I Lost a Friend

Not to drugs but to suicide.A common theme these past months on our small Island,mostly among our young people with addiction & mental health issues.Every parents nightmare.But this time it was the parent.A Beautiful soul who was a friend of mine for many years.

I knew her before the depression got a hold of her,As a kind, lovable,giving, nursing student,who had so much empathy it oozed from her.I also worked with her sister. Beth was the baby of her family and was always surrounded by unconditional love.Her nightmare began with many years of spousal abuse.She found the courage to leave and figured she was on the road to happiness.After a few years as an MLA in the government,giving back to the people in her community she was once again enveloped by the arms of Clinical Depression.She sought help,talked about it openly, to try and de stigmatize mental illness.

Last week the depression won,In a province with so many suicides and only half the required number of Mental Health specialists ,I fear we will lose a few more.1.5 years waiting for a mental health assessment is unacceptable on soooo many levels.

Unfortunately I was away at the time of Beth's death,and unable to attend her funeral.She will be greatly missed,not only by her family but by every life she touched,That's just who she was.

If ever there was an Earthly Angel,She held that title...

We will Laugh & Talk again Beth..xo

Is This His Time ?

Well here we go again,I hope & pray this is his time.Still no word if he will get an opportunity to get long term treatment,but not giving up hope..yet.The rest is up to him.I hope he embraces recovery this time.We will give him the opportunity to come back home to work his program and stay clean.Love & a safe place is all we have left to give him..I know you've heard it all before...and here are again.

Again I am heading off for a short visit with my Older son & Family...My Beautiful granddaughter's 2nd birthday..where does the time go..At least this time my hubby will not be left to deal with my son alone,a mini vacation for him also...xo

The Nightmare

I had a really bad sleep last night,the reason I am sure is because my son is entering detox again and the same fears and what if's creep in.

1.5 years ago my dad died,the day of his funeral,we the family were inside sharing a lunch with those that attended and sharing stories about my Dad.My husband approached me with a look of terror on his face.Apparently my youngest son was out at the grave,not crying,but filling it in shovel full..by shovel full.I went out to talk to him.He explained his grandfather would want him to do this..not some stranger.I went back inside and let him continue to do what he need to do,much to the shock of alot people.It was his way of showing his love,who am I to judge.

Well last night it was me filling in that grave,and it was my son's grave not my father's.I can still see that image today.What a true nightmare addiction is and for all involved.I have to keep fighting for better treatment to keep my mind busy on the positives and stop these images from creeping into not only my waking hours but now my dreams...I sang this song to both my son's when they were babies...and to my granddaughter today,I wish things were this simple today to bring calm & comfort to my son.

xo

A Different View

As I opened the morning paper today to read another Mother's Story of Loss..It hit me hard..I think I was still holding out hope her son would be found alive..My son will enter detox,yet again, on the weekend.Then what? I struggle continually with the Tough Love Theory...We tried that early on his life in dealing with his ADHD...It did not work..It certainly will not work now with an added Disease of Addiction.As I have mentioned before, the enabling I have down to a science.We do not enable anymore.I do however struggle with the decision to give him over to the streets, when he so desperately seeks & needs long term treatment.I know in my Heart I cannot do it.I will take him home after detox and support & advocate for further treatment for his addiction & mental Illness.

 This morning I received an e-mail from a young man that sealed my decision.He is now clean and has been in recovery for 7 years.He wrote... "MY" e-mail brought tears to his eyes as he remembered how his course of using and addiction affected his Mamma & Family,Ironically HIS brought tears to my eyes..Not only for the hope it gave me that recovery is possible..But it was the Love of his parents who never turned him out that he gives credit to for saving his life by allowing him to stay at home,It also allowed him to seek help.2 things he mentioned in his letter are worth sharing.
1.Remember even if you can't see it or feel it your son loves you and feels safe knowing you haven't given up believe me if he could,he would stop.
2. something my mother said when I asked her why she never slammed the door on me. Her response was what if that was the last time I saw you. What if my actions made you realize your life was so empty and it caused you to end your life, I would never forgive myself.

I truly believe this is a disease and thus should be treated as such..I would not turn him away if it was Cancer and I just can't turn him away now as he reaches for recovery.As I have said before there is no right or wrong answer in dealing with this...each person's story is different and what led them to recovery...We will see how this works if he is given the chance for proper treatment..Keep your fingers crossed & keep us in your prayers as he enters Detox again this weekend, that this will be his time when he reaches for recovery and succeeds...xoxo
 

A New Abode

The search is on for another place to stay.His current room mates( I say this lightly as he is sleeping in their storage room) are leaving the province.Just yesterday a friend(my guardian Angel) wrote in her blog about our children being homeless and the anguish , we as parents go through, having to turn them away.This was the topic of conversation at our home this weekend.

He still has another week in his cozy quarters but after that..he's out.It also is his last week of work.I honestly did not think he would make it..but he did.He managed to keep himself going by the grace of god,Mamma's taxi service and home cooked meals.( of course the week isn't over yet).He is then scheduled to enter detox,hopefully( I say this lightly) then a sober living home till he gets( or doesn't) a shot at Off Island treatment.

This is where things get dicey.What if there is no bed available at the sober-Living( 10)? This is where things got heated.Can I come home? This is where I may have turned a corner of sorts.Although he wanted an answer then,I told him that's now how I work anymore.I am only living in today and today I can't answer you.We will see how things work out with everything else in his plans and we will talk about it at that time.He pushed for an answer,he had to know,he couldn't have this on his mind for weeks...blah blah blah.The truth is I did not have an answer.He let it drop,for today.It was too easy,he never lets things drop without a drawn out fight.But I'll it take it for what it was,Drove him back to his apt and actually relaxed for the rest of the day with no further thought to the conversation( a feat in itself for me!!).

In previous attempts to come home it always ended with both of us upset.Yesterday it was just him.I lived in the moment,and for that day only...Where today take us..Who knows...This is what I truly love about my Guardian Angel,She is always there to bounce off and never,never Judges.You have to do what is best for you and your family..everyone's circumstances are different,there is no right or wrong,you do what feels right for you...Gotta love a friend like that..xoxo.I keep adding to my arsenal with bits & pieces from others who go down the same path,some worked,other's did not,It is such an Individual Journey with a common thread.Positive thoughts someday, my turn will come, when I write in my Blog, my son has been in recovery for 3 months,1 year,2 years,etc...xoxo

Today my thoughts are with another Family,Their son is missing,Suspected Suicide who struggled with Addiction with indequate treatment.This would be 2 this last week.I pray and think of them today...

Rememberance Day

I come from a long line of Veterans,who have fought all over the world.I am so proud.My Dad fought in Korea. Both my Grandfather's fought in WW1 & WW2 along side their sons.How awful that must of been for the mothers,both Husband & Son's gone off to war.They were made of strong stock,not only handling all the farm work at home & raising the children still at home,but the fear of getting that letter in the mail telling you, your husband or son is missing in action.                                                                                                                                                                               My Grandmother got such a letter,In heavy black type on an air mail letter,her son had given his life in Italy in 1943.He was her second born and the only one of 5 children that looked like her.He was 18 and very handsome,had a wonderful sense of humor, Loved his Mamma more than anything.He was popular with everyone and always went out of way to help someone else.In fact the day he was killed he was filling in for his brother, As a driver,for 4 Star General , when a Bomb struck their car.He & his best friend who was also in the car were instantly killed.The General and his staff survived.He wrote my Grandmother a very touching letter.It included the conversation he had with him about his much loved Island & his Mamma.
 It had been just a few short months before she had received a letter from him telling her the news.These letters were always upbeat & funny..But always ended with asking for money & Cigs..This last letter contained the news that he won a Medal, It was the Golden Gloves Medal for Boxing ! He hadn't told her he was on the team, for fear she would worry about him getting hurt.He told her he lost weight with none of her homecooked meals and thus qualified for the 135lb weight division on the Canadian Team.The Championships were held in London,which as he explained he joined the boxing club to spend some time in London with a gal he met there, when he first arrived in Europe.
 The Day of the Final match he was up Against an American.He wrote he was one of the nicest boys he had ever met and really did not have the heart to fight him.So he danced around him, Avoiding his punches but not attempting to fight back.It was the last round and it was tied,he decided he better make his team Proud and landed a few knock - out punches..But his opponent kept getting back up.Finally after the last Punch and he hit the floor,My Uncle told him " For god's sake stay down, I don't want to hurt your pretty face anymore,Your Mamma will kill me!!".He Did..This young man wrote my grandmother for years after the war,he was from the "Boston States" and an Irishman like my grandmother.
 Just last year I inherited the medal & his letters all wrapped in bow and kept in a Morris Chocolates Box for safe keeping.I in turn donated his medal to the local Military Museum.It now proudly hangs in it's walls underneath his picture for all to see and enjoy,He will not be forgotten.
 While reading these letters and getting to know him through his words, it struck me I know this Boy...Not only is my Youngest son the spit of him,But carry's his personality traits.
 On this day of Remembrance I not only remember the sacrifice's our Men & Boys made for their counties,But also for the boy I used to know.

Peace & Freedom

Mamma Why

Are you always so angry? A Question my son asked me yesterday as I ran him to work.Duuuuh.
Kinda tells you the mental state my son is in!! I couldn't even answer I was so angry!!

After giving his question some thought through out the day I gave him an answer at supper.
Fear...Fear of the unknown...Of not knowing where his addiction is going to lead us.Fear he is going die.Fear that his father & I's marriage won't survive much longer.Fear Fear Fear.

 Does that answer your question?

I dislike the term "detach".You have to "detach with Love".A fellow blogger once wrote me and said use the word "distance" instead.Sounds so much better.I was doing better at distancing myself,but lately with his neediness for food,drives,support,
etc,that distance is shortening again and with it my anger is rising.I need to work on this again,I am slipping backwards instead of moving ahead.Sound familiar? No Different than his battle with his drug of choice,The only difference is he is mine.

I did get a letter of support from my Family Doctor yesterday for long term treatment for my son.It was very powerful so I hope it will help.I also again asked for a wee something for myself,just to numb me a bit.Again the answer was no.You can't be numb dealing with him,you need to be at full speed,hopefully he will soon be in treatment and you will heal...Hope he says the same thing next time he sees me and I am wearing one of those cute little jackets that tie in the back!! AnyWhooooooooooo..Deep Breath..Time for me today. xo

Methadone Clinic

 More news yesterday on our Islands fight with addiction,A New Methadone Clinic.It is an independent clinic run by 8 doctors.It is not connected with the Addiction Centers Clinic nor is it under the Governments Umbrella.Four of these Doctors presently have anywhere from 50-100 patients in their Family practise and have been practising this way for 7 years.
.
 I know Doctors get a bad rapp for over prescribing opiates but these 4 doctors seen the need for life saving help for addicts( I hate that word) and stepped up to the plate.This wasn't easy for them to do,along with their regular patients to have & monitor up to 100 methadone patients,I know the pitfalls trying to handle one!! They plan to Add another 100 immediately.

 One of these Doctors is my own Family Doctor who had been looking after my son for over 20 years, Until a few months ago when he couldn't deal with him & his Lies & attempted manipulation anymore.I have nothing but admiration for the man,He is an excellent Doctor.

 What I find Ironic about this announcement, is on Friday at the news conference, regarding the Addiction & Mental Health report,They hired an overseer. A new chief mental health and addictions officer to oversee all areas of addiction & Mental Health.The Idea is to have her bring them together so those with addictions, can access the help they need in a seamless manner, not have each agency work independently ( their eg was bring the silo's together).In Theory a great Idea,but in putting it into practise may take time.More time then some of our Addicts have perhaps.

 In His Interview yesterday One of the Doctor's spearheading this Clinic stated they wanted to remain independent and not have big brother dictate to them.After all these are not some yahoo's from the backwoods.They are trained physicians first, trained in Methadone Maintenance and reached out to the addiction Community with help when no one else did.My opinion is they deserve a whole lot respect & Kudo's for taking this next step that is greatly needed in our City!!

 The Province also intends to open a clinic to help with easier access to those associated with The Addiction Center & also increase the openings in their program to ease the long waiting list.
The Doctors announced theirs will open in the New Year,The government gave no timeline other than as soon as possible.

  Dealing with the Government and their initiatives sometimes feels like your watching a magic show,alot of slight of hand ,disappearing acts & Illusions,but in the end... no White Rabbit was pulled out of the Hat.

 Congrats to the Family Doctors for taking this step in helping with the struggles our children with Addictions go thro daily in waiting for their lottery number to pop up and get on the methadone program!!

Weekend Review

 I ran for the shore...My refuge when things are not going so great...I had such hope for that damn report..and it left both myself,but most importantly my son down.He also was awaiting it,in hopes of some kind of treatment in the immediate future..But it was void.
 My son came over today to do laundry,have a good meal & shower.He looked sad & sounded almost hopeless..There was no manipulation..Only talk of recovery,treatment,a better life.He was sick,I could see it in his eyes,his voice.While he was here Detox phoned regarding a bed.He explained he was working,2 weeks left, if they could arrange a bed around that time,she promised to do the best she could and keep him on the list to ensure when he was done, a bed would be available quickly.Bless her heart!!
 We are working on a application for out of province treatment..we will see where that takes us.Very few get it..I pray he does..I'm scared of his talk,his look,even in his darkest moments in the past,  I have never seen him like this..It causes me great concern & fear.Recently I have reconnected with an old friend I have not seen in years,She just lost her son to addiction..She is going thro hell..her reality is my greatest fear!!
I have an appointment with my Family doc this week..perhaps he can help regarding my son's mental health.I do know I can't fix him,only he can do that...xo  

Mental Health and Addictions Report

 Well, I attended the Looooong awaited report on Mental Health and Addictions today.It was a packed house  with standing room only.I hate being an optimist,more often than not, It is not what I hoped for,This report was no different.
It did contain a few tidbits.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           He expanded the methadone treatment and included a methadone clinic..this should decrease the wait times for our Addicts,allowing them to receive it in a timely manner not waiting for a year.

•  He also announced a 10-bed transition unit for use after detox..with a stay of an extra 21 days..He failed to mention these are not new beds..but beds that were already available just never used.BUT I'll take them !! 
•  He expanded access to Suboxone for youth ( 18-24)
•  Hired 3 new staff to help those with addictions navigate the system.
•  Added assistance to a new youth addictions after-care project.( 18-24)
• Reviewing prescription drug coverage..hired an investigator to look into this problem.

• Hired a Chief Mental Health and Addictions Officer to oversee and bring all areas of addiction & mental together rather than working on their own making it difficult to obtain any seamless treatment and services.

That's it folks!!
No new sober living facilities
No long treatment program or plan
No Rehab
1.2 million spent on this new strategy...Most of it's on wages for new staff hired or shuffled from other depts)..To say I am disappointed is putting it mildly...I am happy for the youth..a few more, much needed, tools to help with their addictions..Sadly nothing to help my son..or others who are over 24.
 As I sat there surveying the room it was mostly Community Agency's,Dept's of Government & Staff,MLA's,Staff of addictions, Special Interest Groups. Where I was sitting was a handful of Women,Who tirelessly work & fight everyday to improve the services for addicts..Yes Mother's of Addicts( who were left out in his opening address thanking almost everyone else for being there) .Some of whom have formed organizations,some who go it alone..But all with a common goal..Treatment!!! I watched afterwards  as some of these women swarmed the speakers with question after question to get clarification on the report, gave interviews to the press.They were not fooled by the big talk and little action being heard, by those of us with our children's lives on the line.It gave us little hope...So the fight continues..I wonder how many more son's & daughter's we will lose waiting..waiting..for long term treatment..One of those now could be mine...

Added Nov2: After just reading the local paper, The minister stated the 10 " New" beds are for youth..Argggh.

An Old Soul

 That would be my oldest son,Always was and will be,wise beyond his years.
It makes me sad he and family live so far away,but I am so glad he is far enough away from the life we are living today.There is a 5 year age difference between he & his younger brother,which has saved him from seeing most of his brother's addiction Journey.But he always asks about him,voices his opinion, and expresses his concerns about what this is doing to us.I hope someday they are able to heal their relationship.

 He called yesterday to see how things were going,when I told him he may be getting a chance at treatment at a center close to where he lives( 3 hours away),he quickly said " I hope he doesn't think I am going to visit him"..I did tell him his brother mentioned it.." Well I won't..Until I know for sure he is serious and on the right path to recovery". That's my Boy :)

 Although I question myself on why we were given such turmoil & heartache with my youngest son,I embrace the fact we were also given my oldest son First.I guess someone,somewhere decided you were blessed with best, now lets see how you handle The challenging one.One day at time would be the answer,sometimes one minute at time.

 I love both my son's equally,But I am so grateful for my Old soul,somedays it is he who keeps me going..xoxo

Home

  After work yesterday my son dropped in for supper,A daily occurrence that I do not mind as we are home and at least he gets 1 good meal a day.He is gaunt,thin, but not high from drugs,he also agrees to random drug testing, so we know it is just methadone( illegally bought) he is taking and not actively using IV opiates.

 I gave him a drive to where he is living and we had a open

discussion about his situation.He tried to work on my emotions by telling me he can't handle this too much longer.He hates where he is living,I told him he is lucky he has a place to live,many do not,even if it is a mattress on the floor in his friends storage area.He expressed remorse for what he has put us through,money he has cost us,My response was he could repay us when he gets well, But the biggest repayment would be seeing him in recovery and doing the work to help himself. He did not think he could last much longer and fears he is going to die or gets desperate enough to commit suicide.I told him to put his big boy panties on..he has been in far worse shape and survived and if he truly wanted to have a life, drug free he could do it!! Inside my heart was breaking...But I know he is where he needs to be, to realize just how far down the hole he is in,perhaps now he can see,that only he can figure how to get out.He has never been suicidal..depressed..although I can't dismiss it all together,I think he was just trying to manipulate his way back home.We cannot take him back home,He has to find his own way back home..I pray he does...

Question

I know a few people read my blog,I have a question,please share your answer even if it isn't what I want hear,It may be what I need to hear!! This has been a stumbling block for me,My brick wall.
Here Goes:
If Addiction is a disease ( a fact we all know),Why is it wrong to help them get well,I do not mean enabling them,I think I have that one ( almost) mastered.Every blog I read handles things differently...and each outcome is different no matter what they do or do not do...some for the better..some for the worse.I don't know if it is my nursing that prevents me from taking that final step of handing it over to a higher power..Or if it is just me in denial..making excuses..making me feel better by helping..I do not know...It has been compared to cancer..diabetes..etc..In the fact they need the best possible treatment..If it was Cancer..I surely wouldn't say..your on your own...It is your disease..you handle it..I know it is their choice to use..But after that the drug is in charge..Not them.
I guess I'm asking as I have had a few e-mails regarding my fighting on my son's behalf for better treatment..That I am wrong in doing this..What is wrong about that??? He has a disease..He needs treatment that is not available here..I know if he gets the treatment he needs..and screws it up..I will be done..But I feel until he gets that chance I cant stop fighting!!
Thanks..xo

Progress-Maybe

 Well after a day filled with e-mails..letter writing..phone calls..I made some headway in getting my son into a longer treatment program..Yes perhaps the fact that I told them I was going to the media with his story might have helped a wee bit..My son also agreed to tell his story( nightmare) publicly in hopes of accessing better treatment.
 Was it all lip service to an Irate Mamma..maybe..maybe not..we will see what happens in the coming weeks..Remaining silent however, gets you nothing.
  I was told,assured that an announcement was being made in regards to the methadone program.More spaces for those needing it, which will result in shorter wait times..A much needed change!
  Being a Child of the 60's with sit ins..protests..flower power..might just be coming in handy!!
 One step closer to getting my Peace..
 http://youtu.be/4rpz3-kj0q8
  
  

Anger

  So I am back from vacation...A wonderful 10 days full of smiles & giggles & so much love..what life should be about..I was kept so busy I had no time to think about what was going on at home...except when hubby called...I am not going to ramble on about what went on at home when I was away...lets just say nothing good happened.

  I have however came to a few realizations..realisms..reality checks...foolishness..whatever you want to call them...It is what I have do for me...for him...

• He cannot live here..
• We will not fund his habit,drug dealer etc.
• I cannot find peace until he receives "Adequate" treatment,which I believe he now wants for himself,and is doing his part to stay alive long enough to get it.
• I cannot let this anger go,I can let go of my anger toward him and what he has put us through,as he is sick.The system is failing him..when he wants to succeed..reaches for help...there is no help...maybe the system can let him die..but I sure as hell can't..without a fight.
• Boxing gloves are on and I am going to talk..scream..whatever it takes to get, not only for my son,but all those son's & daughters on our fair Island the help they need!!
• I am Angry..soooooooooo Angry at a system that is failing our kids...Not only the "Youth" But all of those that suffer from Addiction.
• I am tired of him going to detox ( 7 days),Then nothing..back to the streets..
• It is a system designed to set them up for failure!!
• It is a system full of predjudices...If you do try & access what little programs are available...Your too old..no longer qualify for youth programs...If you work..sorry these programs run from 8-4...Sorry there is a waiting list..sorry sorry sorry..
• Ask Questions...we will get back to you..They never do..how do some get access to programs licky split..and others turned away???
• WEll I am going to get answers...and I will not stop until I do...Squeaky wheel gets the grease..I am going to squeak like a bansheee till I do...
• Yes I am ANGRY!! 
• Gonna get me some Peace & love anyway I can..xoxoxo

 
  

Respite

I can't even think of writing about what has happened over the past 5 days...a nightmare..It is enough to say he is using again,out on the street,couch surfing...I am not sure.At risk for losing Job,Landing in Jail..or losing his life.I am going for a 10 day stay with my oldest son.His treat to me,He has no idea how much this means to me and how much I need it!! I feel bad leaving Hubby home to deal with this alone.My hope is when I return my son will be in Jail,with no other treatment available to him,This is all there is left.It has been the worst yet on this journey..xo

The Week

It has been a week since detox graduation.A week of learning for all of us.It has, after all , been the first time he finished detox.I think some things have actually seeped into my brain.I finally understand the act of enabling,do not do anything for them that they can do for themselves.Secondly is the trust issue,It is a biggie with me,I am always wanting to trust him when he is clean,but he is never really clean long enough to trust him! I read a passage somewhere,I can't remember where but it hit home( Maybe Sally Swenson's blog).Only begin to trust when their actions coincide with their words.Makes perfect sense !!

His brother informed me he wrote him an e-mail the day he got out of detox.This is a biggie since they hardly ever communicate unless my older son is home visiting.It was a letter of amends.I think my oldest son was touched but very cautious as to the words.I did not ask him about the letter or what it contained, I was just glad that my youngest son wrote...and my older son actually opened the letter and read the contents!

The week kinda went downhill from there..GRrrrrrrrrr.

He needs support of other addicts..he did well in group I was told,But in my son's mind the group he needs to go to is the one at the Center.Which is at 8:30 in the morning.He goes to work at 8:00.I suggested perhaps he could go to another at 8:00 at night..no it is not at the center,But it is a support group and he may find just as beneficial . No..he only wants to attend the one that happens when he is working and he cannot attend..ooook gotcha.

They tried to fire him at work for the time missed at work while he was in detox.No they cannot fire you for addiction...it is in the union by-laws.

The biggie came when he found out hubby and I were planning our last weekend at the cottage...Could they come out & visit...yes...as long as we are there...next day...Can we stay overnight one night...I struggle with this one..I just wanted some alone time with hubby...we also have lots to do to close up the cottage..But I agreed..one night...Then yesterday he thought we should allow he & girlfriend to have the cottage by themselves!! We could go home early and let them spend the last night there by themselves..After all he was doing so good !! Ummmmm sorry no..this is about your dad & I for a change..Invited them over for supper..after 5 minutes of pleads..and reasons why I should...I stuck to NO!! He then told me to go F&^% myself and hung up...Progress..I think not..
And how was your week? xo

Family Dinner

We have Family dinners quite often and we always have a good time filled with love & laughter.My son very rarely attends,even tho he is always invited.
 My brother hosted one on Sunday and of course invited my son. He waffled on going for fear of their questions,embarrassment over his addiction etc.He always had this Idea that no one knew,when in reality everyone knew, even when we tried to keep it hidden.I explained to him one of things I did to free myself and help me on this journey was to openly talk about his addiction with Family.I kinda broke the ice and they do now understand that addiction is a disease and will offer him support in his recovery.

 He came :) He and his girlfriend had a good time..My brothers congratulated him on being clean,encouraged him to continue on this path of recovery,his younger cousins greeted him with arms wide open,lots of hugs and family time.He actually engaged in conversations,helped with cleaning up,and laughed harder than I've seen him laugh in years.Even though my eyes never left him( worried about if he was going steal something) We also had a good day !! I will take this Day,bottle it and put it away for those days that are not so good ,then I can take it back out,uncork it Celebrate that good days do exist in this world Of Addiction!! xo

Checked Out

Yep he checked out,I had been honest with him from the start and told him I would not be good for his recovery. I want to be!! I just can't handle the stress of dealing with both his addiction & ADHD.I want nothing more for him than to be clean & in recovery,but I can't be that person and have him live here.I can handle the million phone calls a day,the impromptu visits multiple times a day but I can't handle living in chaos & fear anymore.
 We did not ask him to leave,did I quickly pack up his things for him..You bet!! He went back with his girlfriend,for how long I do not know,but for today that is where he is.Physically he is doing well,meds are working,he does talk about group,attending meetings,his counsellor,remember he has ADHD and he can talk on 50 subjects in one minute so I lost count on all the things he hit on! But he was talking positive..just to many!! Hopefully he will concentrate on just getting thro today and take tomorrow when it comes.
 I did talk to his Addiction Doctor,appears he got to know him quite well in the week they spent together.He is happy with his progress,he has a very fast metabolism so that helped him with withdrawal and the meds prescribed should make the rest quite manageable on his own.He participated well in group,but was told he(son) was visibly shaken when he saw 3 very young girls in group who were IV drug users.He spoke to them and warned them of the dangers of taking this path,telling them he worked up to IV usage and to be starting this at this young age was very dangerous...yes that's my son,knows all the pitfalls,they just don't apply to him.The doctor shared this with me to point out he has alot of empathy,If he could just channel this in the right direction.His fear was the fast metabolism...double edge sword..his body also absorbs the illegal substances much faster and the high lasts much shorter,thus the danger of overdose.
 He wants him to continue working with them on his recovery,he sees hope and the meds he prescribed will also help with his ADHD on a small scale.When he gets cleaner he will prescribe something for his ADHD. He can contact him anytime at the center. It was a hopeful conversation.
 I will support him in recovery, at arms length and hope he makes it...xo

Group

Against what my gut was telling me & my heart...Yes my heart won.With nowhere to go after detox,we took him.We set up the boundries...rules to follow..signed a contract ( Ha Ha),With hope and little else he settled in...we didn't! 
 Two Hundred dollars worth of meds later,he decided he needed more than was prescribed...Sorry Bud I am in control of meds...take as directed...call Dr.if you need a change...Asked for the car to get some candy...Sorry..no..you can't use OUR car.
 2 hours later give or take an hour...he informed us that in group they talked about parents treating them like children and not adults...we were treating him like a kid..with rules & boundarys

...here we goooooooo folks!!! I smiled and said I was sitting with the group across the hall where they were teaching us not to enable and setting up rules & boundary's...Guess what group your in now ????...Our Group...Feel free to leave anytime..no rule about that..check-out time is anytime!!
  Thinking my gut will win out in the end...I never was much of a groupie!