Thursday, August 29, 2013

Yard Sale

  After thinking about it I have agreed to let my son & girlfriend have their Yard Sale at our home,for purely selfish reasons,clean out my own house!! I am going to look at it as, a kind therapy..ridding myself of no..things in my life I no longer want..or need!! A Cleansing !!

  Hubby was asked to make up a budget for my, my !! Perhaps a start in becoming a responsible adult???
I am going to continue thinking on these positive train of thoughts..despite that little dark voice deep inside that keeps whispering "your setting yourself up." Shhhhhhhhh... It is still way to early in his recovery to silence that voice...I'm not sure If I ever will...sad...but True!

  I have come along way in my own recovery..Will I ever be healed fully..I doubt it..There are some images I do not think I will ever get out of my head..I may be able to put them up high on a  shelf...But if I look Wayyyyyyy Up..They are still there. I am however working on my own peace. I am not a high maintenance gal,Simple things in life make me happy.                                                         The one thing for me, that made such a difference was knowing I was not alone.Making that initial step to reach out for help to another Mamma was my lifesaver!!                                                                                 Starting this blog was the second step...Not so much in what I write, but it opened a whole new direction of learning by reading other Parents blogs!!  Reinforcing even further, that parents from all over the world, in agonizing high numbers, are enduring this Journey with  me.
  I have learned there is no guidebook for addiction..there are however certain No's No's that do work..Others vary with the circumstance you find yourself in...Knowing your own child before this monster stole them away,eg: did have they other issues before addiction,Mental..intellectual...physical...emotional illnesses.What works for one parent...may not work for you...Trial and error..No different than your own child's Journey...What treatment works for one...Does not always work for another. If the plan doesn't work..Change the plan..But never give up hope..And never..never..think you are alone!!!

Anyone want to buy a well used..outdated version Of Doctor Spock's Baby Book on how to raise A well adjusted Baby to Adult hood!!!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Another Day..Another Dollar

 It happens routinely in our lives,what starts out as a good day...can turn on a dime.
This was my day yesterday.The panic & fear within my son are setting in big time !
And possibly, some not so good behaviors are returning, perhaps a premonition of what is too come..I hope not..God I hope not!!

He arrived after work and one look at him I knew...This was going to be a battle.
In a short 15 minutes he rambled on & on...covering at the least 10 different topics...all negatives.
He wasn't going to be able to do this..he needed his methadone increased...withdrawals & working was too much!
Work was sucking..Tired of watching others who did not have the seniority ,get full time jobs over him !
They had no money for groceries..neither he ,or his girlfriend got full checks yet, as they keep 1 week back. Bills were backed up,After they were paid,They were broke,Are broke.
She spent 150.00 on a hair cut.
He has no credit.
Work would be over in Dec. and then what???
His life sucked
He may have to move home! ( nope).
Could we lend them 100.00 to help with the shortfall for rent ( nope).
50.00 for groceries ( nope).
40.00 for gas ( nope).
What's for supper ? Can I take some with me ( yep)
Can you lend me 5.00 for lunch Tomorrow ? ( nope)
 It was at this point I began to sing my" Bubble Guppy" song.( cartoon show on TV)
" Line up everybody..Line up"
Outside everybody..Outside" ( my grandaughter's fav )
My son's cue to leave, before I lose it.
He left.
I went for a nap.Might as well stayed up, because all I thought about was how can I help him...I can't..He needs to fly on his own,work on his own demons...figure it out himself. Just when I thought he was making progress...hopefully things will be better today...hopefully yesterday was just a bad day...hopefully...

Latest: Just got off the phone with you know who..ummm it's 7:00!!
Brainstorm...They are having a yard sale to raise money to pay for their shortfalls...I have to give them credit for at least thinking of options!! Bad news..Always a downside..It's going to be at....Yep...MY HOUSE!!! More traffic..In Town..More people=More money...Oh I can't wait till hubby arises and hears this!! 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Que Sera Sera

 Well, we finally got a date to meet privately with the Government Officials and Committee Members to voice our concerns,tell our story and hopefully open their minds & eyes. The problem is...we have only 20 minutes!!! I am thinking hubby & I will have to work closely on this one.I tend to ramble..speak with emotion,my god if I start to cry, I could use up all 20 minutes in tears!! He on the other hand can get his point across in one word. So I will have to write everything down I want to say and have him condense it for me.Oh my Sweet Jesus tho, I have much I want to say and 20 mins will not cut it!!

 So many topics...So little time...                                                                        Do I hit on the areas of treatment lacking for all our children,or only those that apply to our situation.My fear on this issue is all talk at the moment is pointing toward youth addiction.My son being 25 is no longer eligible for any treatment geared toward the youth ( 18-24).Even tho his brain still works at a teenager level!!

 Do I tell Our Story..risk losing it, as I share the hell we have been thro this past 5 years.Showing the impact on the families,emotionally,mentally,physically & financially..tug perhaps at their heartstrings ??

Do I strike out at their pocket book ( where the answers always seem to be..sorry we have no money).
I have done my homework and know that money invested in Addiction treatment, is much cheaper in the long run and short term then housing our children in prisons and Jails!

Do I dare Challenge their commitment to addiction...Oh don't get me started on that!! Their broken promises etc.

Do I remain courteous and polite...Or let loose like the mad Mamma I am !!

Do I go into Addiction is a disease..and deserves the best possible treatment like any other disease!!

Do I go armed with facts and figures..Pick any of our daily newspapers,surely then can read right ????

I have time to prepare,decide,seek input from others..

What I don't want to do is blow this chance!!...I want to make our voice heard..I want them to remember us..I want them to whisper when we leave " Wow".I also want to be the skinny blonde I was at 30!!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Make or Break

   This is my son's last week on methadone.He starts on 5 mg for one week then...nothing.Having watched him go thro withdrawals for the last 30 days has been difficult and yet the worst is yet to come.
Ask me about rapid methadone tapering.It sucks & my feeling is, it is inhumane.But I am only an observer & his Mamma.

I have heard him say I can't do this many times over the past month...But he did!!

   He is at a crossroads now...This is the make it..or break it point.He called last night with fear in his voice.Mamma I don't think I can do this.This last week was so bad.I can't afford to take time off work & yet my body is hurting so bad.Work is all I have at the moment.
Oh I have the that Gut feeling in my stomach,I gave him positive words of encouragement,what else could I do??? nothing...he has to do it!!

    His plan is to Call the Doctor,get something more in his arsenal for the withdrawals.This also scares me...just what he needs..more pills..I have to trust the doctor will make the right decision and only prescribe a short term dose of whatever or if he gives him anything at all.

    I am again battling my own feelings,My heart vs My head.I hate this place,I hate Addiction!!
I know I have to look after me!! ( easy to write it, but so hard to do it)   I have to remember the addict behavior,that almost killed me,killed him!!
I have to remember that loving him with all my being, was not or will not , ever be enough to help him on this journey.
I have to remember that this is all part of his recovery,not mine.
I have to remember....



Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Am An Addict


“I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.

You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

Until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do”. 


While reading another Mother's  facebook page I came across this poem.It hit me very hard,although it is difficult to read..even harder to get your head around,It is sooo true.I am not sure If reading it in my son's early years of addiction, I would have actually believed it...Or actually read it!! I can honestly say it sure hits home now!!!
Although it makes me sad to read,It is the reality for many of us that love our children and question why love is not enough to "fix" our children.Our Children are in there somewhere,hopefully they will find their path back to us.....Hugggs

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly,however this morning It was a good kinda shock!!
In he walked ,as he does every morning before work,"Morning Mamma". I looked up and he was smiling..With his infectious grin,that I have not seen in many... many months,Spreading across his face like the Cheshire Cat. I was so taken by his grin I did not notice he had something in his hand...He waved it in front of me then I noticed...I waited for the words.."Mamma,Here's the money for my work boots you lent me..I told you I would pay you back." ( this is where you pick me up off the floor).Yes I grabbed it quickly...Stuffed it in my pocket and said thanks!!! Off he went to work...I asked my hubby to run to the window and see if he was coming back..if he was really gone..was he coming back in...I then held it up to the window...was it real???

In the grand scheme of things this would be small potatoes to most people..It was a Biggie to me!!!
The amount was not important... although it was actually the amount I paid for the boots.It was a step in the right direction in his recovery,another step.

It is still early in the day..and as POA's (another new word I learned on my Journey) know only to well,Alot could still happen in this day, It is a Great start tho!!

Those Damn boots, that caused so much stress between hubby and I,proved to be a good investment!!
Did I grin at hubby??
Ohhhh you bet I did ;)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A Rough Week

Although the Sun was out,the wind was strong and the ocean showed us her angry side with rough sea's.The Seagulls and shorebirds struggled to fly.. The Crabs crashed on the rocks..My Eagle had no problem tho..he soared each morning like the majestic creature he is...diving into the large white capped waves for breakfast..Even my little hummingbird managed to humm along for his mornings of sugar water treats...he never faltered..the feeder was almost turning upside in the wind and he just adjusted himself..and drank on..Then yesterday the water was calm..all was back to normal..It was then I caught sight of a head bobbing in the calm ocean...then another...The seals returned...brought a smile to face.

My Son's week was rough also..He is now tapered down to 15( he decided not to "Jump") on his methadone...Very rough withdrawals..He called the first day of our cottage time,wanting, of course, me to call the Dr.and ask him for some meds to help with the symptoms of withdrawal.I refused..Not because my heart didn't want to, but because my head said no!!My words of advice have the an honest with him...see what happens.This is your responsibilty.

A few days later he called back..he is giving him some meds to help...He also reached out to the addiction treatment center for some counseling ( OMFG)... So far he is faring much like the eagle &  my wee hummingbird..he is weathering the storm.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Locked & Loaded

Another week at the Cottage coming up. This time with Hubby...It is always a welcome respite. My son will not be able pop in as easily..a I am praying for sun & warmth!

It has been a week of ups & downs But I made it thro.It will the first anniversary of my sweet dad's passing on Sunday,hard to believe,he is so missed! No word yet on my 3 month cancer check-up..positive thinking tho that it will be clean!! 

I am blessed in so many ways..and have so much to look forward too..gotta keep your eye and mind on the positives and avoid the pity-parties( I do allow myself one every now and again ;)...That's what gets you thro those difficult days.

Next month I am awaiting the arrival of my new Puppy...I am so excited!!
October I am leaving on a jet plane to spend time with my grandchildren while their parents get some much deserved alone time for 10 glorious days of vacation in California...We will have a ball!!

I have 6 books packed to read...a few trashy on addiction...and a few self-help...Maybe I should pack a few extra trashy one's!! Got my I-pod packed..Bob Seger take me away!! and some Godiva chocolates!!

I will not let anything spoil this week...
I am strong..I am woman..hear me Roaaaaaaaaaaar!!

May The Beach Be With You..xo 


Thursday, August 8, 2013

10 choices you'll regret in 10 years

10 Decisions You Will Regret in 10 Years
“If only…”  These two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
Here are ten choices that ultimately lead to this phrase of regret, and how to elude them:
  1. Wearing a mask to impress others. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people.  Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
  2. Letting someone else create your dreams for you. – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.  A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams.  Do you have people who disagree with you?  Good.  It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path.  Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.
  3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don’t let them get to you.  They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun.  When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
  4. Being selfish and egotistical. – A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone.  Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired.  So carve your name on hearts, not stone.  What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
  5. Avoiding change and growth. – If you want to know your past look into your present conditions.  If you want to know your future look into your present actions.  You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back.  If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success.  The Power of Habit.
  6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There are no failures, just results.  Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up.  Learn what you can and move on.  The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end.  Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory.  It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
  7. Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled.    Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
  8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t settle.
  9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. – The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do.  But one day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t.  Read The Last Lecture.
  10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone, not a wishbone.  Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  You are important and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.
  11. I really liked this article....I am posting it here to remind myself to continue to work on me....

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


I am learning so many new things on this Journey..Many I wish I didn't.Today's new word is" Jump"...Not the Meaning I am familiar with" When I say ask how high." The drug term Jump...Meaning when you are tapering down from or illegal and you want to stop the taper..You Jump!!

I am not jumping for joy over this new word but this my son's new plan...Today.I was surprised at his reaction to the news of the tapering continuing...Yes there was some drama..But not nearly as much as I had anticipated or had prepared for!!

The withdrawals from methadone can be nasty..depending on the dose..and the amount of time you were on it.A slow controlled taper is better..his is a rapid taper..Then there is a blind taper..see all the new things I am learning!!!

Sooooo here's the plan...once he reaches 20 he is going to more the side effects will be the same at they will be at 20...waiting will just lengthen the withdrawals..Methadone has a long " shelf " life in the body..thus a longer withdrawal.

Now, do not quote me on any of this...This is his plan..his research.He is getting a few things to help him thro this while he still remains working, ativan & clonidine. Scares the hell out of me...and I am not jumping. I do have to give him credit for getting a "plan",researching it...It is step toward recovery right ?

In the meantime "I" have packed a parachute in case "I" am the one that has to " Jump"!!!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Stick A fork In Me,I'm Done

No...That was the Doc's how..nope.. Never..however you put it, he is not taking him back in the program.I could not in all sincerity put up a battle strong enough to convince him, to give him another chance.He has been very patient with him over the years.He is not an easy child to deal with period.He told me he uses when he is on the methadone anyway,always trying to manipulate the dosage..Just barges in appointment..Bully's the pharmacist into calling him for increases.Always an excuse for the dirty pee tests...never his fault..always excuses..He took him back this last time even when detox told him not to as he never finished the detox...he gave him his last chance... He never Learns or listens...He has to take responsibility for his own actions..his own recovery..The waiting list is too long with people wanting the program that deserve a chance when my son has had 4 kicks at the can...enough is enough...If he is struggling with drug sickness...go to the program..for once give it a try and follow some initiative on his part.Period.

I had a hard evening & night thinking about what was going to happen to him...would he start using hard again...would he go to detox..would he die...When he popped in this morning before work to try & wrangle change off me & informed me it was "My" fault he wouldn't take him back into the program,That I didn't try hard enough( scream,cry & beg).. I Didn't say the right things( Lie)..I realized he still doesn't get it...maybe never will..But I have to get It..I have to be healthy for other own life, I have to get it!!!! PERIOD

Monday, August 5, 2013

Down Down Down

After another stint at the shore,I am supposed to come home rested & relaxed..Be one with Nature.Instead I am planning a visit to the doctor to discuss my son's Methadone tapering...Which is way to fast!!

He came out to visit,it was planned. We went for a walk along the beach, He talked about his plans for future, ( OMG he thinks he would like to be a private detective). I never bit,I really did not want to know why, I was just happy to hear he was actually thinking about his future!!

Enter a torrential rainstorm, A real one,Not me ranting.By the time we made it back to cottage we were like drowned rats.My patio furniture was strewn all over the place,The wind was whipping it around like doll furniture..lightening was forking...Then I heard a voice say " Mamma you go in and get dry..I'll get this"..I looked up to the sky...I actually thought it was God speaking to me!! It wasn't..It was my son!!!! The same son who 3 weeks ago called me the worst Mother in world..I ran for the door! We then enjoyed a really nice evening of watching video's...I thought he said they were the first 3 series of " Heartland"...A nice family tv show about horses & cowboys...No..It was "Southland"...A cop show about about drugs..murders..etc.The important thing is we spent a nice evening munching on nacho's & watching "Southland"...

I heard the first fit of sneezing about 4am.This was only going to get worse..and it did..much worse..By 6am. he was deadly sick...throwing up..diarrhea..sneezing..runny nose..withdrawals..I knew he was being tapered down on his methadone...I knew it was going to hurt...But this was horrid...his legs couldn't keep still..he was a mess..Then he told me this happens every night!!!! The taper went from 60 week one...50 week 2...40 week 3..and on this Tuesday down to 30..down 10 every week...I did my homework...Most tapers need to be 5..for at least a few weeks..give his body time to adjust...He said the methadone wears off the same time every night..This was killing me.I think this is wrong.I am no doctor..But I am a nurse and this is just not right. When he left to go to town for his methadone I phoned the pharmacy to talk..The pharmacist said he also was worried.He told my son to contact the doctor But he was on holiday..and would be back Monday.So this is Monday.I will tag along just to add my voice of concern.Normally I would not interfer but the fact that he has been suffering like this for 2 weeks..never once complained to me.. never used it as excuse to use...tells me something..maybe not a Epiphany..but a wee bit of hope...maybe he is serious this time..Maybe..