Perhaps we should go back to the first..Well the beginning of that day. The day my 25 year old son moved out and into an apt.with his girlfriend.There had been many days like this over the years,cleaning his room after his departure for work,gone months at a time.But this time was different..Not in what I knew what I was going to find...But what I found And the impact it had on me..as a mother!
I knew I was going to find drug paraphernalia..garbage..dirty clothes..maybe even drugs..But nothing prepared me for what I actually saw!! I had heard the sounds coming from his room ... a flick of the lighter..losing spoons by the handful..We had been to hell & back with his addiction over the years..lies..stealing..jail time..fines..drug dealers at our door..clean times???? There were a few..And that is what gives you hope..keeps you going...Trying to save my son who does not want to save himself..Yes we were enablers..We thought love was enough..It wasn't..It isn't..
Back to the room...something new had invaded our home..his life..his body...along with a new mode of delivery... As horrendous as it sounds it was the one thing that finally opened my eyes...I couldn't..can't save him...That was 6 months ago..Today he is out of his girlfriends..due to his drug use...Looking again at jail time... telling us he will get help...he needs to be home..he can't do it alone...I take his calls..I listen to his pleads..I get off the phone & cry..I pace..I struggle with the choice I made..But I do not..will not... take him home again...I have to let him go...He has all the tools..He knows what he has to do...It is his choice...As this is Our choice...
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