With Love,Opiate

This poem was written by a friend of mine...who gives and gives of herself ,each and everyday helping not only Mamma's like myself,But also advocates for our Addicts..She literally saved my sanity..

Excellent work Rose!! xoxo my friend. 

 

http://shadowsinpei.blogspot.ca/2013/09/with-love-opiate.html

 

Drop-Off

 Well he got there,and I dropped him off myself. It was not without the usual drama but he is there.Had his plan ready on what to tell them he needed and how long he needed to stay.I bit my tongue  and let him talk.
It scares me tho with this talk,to me it shows he wants control.I have given the lecture many times over the years on maybe listening to others who are the experts and give their way a try since his way isn't working too well.The important thing he is there!! How he chooses to get thro it is his choice.Hopefully he will finish this time!!

Today-Maybe

Well today is the day he goes into detox...I hope
Have not heard or seen him for 2 days..not a good sign!
I heard he took 1 day off..and another 1/2 day..another bad sign!
As he will be missing time and not get paid for those days he is in detox..this was pretty irresponsible!
What is he thinking????
One last hurrah before detox??? Scares me!!

811

  811,The newest initiative our government has decided to invest OUR tax dollars on.Don't get me wrong, I do believe it will help people avoid the emergency depts, help with concerns regarding health, educate about illnesses,diseases,bring some comfort to those with concerns. It will provide information,help make the decision to call or not call 911.
BUT,There is always a BUT. My number one problem with this 400,000 a year investment is it states Addiction as one of area's, that will see a vast improvement through this system.I am not a Debby Downer but give your head a shake!! How can calling 811 help our Addicts ? A nurse in Nova Scotia( where the system is) answers their call and Says what???

• Go to emerg-where you will be told either of 2 things,We do not treat addicts here,Or Have a seat,there is a 7 hour wait,Just what you need and have heard when you visit and are feeling suicidal.
• Go to detox.Where you can wait for over a month for a bed
• You just came out of detox and need help,Go to a sober-living facility,only a 3 month wait there.
• In the meantime contact social services,they will help you secure shelter, sorry you need an Address to access that help,and the minute you mention Addiction,you are ushered out the door,not a viable illness to receive social assistance.

• Contact your family doctor
• God Help us!!! 

I just hope when & If Minister Currie announces his looooong awaited plan for addictions, The 811 system is not included in the investment monies allocated to Addictions!!!

 

Psssst

I am only going to whisper, as it might Jinx the news. HE GOT A BED !!

No Room At The Inn

Just a quick up-date...Still no room at the Inn...4 weeks since he requested a bed at Detox. Today I made him call and put it on speaker phone so I could hear the conversation ( Plus I was beginning to wonder if he really did ) Conversation kinda went like this.
Son: Yes just calling again to see if you can tell me when I can get a bed in detox,I have been waiting a month and everyday you tell me it will be this week.
Intake person: What's your name sweetie?
Son: Name given
Intake person: Yes we have your referral,we have noted you called from Aug 22 -Sept 20 everyday.Sorry we had some emergency referral's that we had to take which affected those on the waiting list
Son: If I do not get in soon I am going to do something stupid,This is ridiculous !!
Intake Person: If you feel suicidal please go to Emergency,You will get in soon Sweetie. Click( while Mamma was screaming in the background "hand me that phone!!")

So another e-mail sent off to our Minister of Health ( who never acknowledges our letters). Hopefully week 5 will be his lucky week...Shame Shame Shame!!!!

Success

  We had our kick at the can and I thought we did very well, considering I got emotional and shed a few tears.
My hubby was spot on with his points,he got down to the nitty gritty of the problem and offered great solutions.

   I also think I did well,Where I lost it was when they started asking questions,I found myself tearing up when talking about my son and his addiction.Add to that... he still is NOT in detox!!                     No beds..&*^% !!

   They ( being the members of the legislative committee) appeared to be attentive.

   I also attended the public meetings where I was equally impressed with the presentations given by many community groups,front line staff, Also Portage Atlantic, A 24 hour treatment facility in a neighboring province, that has beds for our children in their facility, when the Powers that be deem Our children eligible to go!! 

  We can now only wait and see what the results will be.The one common theme that ran through every ones submission's, was the need for seamless treatment.I think they got the point that 5 days in detox is not a treatment plan,if you can get a bed!!!

  The one thing that kept sending shivers up my spine was the word "youth". Meaning my son, who is 25, will not be eligible if they go that route.

Lets hope, that the seamless treatment is open to all ages.
Lets hope, that we see positive changes.
Lets hope, they move quickly.
Lets hope,we lose no more children while waiting.
Lets hope somebody listens and acts.
Lets hope...

 

Meeting Day

Well today is the day.The day we get to voice our concerns,tell our story,suggest changes with the Legislative Assembly.A friend told me just go with my heart,I am scared if I go down that road, I will lose it and flood the room with tears.

We have worked on a speech,hitting on just about everything.Hopefully we will get it all in the 20 mins.I have also printed out some info for them to read.I can only hope we make a difference...

 Apparently my son is going to Detox today,a fitting day to go !
He again expressed his desire to come home for a few weeks after detox.I explained to him he cannot come home, for 2 reasons.

1.It would be a trigger for him,as he always used here,Addicts he knows live only 2 doors away,Dealer lives around the corner.

2.I do not trust him,because of that it would be very stressful for me, thus I would cause stress for him,if he is serious,he does not need me questioning his every move.

Not sure if he bought it, but he dropped the idea!! ( for now)

I love my son

Delay

 I am not sure he is telling the truth..or lying..Detox called..now it is monday. I am not going to go into great detail but he landed here..wanting money..a place to stay..would not leave..crying..he is going to kill himself..we don't care about him..we are liars when we say we will support him..on & on..Finally after 30 mins of this, My hubby got him out..with the warning next time..police would be called...The end..

Hurricane Gabrielle

 As we deal with the remnants of Gabrielle today,I think, I am also dealing with the stormy conditions in my son's life,By NOT dealing with them.

 He informed me he has a bed at detox on Sunday.I wished him well,Hoped he completed it this time and perhaps enter their outpatient program.Leave his ego at the door and let the Professionals try and help him,since self- help keeps on failing.I think after almost 6 years it is time to change it up a wee bit.

 It is so difficult not to say if you need anything Just call...But we know only to well he has to be the one to embrace recovery.All we can do is sit on the sidelines and offer the kind of support that will benefit him.

  He is in bad shape and the behaviors are all too familiar.Nothing we say at this point computes,It is all about him and how to get that next fix.There is always hope this time he will be successful...yes?

    So batten down the hatches, we are in for a rough ride!!

Big Boy Decisions

 Decision making,Why when he is using , he is always able to make decision's ( Now they are poor ones), But incapable in making those decision's that will keep him clean ? Why does he always know it all ,and refuse to reach out for something different that may help,as the paths he has chosen thus far, in reaching a lengthy recovery have not been successful.What goes on in that brain of his??

 This time he will have to live or die by the decision's he makes.We love him, but he has to love himself more and decide life over death.

Here We Go

 I knew in my heart a few weeks ago, that something was up with my son,past behaviors,that were now showing themselves,although subtly at first.The subtle signs increased this past week.This weekend,I couldn't deny them anymore.

 I did not bother to accuse or question him,he knew,I knew! Yesterday, he popped in at lunch when I was outside with the new puppy.Then, I heard him drive away without saying good-bye.Hmmm, I searched out my purse that I had hidden and yes,he stole money.I was so enraged,and sad.He told me was waiting for a bed at detox to help with the withdrawal from the methadone he was kicked off from.Obviously he couldn't wait.

  He risks alot this time as he never fully recovered from losses of his last session with actively using.And the hole gets deeper!!

I can't afford emotionally or monetarily to go down this road again with him.Sensing something was up a few weeks ago I had all the locks changed on the doors.Time to widen the "distance"...I hope and pray he does go to detox before he gets too far down this dark road.

 

The Battle of our Lives

 

 A very well written Article by Rose Barbour,Another Mother battling for change,Rose actually led the charge in our Province, bringing her son's plight with Addiction out into the open .With this move, she helped many other mothers ,like myself, realize that hiding the problem is NOT going to get us help & treatment for our children!!

The Battle Of Our Lives

Head Games

 It has been a rough few days.I am not sure if it is connected with my near miss on Monday or just fears,doubts or my head playing games with me.

 I am so trying to make that leap to the other side, where I can disconnect with the addiction and actually make it thro one week without dark thoughts entering.I know I am expecting to much,too soon, as I can't make it through one day and I may never.

  
 It is such an emotionally journey...It takes very little to make you feel almost high...and even less to pull you back down.I have got to find that even ground...for myself!! I have always been able to talk to myself,get my mind on other things and climb out,Lately tho it is taking longer and getting harder.

 I find I have no patience or empathy or understanding for my son these days.Which is not me!! And it scares me,I am lashing out more at him.My heart aches so badly..and at the moment I am not sure if it is for him..or me!!

 I hate..hate..hate..pity-party's and that is where I find myself,Swinging the stick and obliterating the pinata!!
I have no patience for self-pity,yet here I am!!

A Scary Ordeal

  Yesterday afternoon I decided to pop over to the instant teller a few blocks away.It is not in a bank ,but separate teller associated with the bank, but in a strip mall.I am one of those people who is always aware of their surroundings.As I approached the mall I noticed it was extremely void of cars due to it being Labour Day,however there was a Taxi sitting there in his car waiting for a call I assumed.As I carried on I noticed a kid ( probably about 19) cruising down the street on a bike ( a small bike,he looked huge on this bike).
  As I approached the door for the space the ATM is in I just had a chill come over me.The door had hardly closed as I had just reached one of the two ATM's,I heard the door being pushed open again.I looked around and there was the kid on the bike.As POA's we can spot them a mile away,and he was high on something,standing there,watching me,with a cell phone in his hand.A thousand scenario's went thro my mind what was going to happen next.The one sure thing was he was going to attempt to rob me.He was blocking the door,I was frozen in fear.
  Only on our small Island would you see a stack of Avon books placed next to the ATM for customers to take.I sure as hell wasn't going to take out money at this point, so I casually stood there at the instant teller,thumbing the pages the Avon magazine,while watching him on the mirror overhead,as he was watching me.I was praying for another car to pull up,someone else to walk in,anything to diffuse what was about to happen.I did manage to slip my car keys between my fingers to use as weapons If I needed to,I knew the taxi driver was still sitting there about a 100 feet away,I could scream!! A million things were whirling around in my mind,when out of the corner of my eye in the overhead mirror, was a white car pulling up,I was NEVER so relieved in my life.What happened next was unbelievable!!
  The doors of the car opened and out flew 2 police officers,the kid wasn't going anywhere as he was now trapped the same way he had trapped me,the only way out was the door the police were flying in thro!!
They grabbed him and one of the officers was escorting him out he turned to me and said " You stupid Cun#" ( god I HATE THAT WORD), I smiled through my tears and said nope..I am the Mamma of an addict.The other asked me if I was aware I was about to be robbed.Well I really started to cry and said yes,I knew..but I was stalling for time hoping someone would come along..And you did!!
   He explained this same kid had just stolen a wallet from a man at the Tim Horton's behind the mall..They got the call and were leaving to search for him when they spotted the bike and seen him thro the window. My Hero's!!  I am assuming the kid was angry because I did not take out the money,he would have grabbed it,be long gone by now,My fault he was caught!!
   The thoughts of what could have happen shook me to my toes.I managed to somehow make it home.It was there I really lost it.My god that could have been my son!! We see the devastation the drugs do our kids..we know they break the laws to get that next fix..I hope with all my being, he never put another person thro, what I experienced yesterday!!! Someone was looking out for me !!

 

Meet & Greet

  Although the yard sale was a bust...I met alot of nice people !
One in Particular made my day..my week!!
  When my boys were small they were notorious for dragging home stray animals..As they grew and entered elementary school..It started off bringing extra sandwiches to school for the kids who they noticed had nothing to eat.Then my oldest son figured out thro geometry how to fashion a cup out of paper...and packets of kool-aid were added.Clothes were given away,I was requested to knit hats and mitts.Then they graduated to bringing home the kids themselves!!
  I was and am always proud of my sons for seeing this need and stepping up to plate to help out.One in particular stole my heart,his home life really got to me and I was always relieved to see his little face walk in my door.Sometimes he would land at our house late at night because his mom wasn't home and he was scared...or mom had a boyfriend over..and he was scared.I always knew he was safe if he was with us and obviously he did too.Eventually his mom moved out of the area,he changed schools and I never heard or saw this little boy again.
  While fighting off the crowds at the yard sale I decided to go for groceries. As I walked past one of the tables I heard my name being called " Mamma P ".I turned and looked and did not recognize the caller..nor his wife..or 3 kids. He obviously read this on my face and introduced himself.It was him,the boy who disappeared!! Needless to say it made my day.He is now an electrician,his wife a nurse and the proud papa of 3 wee ones.As he went down memory lane with his wife, telling her all the time he spent at this house, I noticed someone else had disappeared. I learned his mamma was a drug addict..Explains his situation at the time.Although coming from a rough upbringing he rose above it and is doing well...very well!! He also told me he ran into my son a few months ago,not in good shape...and offered to help him,he refused.I now knew why the disappearing act.He gave me his number...he is also a member of NA and offered to be my son's sponsor if he made that step to recovery...This was a good kinda Karma :)

P.S..Dr.Spock did not sell..He is now in the garbage!!