has helped more than he can ever know, by providing me with support & knowledge from his experience of living with addiction and now being clean for 10 years!! And my SESH (Sharing Experience,Strength & hope) Book!!

My son has now been clean for 2 weeks today...and we all know take it one day at for today..It is a Great Day.I am learning to live in the moment...I remember my first battle with Cancer when I would bargain to live to the expiry date on the Milk Carton.Different disease,Different times,no bargaining...Just living in the moment...xoxo