Sunday, June 23, 2013


A much needed vacation at the cable..No serenity..2 weeks of healing..I hope!!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Cotton Fever

Cotton Fever..A new medical term for me...Never learned this one!!
I was however, introduced to it last night.When my son showed up at the door..Shaking violently...Fever of 104...ER doc knew right away..I thought he OD...
As Described by Wikipedia:
 Cotton fever is a syndrome that is often associated with intravenous drug use, specifically the use of cotton to filter drugs like heroin.[1] The cause of the condition has been established to be the endotoxin shed by the bacteria Enterobacter agglomerans which colonizes cotton plants.[2] A condition very similar to cotton fever was described in the early 1940s among cotton-farm workers. The term cotton fever was coined in 1975 after the syndrome was recognized in intravenous drug users. However, some sources have attributed the symptoms of cotton fever with simple sepsis occasioned by unsafe and unsanitary drug injection practices. This is borne out by the fact cotton fever occurs in equal spread with all injectable drug users, with various filter materials utilized.

My dear God,what does it take for him to stop??
Yes I struggled in wanting to let him stay here...I almost gave in till the manipulation started...And he said " It will be your fault if I die"
He did not know what was happening to him..I did not know..One more step toward him reaching for that rope and pulling himself out??
He is now homeless...How can detox reach him if he has no phone?
Give them mine...Check in with me each day..I will pass on the message and take you there when a bed opens up...Selling his possessions now for money.My heart is broken..My head is constantly aching with worry... He is sick..He has a disease..He is so far down, does he have enough sense to grab that rope??
Do I pull him out? Does it matter how he gets out of the hole..As long he gets out?? 
So many Blogs I have read..So many different theory's...In the end I guess It comes down to what hasn't worked..So no sense repeating what Did not work before...I only know these next 2 weeks are for my Oldest son..My grandbabee...For Me...



Friday, June 21, 2013

Man's Best Friend

In this case, Woman's best friend. My big old dog is dying...He will be 13 next month and is full of cancer.He is not in pain...still eats like a horse...torments the cats..And listens to my secrets.
He is my protector...Always puts himself between my son & I when he comes by for a visit...whether he senses my tenseness when he comes to visit or gets a scent of something..No matter where he is when my son comes calling..My dog does also.I know this will be his last summer at the cottage..He has had a great life..I spoiled him rotten...He walked me almost everyday for these 13 years ( he weighs 82 lbs).He listened to my secrets..licked away my tears...snuggled in close when I didn't even know I needed it...And yes..sleeps with us...No crates for this boy!! He was a junk Yard dog when we got him..His Mamma was a guard Dog at a Junk Yard.He was the runt..I am always cheering on the underdog..trying to save them...Well he was my pick...he near died the first weekend we got him..and being a Holiday I could not get him to Vet...I put all my nursing skills to use and managed to keep him alive till we got to the VET...From that day on he never left my side. He was & Is a one woman Dog...My Dog..It makes me sad to think I will soon lose my best friend...Seems like a common theme these days..Losses...

Thursday, June 20, 2013

12 step ?

As I prepare this week for a 2 week respite,vacation,me time,Nanny time,whatever it is,I have been reflecting on this journey.The one thing I noticed..both in my blog,my thoughts,and more importantly my actions,I have actually been following the 12 step program without even knowing it!!! Last night I was packing up some of my dad's things I had never got around too doing, when I came across some of his chips he had received at AA. Along with the serenity prayer and a pamphlet on the 12 step program.We always had the prayer hanging somewhere in the house..and although I did not think I noticed it that much, as I pulled it out of the box, I recited the whole thing from memory.Is it divine intervention...Who knows,But it made me think!! I know I am healing..although very slowly..embracing the fact I am powerless over my Son's addiction..Taken responsibility for actions I thought were helpful,which were not.All part of my recovery process.
Do I believe I will ever get fully recovered..Hell no! I am who I am..His Mamma..BUT I do believe, I will someday ,get to that place where it does not consume every waking hour and my nightmares...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Take Two

After a productive morning of ripping out weeds from my gardens..More aggressively then needed I might add..Followed by a long walk in the sun..I was settling down with a good book,when the front door opened and in walked my son.
Happy Birthday Mamma!
Here he was,gift bag in hand..with 2 candles inside...
Like yesterday never happened!!
This is nothing new however...Since he was able to talk..his motto has always been..what is done is done..No sense in holding grudges..Not sure if this is because of the ADHD, and so many Ideas..plans.. thoughts..have just spun so quickly through his mind, It seems like the upset has happened months ago !! It also Prevents him from taking any responsibility for his actions. I let yesterday go..It was just not a battle I was willing to rehash today.
 I thanked him...
Waiting for the next thought to drop out of his brain, I wasn't prepared for what I heard next. "I do know I have drug addiction problems"..and yes "I am addicted to opiates"..and yes "I need help".
 Took me a few minutes to respond..I couldn't believe what I was hearing..I wasn't prepared for this ( considering I had never heard those words from him before)!! My response kinda went like this..I think..I am still in shock!! I am very happy to hear this..So what is your plan?
Well I have reapplied to enter Detox
I have some legal issues to clear up( some biggies)
I am going to the Dr tomorrow to Actually get a script for a infection, and, also to ask if I can get back on into Methadone program.
It is a great Plan !! Do not get to far ahead of yourself..Take it one Issue at time or you will get overwhelmed.
Off he went..
Needless to say all these things were music to my ears..I will however, not let my guard down, But remain cautiously optomistic.
You just never know what tomorrow will bring..One Day at a time!!
It was a good day!!! 



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Throw Mamma from the Train!

 This was the title of a popular movie in the 80's starring Danny Devito & Billy Crystal..A Comedy.
 Well This Mamma wants off the Train..Throw me..Push Me...Just get me off this Addiction Train !!
What started Off as a quiet Day..Turned into a Train Wreck in a matter of Minutes!!
A Short visit from my son can cause that ! Started off well..Happy Birthday Mamma !! Wow Thanks..I appreciated the thought & visit..Went off track from that moment on ! Could you lend me 40.00 ? Should have ushered him out the door then but, noooooo, I had ask what he needed it for? Gas for his car & he has an infection..Doctor gave him a script for antibiotics..If I hadn't heard this same story Numerous times before I might have been sucked in...Tell you What..Give me the script and I will go and get it filled for you ! No Problem..So off he went to his Car ( OMG he is really sick!!)...Came back empty handed...I must have left it at the apartment..Unh Hunh..Well you go and get it..bring it back..I'll go and get it filled!!
All done with a smile I might add..While my insides were bursting with sadness & rage!! Times up..we are at the train station..Time to disembark...After a few chosen curse words from him..How "I" was the worst Mamma ever born.."I" did not want to help him...Off he went. He never did return with the script..He also floored it up the street with his car..lots of gas for that!! Happy Birthday Mamma !
 This time last year I would have given in...And off he would have gone to purchase drugs..Not today Babee !! Lies & manipulation do not work anymore.The sooner he gets that, the sooner he perhaps will reach out for real help...I can always hope this time next year he will actually be celebrating my Birthday with us..There is always hope!
 I kinda felt like the part in the story, I used to read to my boys when they were small.." The little Engine that Could"
I think I can..I think I can..


Monday, June 17, 2013


 Denial as Described in the Webster's dictionary is as follows : Is asserting that a statement or allegation is not true. To say we haven't all been there at some point in our lives would be an untruth. I remember the first time I actually studied the word " Denial" It was in A Nursing Course I was taking on " Death & Dying".It was there I was introduced to Helen Kubler Ross's Five stages of Grief Model.
The first stage being Denial,Although I truly Believe all 5 stages directly apply to Addiction also.I then read Anna Freud's research on Denial and same thing..Could easily be applied to Addiction.

One of the reasons We decided to openly talk about our son's addiction..Not just with Family..but friends..Politicians..anyone who will listen actually, was because of this one little word ," Denial". It is a tiny word but a very powerful one.For our son, I feel, it is what is keeping him from recovery, in a healthy way.He denies he has an addiction problem! He has told us many times..I am not an Addict..I am not like those people on the streets..No one knows I use..They do now!!

It has held him back from taking that first crucial step...and thus learning how to effectively manage his own addiction and recovery.

Whether it was right or wrong it was one of reasons we decided to bring this issue out into the open.Kinda nudge him out of denial and into acceptance.We risk alot by doing this...perhaps even losing our son by his continued denial..Anger toward us...It is a risk we have to take, because nothing else seems to be working ! It is a daily internal battle for us..His Addiction..We continually second guess ourselves...It is hard..

Sunday, June 16, 2013

To My Father

The Firsts' of everything without you hurts so deep,
This Day is so far the worst for me..
The One Day I loved to Celebrate You!
You, My sweet Dad, My Hero, My Friend.
I see you everywhere,everyday,In everything I do..

It is the little things I miss
Seeing the twinkle in those eyes,
Treats in brown paper bags
Stories Embellished with your own special twist
Bouquets of Sea Heather
Freshly picked in the Damp Evening Mist...

No Harvard degree,But a Professor of life
Your teachings were varied,all taught with love
Patience with me..As I would struggle to learn..
The Lessons of life
Or the Inner workings of my car
You guided me with those little hands
I still hear your wisdom even tho from A-Far. 

The Adventures we had..Throughout the years.
You made them exciting, Being by my Side
Peeking in windows on christmas morn.
To catch your first grandsons, first words of  glee.
Let's go for Ice cream...I remember you whispering
The Day Cancer Came knocking..To Visit me!

When it came knocking for you..I fell apart!!
You..Answered the door..But only a crack.
You weren't letting him in..You were Beating him Back.
With your Captains hat Poised always just right.
A spring in your step,A smile on your Face
Bring it on..The fight of your Life..

Some say you lost your Battle with Evil that day
I say you won cause you fought with your Life
Friends & Family..One last Gathering with you
Your Spirit...Embraced us I knew you were there!
My first Love,My Daddy,My Friend
Happy Father's Day..I know you are here..

  I was Born on " Father's Day "..My Dad always Said I was the best gift he ever got..I Think, he was "My" best gift, on my " Birthday"

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Province Wide Hearings planned on Addiction

 I would love to jump up and down and get quite excited about this announcement Province wide hearings planned in Sept/Oct However, it just means a longer wait to get a Drug treatment Plan!! Again!
Does it show progress on our war with government to get adequate,seamless treatment for our Children ?
Yes... No.. We have heard this before..When It was announced on June 5 ,there would be a delay in releasing a report for a Drug Strategy Plan...I think most of us were actually Hoping..Praying..It would be an announcement of substance...Not More studies,hearings, Call it what you like.. it is simply another delay tactic of government to ignore our pleas for help and Ignore the the reports of  the Experts & Medical Professionals in the Field of Drug Addiction!
 In the last 3 weeks alone,there has been discussions..stats..pleads..Newspaper articles..Indicating the epidemic we are in here on " The Gentle Island"..What a Oxymoron that Adjective is!!!
The Judicial System speaks out daily in our Newspapers...Sadly in form of sentencing our children for crimes all drug related. Just in the last month I have watched their Statements in sentencing change drastically..
Get help for any underlying addiction issues
Seek help,from what is available for your addiction issues.
I wish I could sentence you to a curative sentence..but I can't.
The Medical Profession issues warnings:

Rates of Hepatitis C double in P.E.I.

Deputy chief health officer Dr. Lamont Sweet says hepatitis C numbers are rising in Prince Edward Island.
Published on June 12, 2013

Addiction Specialists Speak Out:

Addictions East manager Darren O'Handley-  All 160 spots in the provincial methadone treatment program are full. There are 140 people on the waiting list, and there's no queue jumping.

A P.E.I. doctor who treats people with addictions is urging government to pay for an alternative to methadone.
Dr. Don Ling told CBC News Suboxone can be a more effective treatment, particularly when used by young adults. 

Youth Addictions Program - The Strength Program

More than half the young people who've participated in the PEI government's youth addictions program called the "Strength program" have relapsed. Health Minister Doug Currie said PEI needs a to deal with the growing problem of opioid addiction.

 Families: break the Silence Barrier to get help for their Children.
Living in The Shadows on Prince Edward Island 

Police Services: Attempt to Help.
 A police officer patrolling a Charlottetown high school will roam the halls a little longer thanks to fundraising efforts at the school.

 I could go on & on But hopefully you get the picture..We are in a epidemic!! Our Children are dying..waiting for a treatment program!! Make no mistake about..they ARE dying!! And how many more will die waiting for more hearings...How much more info do you need!! How many more studies..How many more hearings..
How many more lives ruined...We will happily meet with you..Share with you our experience with this Nightmare of Addiction..The roadblocks..pitfalls..losses..frustration..sorrow..In seeking help for our son..Addiction is not "one size fits all "..But the one thing that is common among All Addicts is When they reach for help..It has to be readily Available..Not be put on a 3 month waiting list..those 3 months can mean death!!

Friday, June 14, 2013

No Girls Allowed

In the Case of our children dealing with Addiction,whether it be in the active using stage or the recovery stage of their illness,Girlfriends ( As in our Case) Can have either have a supportive role Or the role of Saboteur.

What we have found as parents,In our experience...If our son is actively using and brings home a new girlfriend for us to meet..Chances are she is also dealing with substance abuse problems.It took a few long years to actually grasp this.You really want to believe the best.She is clean..Loves our son..Will be a good influence on him.. his words(" She does not use therefore she will be & has been good for me).You want to believe those words.Chances are he is lying..she is are then dealing with 2 people with addiction issues & all the Drama that accompanies that relationship...Not good. However you do have remember that they also have a disease..needs treatment..Just do not be pulled into the role of trying to help both of them...You have enough on your hands!!

When our son is clean & introduces a new girlfriend..Same scenario..Only to find out she is a recreational/Occasional user...once a month..nothing serious..Really??? This could be and has been the catalyst..the trigger..that could..very easily start his active using again. You find yourself back in the Drama again.

What have we learned ? Unless he has his act together totally..embraced recovery..understands his disease...Research tells us that it takes a least a year of being clean,along with the understanding of his disease,himself,rebuilds his self esteem..etc..They are not ready for a committed relationship. I am sure there are exceptions to this rule..For example..a girlfriend who truly has no addiction issues,I am sure could be a positive role model ..As long as she is fully aware of this disease! We want nothing more..Like every Parent, to see our son have a normal life...successes in all aspects of his life including a loving partnership. Until he realizes he needs help...seeks treatment ( providing the treatment is readily available) on himself..This sadly is not possible.

We have learned to distance ourselves from these relationships..We have to , for our recovery..It is enough to be supportive to our son in his journey to recovery..without added stress of another toxic relationship.Sooo
No we do not want meet her...The moment this happens we are opening our door !
When you are serious about your addiction...staying clean...well on the road recovery...You can bring her by for a" meet & greet"..Until then..sorry..No Girls Allowed!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Our son is back actively using again after only 8 days clean...The trigger..A court appearance..that did not go well..despite the fact he thought he could convince the Judge the charges were bogus..Oh what a state of mind our children have, when drugs mess with it... Judge gave him 10 days to get a lawyer( he had legal aide but he wants a "real" lawyer)...10 days to use and spiral back down..My hope was the judge would cite him for contempt for speaking out and keep him till his sentencing..did not happen.

How to keep him alive ,till then, is the question!!!!
I don't have the answer!!
2 month wait for another crack at detox...ridiculous.
No laws here that allow us to have him commited for his own safety..section 35 lacking!!
There is a stay away order in place..which both party's breached when he was clean...Pray & hope it is used now that, he is active again, if contact is made!!
Hope who he is staying with has enough brain cells to call the police..ambulance etc..if the need arises!!
He refuses to call us..after countless messages one will answer the door, even tho I know they are in there!! I even parked around the corner, out of sight, hoping he would try and sneak out after I left..corner him then..2 hours later..nothing.
After much discussion..tears..The only option to us is have him arrested ourselves..for what... we haven't figured out yet..BUT we had better do it soon..I have seen this quick spiral before..2 weeks ago!!
Not a pretty sight & I thought he was going to die that time!!
Do I see what I have written ??
The goal is to keep him alive till he enters the Justice system...Not what we had envisioned for our son when we spoke to him many years ago about setting goals. matter how wacky..welcomed!!

Monday, June 10, 2013


As parents of children with drug addiction issues,there has to be life outside of addiction. You cannot let this consume your whole being for existence. Yes you are always going to be their parent,Yes they are always going to have this disease,But you need to be healthy..Both physically & Emotionally. After all you have come up against one of most insidious diseases to deal with!

When there are other siblings involved ,it becomes even more important!! Especially if there are other factors in the mix,like in our family,the early diagnosis of ADHD.I always had guilt and worry that the ADHD had robbed my older son of time with me in the growing up years.Time that was spent dealing with his Brothers ADHD and all the problems that accompany it.Now Addiction has crept in.

I tried to shield my older son some of the details of his brother's addiction.Of course he knew it existed..some times were good..others no so much. The fact that he is 5 years older,Successful in his career,Has a family and lives away, all contributed to my belief that he did not need to know about his slide back into the active using part of his disease. He had been doing well.I did not want him to love his brother any less.I did not want him to worry or to visit his brothers problems on him & His family.I also did not want him to hate his brother for what his disease was also doing to us.However it is a Family Disease..Like it or not..It is here to stay.When it all came spiraling down..again..and I feared his brother,my son..was going to die I had to tell him what was unfolding,And how scared we were for his brother.Was he angry we hadn't told him what was brewing this past month?...Yes..Why didn't I tell him?..For all of the reasons above...There is a fine line between keeping siblings informed without drawing them in to the Chaos...

Yesterday when my son was here for a visit..Yes he is still Clean..I asked the Question.." What is the plan to stay on this road of recovery?" It is after all his responsibility..Get his life back on track.. reach out for counselling...NA...I had suggested perhaps taking a course..To help build his self confidence..keep him busy..Open more doors for employment..His answer was..I am not my brother..Where did that come from..From deep are not your brother..And if you had 15 brothers no two would be alike...You have to find your own niche..You have many skills your brother does not..Concentrate on those.He wants his brother to be proud of him..He looks up to him..Wants the things he has..He just has to work at and for them...

I hope they will be able to heal their relationship..together..with mutual respect..admiration & adults.
Even tho they will always be my little boys...they are young men now, Free to live their lives as they see fit. They will always be brothers...There is a bond matter how deep it sometimes is buried..It is there...

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Innocence Lost

                            No words needed..Just watch & Listen.

Saturday, June 8, 2013


After a brief visit yesterday from my son...He is still clean..How do I know ?
Sweating profusely
Bone pain
leg cramps
Yes, he also told me is clean..But to use Judge Judy's analogy of how to know when your teenager is lying..."when they open their Mouth" The same apply's to our children in the hands of addiction..But all the physical signs are there...And all he has to do is use once..and all this pain goes away...How powerful is that ??? How powerful is that urge to use when he is going through this agonizing pain ?? How powerful is that drug?? Opiates are one of the most difficult drugs to detox from... He is clean..."Mamma I am going to do this"...Where is he ? I did not ask...Did I want to relent and say you can stay home seeing him suffer Like that..You bet..But I also resisted the Urge..He assured me he is safe...&... Isolated...These symptoms can last 3-10 days.Today he would be on day 7. Each day they get a little less..This is the physical symptoms..This was yesterday...One Day at a time.

From my research..Lurking on Forums for Addictions..blogs etc I have learned a few tips to help him through the physical symptoms.
I had these on hand for when he returned from detox.
*Gatorade- to replenish his emancipated body with good stuff..vitamins..minerals etc..also to prevent dehydration.
*Melatonin to help with sleep..a "natural" sleep aid.
*Multi-vitamin supplement
*Water..lots of it
Our Family Dr.Was also going to give him a script for clonedine to help with restless legs..bone pain etc...He will have to do without that for now..He is seeing him Monday..If is still clean he may follow through with that medication.
 I told him how proud I was of him...He was doing the right thing..Yes it was hard..But He could do this!! Shared Lunch with him & Off he went...With lots of support..a hug..and positive Thoughts...We will continue to support & not enable him as long as he is clean.
It was both an Uplifting day & a day of internal conflict..Watching him leave...A day of resistance for both of us.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Section 35

I have come across this Law many times..on many blogs..and have pondered the what if's...It is not available to us in Canada...And not all states in the U.S. have it. It is however another option available to some. This is the Link to the Article which explains it Section 35 .

The Irony in this is we are so lacking, as A province, in All areas of Addiction that ARE available in other Provinces, I am reading about a law that is virtually unheard of in Canada!!

As Parents... we reach for anything to help our Children..and give us hope. Addiction is a Disease..If we Accept that..and it has been proven...Then why are we denied the best possible treatment ? From what I have learned it is unlike any other Disease in treatibility...Example, if you were told you had Cancer...You automatically seek out and receive the best possible Treatment for your type of Cancer..If the specialist for your type is out of province...Our health care system pays for this...If his recommendation of treatment is not Available to us in our home province...The health care system pays for you to receive it where it is Available...But not for the Disease of Addiction..Which is now at epidemic rates in our Province..The "Gentle Island".."The Cradle of the Waves"..The Home of our beloved Fictional Character " Anne "..All nice Adjectives to describe Our Home But It is also becoming known as one of the highest rates of Addiction Disease in Canada Per Capita.

I know..we know..there is no quick fix..we can't make them seek treatment...But I do know when they do have an epithany that they want help...Either it is not there..Or..They have to sit on the waiting list...sometimes for receive it...It is Just wrong !! Maybe we cannot or never will have a section 35 option, But we can & should have a treatment that is the Full Deal . One that transitions from one stage to another without being back on the streets, to the triggers and expected to stay clean for months, while waiting..waiting..waiting for their treatment to continue.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Walk Away

Do not communicate with your son when your Angry!!!!!
Walk Away...Take a walk...Go some place remote and scream...Go for a drive...But..Walk Away!!  Trying to communicate when your angry may make you feel good at the time..But like the Drug of choice..There are consequences to your Actions...For both you & your Child...Just walk..Cool off...Get a grip..Think through it more clearly..Then continue..

Yesterday Was A Test..Another Test..But an important one..For both of us..

My son left Detox...Not Discharged...Well he was sleeping all time anyway...He was being discharged Tomorrow anyway...They had no problem with it...They had no problem with me not attending the group sessions because I was sick & sleeping..But I did go to 1!!
Well I dismissed each one of these Lies..Illusions..Quickly !! And with each One he threw at Me I got Angrier & Angrier...And I exploded..Maybe a little louder & more animated then I should have...But I Did not React..Nor try to reason..Beg..Cry..But I was Angry & Sad...Nooo You are NOT staying here...I am sorry you have no place to stay...We were going work on a plan when you got your discharge day..We were going to Set out Rules & Guidelines IF that was what we were willing to do...Ummmm We never got there..sorry..The first criteria was you were to finish Detox!!
Sorry...Out you Go!!

This may seem harsh to many, But I am not going to reward this kind of behavior anymore. When you start a program..Finish.. At least give it a try!!!Take this seriously..prove to me you really do want the help & Support...We Are here !! But we have to at least get past the first step in your recovery!! You know our number..Give us call then..and only then!!
We did have a plan..we did have our rules ready..I did speak to his Dr. that day to see what we could to help without see what he could do to help him...IF he was discharged..We had his support system in place & ready to Fly...*&^% we never even got off the ground!!!!

What Happened ???
# 1 - He was not ready!
He was ready to get detoxed..that was A no brainer..he was going to die if he didn't..A Success of sorts that he realized that much!!
# 2- Location Location Location
This is a continuous intake center..small city..most, if not all know each other..Someone entered and shared with him stuff that was going on the outside that concerned him..."Trigger"..Only thought from then on
was I have to get out and handle this...No,Thought should have been..I need to handle me..That will be there when I get out!!
 So we will take the one success of actually getting to Detox..
We told him So..And That we loved Him..Get yourself a plan..short term..reach out to those who can help you achieve recovery!! Call Us let us know how recovery is you are helping yourself...We will support you any we can...



Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Family Doctor

 We are very fortunate to have a wonderful Family Doctor. He has been so, for many years.In fact I was his first patient when he first hung up his shingle. He knows me well !! In fact that very first Appt. was about my son and maybe he had ADHD..My son was 4.

  As the proud owner of a few wacky & weird Autoimmune Diseases, He got to the bottom of them..And if he did not know, he was not ashamed to admit and refer me on to someone who did. He does not have TheWhite Coat Syndrome.

  He has been an integral part of our Family's well Being. He knows when I call It is important, I do not abuse his time and he always squeezes me in to his busy schedule.When we became aware of how bad my son's addiction had become, I reached out to him. As Luck would have it, he was one a few Doctors that offered the Methadone Program. He immediately got him started. It wasn't until a little later in this journey, I realized just how selfless this act was. As he told me, he had no Idea what he getting into. He just knew they needed help and he was able to offer what he could do to help Our children. If you can't imagine the challenges of dealing with one child with addiction issues..There is no way you can imagine what he goes thro on a daily basis dealing with 50 !!! He is on my Hero List..

  Last year as my Dad was dying and I was trying to Juggle handling my emotional and physical health along with my Dad and my son's Addiction.. I went to him for help. I just need a little something to take the edge off..I do not want to be numbed or foggy. His answer was You are one of the strongest Women I know,You are my Poster Girl for Weird & Wacky Diseases And You will get through this....without any medication. I left there mad a wee bit..Then I realized in a clearer moment, I was strong..I would get through this, Maybe a little more battered & bruised...I just had to stay strong and head for the shore when I felt not so strong.The point being he could have very easily flipped out his pad and wrote me script for something mild..He did not..So make sure you have a good Family Doctor to help both you & your child through this..He/She can be a very important part of your team!!!
Thank-You, Dr.C
A Quote from another one of my Fav Dr.'s


Tuesday, June 4, 2013


  Not sure where my head or thoughts are this morning..Yesterday was a day of ups and downs..Just a typical day in our lives these past years...Good nights sleep knowing our son was in detox...I have learned that when we know something big is about to happen we try to plan ahead..stand united ...Prepare ourselves for the battle..Our thoughts have now switched to his recovery..Our role as supporters..without crossing that thin line of enabling.
  The first phone call That changed that discussion quickly was " Maama I can't do this,They don't know what their doing..etc..I gave him encouragement Only..Did not engage with this type of banter..Second phone call one hour later..Dad took this one..Doing great Dad..Eating..know lots of people..Can I talk to Mamma..No she is to you tomorrow. Hmmmm This left us both scratching or heads..We understand it is rough..both physical & mentally for him..we just were not prepared for how quickly this set in..So much for preparing !!
  The next phone call came from Family...How was he doing ? Our Oldest son. Told him the latest news.He was pleased to hear he chose detox..He is a smart man and knows the toll it is taking on all of us..He also is sometimes my reality check..He tells like it is..As we were talking a little more about it I wanted to end that topic with him..Move on to his life..His news..His well being ( sounded like he had a cold)..My Grandbabee !! Smile & laugh about her newest adventures..As I know she is the most beautiful & smartest child ever born..No greater Joy than being a Grandmother!! As I was Switching the topic I said well it has been a long 5 years lets hope this is starting him on a new path..Yes Mom..But it is more like 10 years! *Smack*..What did I consider the first 5 years...Just a stage ?..I needed That!!
  Next family member called..Started off well..Was happy he was in did we get him there ? I knew this was not going to be a healthy call for me.Well his Dad took Him..But he chose to go !! Think positive..And If he does not stay ? His Choice..Then What..You have to do something ?? My god where was this person for the past 5 years...You can't just let him continue do this...But your his mother..He needs help..I lost it...Tried to explain it was his disease..He had to take ownership..he had to reach out for the help...NO, calling the police and making them take him for help does not work..not their job..No taking him to ER by force will not Help either..They don't treat drug addiction at the ER.
  I am Truly trying to be patient with family and their genuine concern for our son..However I find myself isolating myself more & more from them just to avoid the conflicts that I know are going to arise Since we chose this path of "Letting go".I have to blame myself for some of this because I do attempt to educate them on addiction..and although they say they understand...They can't possibly..I have to remember Like my son..It does come down to choices...They can chose to remain ignorant about our situation or chose to just be supportive...And maybe it is my fault..yes blame yourself Mamma...Maybe I am not making myself clear when I say I need to talk you...How do they know I mean what I say...I really do just want to talk..get it off my chest...Get some love & encouraging words back.. not ridicule or questioning our Judgement . Perhaps I should just  talk to those that do understand..And keep my words to a minimum with those who do not.
 My Youngest brother called...He was unaware My Son was in  detox..Once I told him, his first words were " What can I do to help" . Music to my ears for 2 reasons...He has Asperger syndrome ...this is unusual because they lack empathy. Secondly, There was something he could do to help and he agreed.Most importantly for me were those 6 words " What can I do to help ".
Our son remains in Detox

Monday, June 3, 2013

From Within

It has been a very bad day of struggle within myself..I wish this on no parent...

Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Truth Seekers

  June has always been one of my favorite months... We survived another Cold winter. Everything is New....The Warmth of the sun..Fresh air from the opening of all windows..Aroma of our Linens off the line outside...Sounds of newly born birds..Waiting for their Mamma's to return to the nest with nourishment..Flowers bursting with color...This year I am eternally thankful for June because on this first Day of this Month, My Son entered Detox for the first time !!! It is the first time since his Addiction took over he actually reached out for this kind of help..Positive thoughts..Prayers..All Greatly Appreciated!!

   I have been preparing for this day for many years now...In my quest to seek out the Truths.. The answers of the In's & Outs of treatment..The Why's & What-Ifs...Resources..Lack of resources..When My son reached out for help I would be able to gently steer him in the right direction.

  It was an eye-opener to say the least !! I realize alot of work has to be done by him...And even more important it has to come within himself. But I firmly believe for most, the start of the recovery process is in the hands of the professionals..Which in our Area is severely lacking ! No I Mean SEVERELY Lacking !!

  One of the reasons I believe is because for years we hid behind our children And just hoping by the grace of god this too shall pass..It doesn't..It won't..It Can't ! Shame..Guilt...What will our think ??? All Our own Insecurity's as Parents. How can we, as parents, expect help to be available when we stay silent..Hide our Big secret...No one understands the pitfalls..The dangers..Like we do..And I do mean No One!! 

 I am sure there were many others thinking the same thing...But who was going to start sounding the alarm Bells..Who was going to be the first..The second..I talked a good talk..I am an early riser..up with the roosters..By the time my hubby gets up ,I have been up for hours..And by the time he reaches the kitchen table coffee & paper in hand, I am in need of a human voice to talk audience, to listen to all what I was doing when he was still deep in sleep..plans for the day..hopes for the future..Those few hours before the house awakens, is my time. Wellll... He wants peace & quiet.. He is not a morning person..As his Mother used to say about him when talking about her children " He was the Quiet One ".

  He is an Educator..I am a CareGiver..He is black & white..I am Gray...He is a pessimist..I am an optimist..He has Brains Galore..I have common sense...And never the two shall meet...How was I going to reach him.. that we needed help...He knew Our son needed help..But he believed this problem should not happen in Our Family..Well Babe..It did..And it is here to stay..Deal with it..Help bring it out in the open..Educate!! How was I going to get him there..Just keep talking..Keep educating him..keep interrupting his morning solitude..Keep pointing out the rises in crime by our children in the paper,he reads each morning...The Deaths caused by this hideous disease, in family's we knew!! The seizures of drugs off the streets...Off our children!!

   Osmosis...If I just keep yaking..he was getting the info..And He Did..But It wasn't until he read an article by a parent whose children he taught that he started to talk about it..Seen the courage it took her to bring it out in the open..Seek Changes..Save her son.. Not her Family's repution.She was saying everything I had said over the years..But he needed to see it in..Yep..Black & white..All in one place...Well, He read it..And I ran with it..I reached out to this woman...She was miles ahead of me in research...Even tho our son was Years ahead of hers in The Addiction Cycle...I never looked back..And I won't..I will use all her knowledge..I will pick her brain..I will reach out...And most importantly..I will stand Beside her in the "open" To Help our Children get the help they need..Our paths were meant to cross..Her blog is full of valuable information
..For Parents..For The public..For the lawmakers..Most importantly..For those living with addiction themselves. Her Blog is on my Blogroll..And on my computer..and in my click of the mouse and what I am looking for is there..Thank-you..Thank-you..thank-you..Rose..xoxox