Kinda tells you the mental state my son is in!! I couldn't even answer I was so angry!!
After giving his question some thought through out the day I gave him an answer at supper.
Fear...Fear of the unknown...Of not knowing where his addiction is going to lead us.Fear he is going die.Fear that his father & I's marriage won't survive much longer.Fear Fear Fear.
Does that answer your question?
I dislike the term "detach".You have to "detach with Love".A fellow blogger once wrote me and said use the word "distance" instead.Sounds so much better.I was doing better at distancing myself,but lately with his neediness for food,drives,support,
etc,that distance is shortening again and with it my anger is rising.I need to work on this again,I am slipping backwards instead of moving ahead.Sound familiar? No Different than his battle with his drug of choice,The only difference is he is mine.
I did get a letter of support from my Family Doctor yesterday for long term treatment for my son.It was very powerful so I hope it will help.I also again asked for a wee something for myself,just to numb me a bit.Again the answer was no.You can't be numb dealing with him,you need to be at full speed,hopefully he will soon be in treatment and you will heal...Hope he says the same thing next time he sees me and I am wearing one of those cute little jackets that tie in the back!! AnyWhooooooooooo..Deep Breath..Time for me today. xo
Just like an addict has to work on staying in recovery, so do we. I've found myself slipping backwards more than once. When I realized it, I changed my behaviours and I found peace again. It is a process, my friend. You are still new to the process (not to addiction, just the process of your own recovery). You will get there. Start reading some of the Nar-Anon literature. It helps! You are doing all that you can possibly do for him to get help. Take care of yourself too. Live in the moment. Don't think ahead to what might be or behind to what was. Your son is alive today. Where there is life, there is hope. Hold onto that thought for today.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right...Even tho I feel like and I have,been dealing with this disease for years..I am so new to recovery on myself..I do read the literature...Work on the 12 steps..I know the serenity Prayer by heart..I'm whispering the first line to myself a hundred times a day..I know it will come..guess I just want a quick fix..Yep..doesn't work like that!!
DeleteThanks for the reminders...And as always..your never ending support..huggs
I struggle with the fear of them dying as well. When he is active I feel like I am walking around with an elephant on my chest. I agree with the commenter above about the Nar-Anon literature, honestly get their blue SESH book it has been such a lifesaver for me and I'm lucky enough to be in a really great Nar-Anon group as well.
ReplyDeleteTook your advice & got the books for my kindle last night off amazon..the blue book & SESH..Thank-you..I'm not sure if they have meetings for family in my area..I will however ask!! Thanks for sharing..huggs
DeleteOh great!!!! You are going to enjoy the SESH book soooo much all of the pages are falling out of mine because I turn to it so often. I hope you can find a meeting in your area, if you google nar-anon you should be able to find the spot on their webpage that will show you where meetings are being held. Everyone in the room can relate to each other so much, it has been a lifesaver for me.
DeleteI did do exactly that :) However there are none for just family...they are open to everyone...BUT..I'm going to give it a shot anyway..What do I have to lose? xo
DeleteMy group isn't just for family either, you just have to have an addicted person in your life which could be a boyfriend, etc., we do have many of those as well but we all share a common bond, we are dealing with the nightmare of addiction. I hope your group is as wonderful as mine! I am really blessed, our group just broke off into another group which is great as now there are three in our area all different locations which makes it more convenient depending on where you live. Let me know how it goes!
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