Mental Health and Addictions Report

 Well, I attended the Looooong awaited report on Mental Health and Addictions today.It was a packed house  with standing room only.I hate being an optimist,more often than not, It is not what I hoped for,This report was no different.
It did contain a few tidbits.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           He expanded the methadone treatment and included a methadone clinic..this should decrease the wait times for our Addicts,allowing them to receive it in a timely manner not waiting for a year.

•  He also announced a 10-bed transition unit for use after detox..with a stay of an extra 21 days..He failed to mention these are not new beds..but beds that were already available just never used.BUT I'll take them !! 
•  He expanded access to Suboxone for youth ( 18-24)
•  Hired 3 new staff to help those with addictions navigate the system.
•  Added assistance to a new youth addictions after-care project.( 18-24)
• Reviewing prescription drug coverage..hired an investigator to look into this problem.

• Hired a Chief Mental Health and Addictions Officer to oversee and bring all areas of addiction & mental together rather than working on their own making it difficult to obtain any seamless treatment and services.

That's it folks!!
No new sober living facilities
No long treatment program or plan
No Rehab
1.2 million spent on this new strategy...Most of it's on wages for new staff hired or shuffled from other depts)..To say I am disappointed is putting it mildly...I am happy for the youth..a few more, much needed, tools to help with their addictions..Sadly nothing to help my son..or others who are over 24.
 As I sat there surveying the room it was mostly Community Agency's,Dept's of Government & Staff,MLA's,Staff of addictions, Special Interest Groups. Where I was sitting was a handful of Women,Who tirelessly work & fight everyday to improve the services for addicts..Yes Mother's of Addicts( who were left out in his opening address thanking almost everyone else for being there) .Some of whom have formed organizations,some who go it alone..But all with a common goal..Treatment!!! I watched afterwards  as some of these women swarmed the speakers with question after question to get clarification on the report, gave interviews to the press.They were not fooled by the big talk and little action being heard, by those of us with our children's lives on the line.It gave us little hope...So the fight continues..I wonder how many more son's & daughter's we will lose waiting..waiting..for long term treatment..One of those now could be mine...

Added Nov2: After just reading the local paper, The minister stated the 10 " New" beds are for youth..Argggh.

An Old Soul

 That would be my oldest son,Always was and will be,wise beyond his years.
It makes me sad he and family live so far away,but I am so glad he is far enough away from the life we are living today.There is a 5 year age difference between he & his younger brother,which has saved him from seeing most of his brother's addiction Journey.But he always asks about him,voices his opinion, and expresses his concerns about what this is doing to us.I hope someday they are able to heal their relationship.

 He called yesterday to see how things were going,when I told him he may be getting a chance at treatment at a center close to where he lives( 3 hours away),he quickly said " I hope he doesn't think I am going to visit him"..I did tell him his brother mentioned it.." Well I won't..Until I know for sure he is serious and on the right path to recovery". That's my Boy :)

 Although I question myself on why we were given such turmoil & heartache with my youngest son,I embrace the fact we were also given my oldest son First.I guess someone,somewhere decided you were blessed with best, now lets see how you handle The challenging one.One day at time would be the answer,sometimes one minute at time.

 I love both my son's equally,But I am so grateful for my Old soul,somedays it is he who keeps me going..xoxo

Home

  After work yesterday my son dropped in for supper,A daily occurrence that I do not mind as we are home and at least he gets 1 good meal a day.He is gaunt,thin, but not high from drugs,he also agrees to random drug testing, so we know it is just methadone( illegally bought) he is taking and not actively using IV opiates.

 I gave him a drive to where he is living and we had a open

discussion about his situation.He tried to work on my emotions by telling me he can't handle this too much longer.He hates where he is living,I told him he is lucky he has a place to live,many do not,even if it is a mattress on the floor in his friends storage area.He expressed remorse for what he has put us through,money he has cost us,My response was he could repay us when he gets well, But the biggest repayment would be seeing him in recovery and doing the work to help himself. He did not think he could last much longer and fears he is going to die or gets desperate enough to commit suicide.I told him to put his big boy panties on..he has been in far worse shape and survived and if he truly wanted to have a life, drug free he could do it!! Inside my heart was breaking...But I know he is where he needs to be, to realize just how far down the hole he is in,perhaps now he can see,that only he can figure how to get out.He has never been suicidal..depressed..although I can't dismiss it all together,I think he was just trying to manipulate his way back home.We cannot take him back home,He has to find his own way back home..I pray he does...

Question

I know a few people read my blog,I have a question,please share your answer even if it isn't what I want hear,It may be what I need to hear!! This has been a stumbling block for me,My brick wall.
Here Goes:
If Addiction is a disease ( a fact we all know),Why is it wrong to help them get well,I do not mean enabling them,I think I have that one ( almost) mastered.Every blog I read handles things differently...and each outcome is different no matter what they do or do not do...some for the better..some for the worse.I don't know if it is my nursing that prevents me from taking that final step of handing it over to a higher power..Or if it is just me in denial..making excuses..making me feel better by helping..I do not know...It has been compared to cancer..diabetes..etc..In the fact they need the best possible treatment..If it was Cancer..I surely wouldn't say..your on your own...It is your disease..you handle it..I know it is their choice to use..But after that the drug is in charge..Not them.
I guess I'm asking as I have had a few e-mails regarding my fighting on my son's behalf for better treatment..That I am wrong in doing this..What is wrong about that??? He has a disease..He needs treatment that is not available here..I know if he gets the treatment he needs..and screws it up..I will be done..But I feel until he gets that chance I cant stop fighting!!
Thanks..xo

Progress-Maybe

 Well after a day filled with e-mails..letter writing..phone calls..I made some headway in getting my son into a longer treatment program..Yes perhaps the fact that I told them I was going to the media with his story might have helped a wee bit..My son also agreed to tell his story( nightmare) publicly in hopes of accessing better treatment.
 Was it all lip service to an Irate Mamma..maybe..maybe not..we will see what happens in the coming weeks..Remaining silent however, gets you nothing.
  I was told,assured that an announcement was being made in regards to the methadone program.More spaces for those needing it, which will result in shorter wait times..A much needed change!
  Being a Child of the 60's with sit ins..protests..flower power..might just be coming in handy!!
 One step closer to getting my Peace..
 http://youtu.be/4rpz3-kj0q8
  
  

Anger

  So I am back from vacation...A wonderful 10 days full of smiles & giggles & so much love..what life should be about..I was kept so busy I had no time to think about what was going on at home...except when hubby called...I am not going to ramble on about what went on at home when I was away...lets just say nothing good happened.

  I have however came to a few realizations..realisms..reality checks...foolishness..whatever you want to call them...It is what I have do for me...for him...

• He cannot live here..
• We will not fund his habit,drug dealer etc.
• I cannot find peace until he receives "Adequate" treatment,which I believe he now wants for himself,and is doing his part to stay alive long enough to get it.
• I cannot let this anger go,I can let go of my anger toward him and what he has put us through,as he is sick.The system is failing him..when he wants to succeed..reaches for help...there is no help...maybe the system can let him die..but I sure as hell can't..without a fight.
• Boxing gloves are on and I am going to talk..scream..whatever it takes to get, not only for my son,but all those son's & daughters on our fair Island the help they need!!
• I am Angry..soooooooooo Angry at a system that is failing our kids...Not only the "Youth" But all of those that suffer from Addiction.
• I am tired of him going to detox ( 7 days),Then nothing..back to the streets..
• It is a system designed to set them up for failure!!
• It is a system full of predjudices...If you do try & access what little programs are available...Your too old..no longer qualify for youth programs...If you work..sorry these programs run from 8-4...Sorry there is a waiting list..sorry sorry sorry..
• Ask Questions...we will get back to you..They never do..how do some get access to programs licky split..and others turned away???
• WEll I am going to get answers...and I will not stop until I do...Squeaky wheel gets the grease..I am going to squeak like a bansheee till I do...
• Yes I am ANGRY!! 
• Gonna get me some Peace & love anyway I can..xoxoxo

 
  

Respite

I can't even think of writing about what has happened over the past 5 days...a nightmare..It is enough to say he is using again,out on the street,couch surfing...I am not sure.At risk for losing Job,Landing in Jail..or losing his life.I am going for a 10 day stay with my oldest son.His treat to me,He has no idea how much this means to me and how much I need it!! I feel bad leaving Hubby home to deal with this alone.My hope is when I return my son will be in Jail,with no other treatment available to him,This is all there is left.It has been the worst yet on this journey..xo

The Week

It has been a week since detox graduation.A week of learning for all of us.It has, after all , been the first time he finished detox.I think some things have actually seeped into my brain.I finally understand the act of enabling,do not do anything for them that they can do for themselves.Secondly is the trust issue,It is a biggie with me,I am always wanting to trust him when he is clean,but he is never really clean long enough to trust him! I read a passage somewhere,I can't remember where but it hit home( Maybe Sally Swenson's blog).Only begin to trust when their actions coincide with their words.Makes perfect sense !!

His brother informed me he wrote him an e-mail the day he got out of detox.This is a biggie since they hardly ever communicate unless my older son is home visiting.It was a letter of amends.I think my oldest son was touched but very cautious as to the words.I did not ask him about the letter or what it contained, I was just glad that my youngest son wrote...and my older son actually opened the letter and read the contents!

The week kinda went downhill from there..GRrrrrrrrrr.

He needs support of other addicts..he did well in group I was told,But in my son's mind the group he needs to go to is the one at the Center.Which is at 8:30 in the morning.He goes to work at 8:00.I suggested perhaps he could go to another at 8:00 at night..no it is not at the center,But it is a support group and he may find just as beneficial . No..he only wants to attend the one that happens when he is working and he cannot attend..ooook gotcha.

They tried to fire him at work for the time missed at work while he was in detox.No they cannot fire you for addiction...it is in the union by-laws.

The biggie came when he found out hubby and I were planning our last weekend at the cottage...Could they come out & visit...yes...as long as we are there...next day...Can we stay overnight one night...I struggle with this one..I just wanted some alone time with hubby...we also have lots to do to close up the cottage..But I agreed..one night...Then yesterday he thought we should allow he & girlfriend to have the cottage by themselves!! We could go home early and let them spend the last night there by themselves..After all he was doing so good !! Ummmmm sorry no..this is about your dad & I for a change..Invited them over for supper..after 5 minutes of pleads..and reasons why I should...I stuck to NO!! He then told me to go F&^% myself and hung up...Progress..I think not..
And how was your week? xo

Family Dinner

We have Family dinners quite often and we always have a good time filled with love & laughter.My son very rarely attends,even tho he is always invited.
 My brother hosted one on Sunday and of course invited my son. He waffled on going for fear of their questions,embarrassment over his addiction etc.He always had this Idea that no one knew,when in reality everyone knew, even when we tried to keep it hidden.I explained to him one of things I did to free myself and help me on this journey was to openly talk about his addiction with Family.I kinda broke the ice and they do now understand that addiction is a disease and will offer him support in his recovery.

 He came :) He and his girlfriend had a good time..My brothers congratulated him on being clean,encouraged him to continue on this path of recovery,his younger cousins greeted him with arms wide open,lots of hugs and family time.He actually engaged in conversations,helped with cleaning up,and laughed harder than I've seen him laugh in years.Even though my eyes never left him( worried about if he was going steal something) We also had a good day !! I will take this Day,bottle it and put it away for those days that are not so good ,then I can take it back out,uncork it Celebrate that good days do exist in this world Of Addiction!! xo

Checked Out

Yep he checked out,I had been honest with him from the start and told him I would not be good for his recovery. I want to be!! I just can't handle the stress of dealing with both his addiction & ADHD.I want nothing more for him than to be clean & in recovery,but I can't be that person and have him live here.I can handle the million phone calls a day,the impromptu visits multiple times a day but I can't handle living in chaos & fear anymore.
 We did not ask him to leave,did I quickly pack up his things for him..You bet!! He went back with his girlfriend,for how long I do not know,but for today that is where he is.Physically he is doing well,meds are working,he does talk about group,attending meetings,his counsellor,remember he has ADHD and he can talk on 50 subjects in one minute so I lost count on all the things he hit on! But he was talking positive..just to many!! Hopefully he will concentrate on just getting thro today and take tomorrow when it comes.
 I did talk to his Addiction Doctor,appears he got to know him quite well in the week they spent together.He is happy with his progress,he has a very fast metabolism so that helped him with withdrawal and the meds prescribed should make the rest quite manageable on his own.He participated well in group,but was told he(son) was visibly shaken when he saw 3 very young girls in group who were IV drug users.He spoke to them and warned them of the dangers of taking this path,telling them he worked up to IV usage and to be starting this at this young age was very dangerous...yes that's my son,knows all the pitfalls,they just don't apply to him.The doctor shared this with me to point out he has alot of empathy,If he could just channel this in the right direction.His fear was the fast metabolism...double edge sword..his body also absorbs the illegal substances much faster and the high lasts much shorter,thus the danger of overdose.
 He wants him to continue working with them on his recovery,he sees hope and the meds he prescribed will also help with his ADHD on a small scale.When he gets cleaner he will prescribe something for his ADHD. He can contact him anytime at the center. It was a hopeful conversation.
 I will support him in recovery, at arms length and hope he makes it...xo

Group

Against what my gut was telling me & my heart...Yes my heart won.With nowhere to go after detox,we took him.We set up the boundries...rules to follow..signed a contract ( Ha Ha),With hope and little else he settled in...we didn't! 
 Two Hundred dollars worth of meds later,he decided he needed more than was prescribed...Sorry Bud I am in control of meds...take as directed...call Dr.if you need a change...Asked for the car to get some candy...Sorry..no..you can't use OUR car.
 2 hours later give or take an hour...he informed us that in group they talked about parents treating them like children and not adults...we were treating him like a kid..with rules & boundarys

...here we goooooooo folks!!! I smiled and said I was sitting with the group across the hall where they were teaching us not to enable and setting up rules & boundary's...Guess what group your in now ????...Our Group...Feel free to leave anytime..no rule about that..check-out time is anytime!!
  Thinking my gut will win out in the end...I never was much of a groupie!

Mixed Emotions

 I am not sure,I do not know, how to NOT let my emotions dictate how to deal with my son.
Tomorrow he is being discharged from detox...He will not be allowed back into the family doctors Methadone program..in fact he has released him as patient all together.Thus he is now on the Addiction facility's methadone programs waiting list..He is Number 78 on the list..As much as this sounds mean to release him he is relentless in getting what he wants..wants control..has no respect..for either the DR or The Methadone program.
  Apparently he was back to using big time while awaiting his bed at detox( I just found this out yesterday)...money we thought was being used to purchase methadone, was being used to purchase drugs..quite a variety of drugs in large amounts.
Their suggestion to him was, to go to a sober living facility...3 month wait...He will not make it that long without using ..a vicious cycle.
  I cannot take him home...he will NOT follow any rules or boundaries we impose..I get emotionally and physically exhausted from the lies and manipulation.I am torn tho because of the lack of resources available to him...but then again..he does not seem to want to or will not take advantage of what is available.I do not know what will happen to him..Love him to death..But I see a train wreck coming when he is released and there is nothing I can do to stop it.Do I stand beside the train or do I become a casuality of this wreck..again..again & again..

Harm Reduction

My fear about detox has become a reality.The Doctor stated My son cannot successfully detox off methadone in a facility that only offers a 5-10 day detox....and nowhere to go after that.Methadone withdrawal is 10x worse than opiate and can last months and months.The medication he will leave there with to help, will basically unable him to work or function at any normal level.He predicts within a week to 10 days he would be back using.For the Addiction Center methadone program( which is free) there is a 8 month wait.The cost of his methadone is 600.00 a month for us,as he could not possibly afford to pay that and live.Social services would pay..but he cannot be working and get assistance from them.So Mamma & dad pay.Which we have done in the past and I will again IF His family Dr takes him back into his methadone program and IF he doesn't use...Stupid to pay and him using at the same time!! The Doctor stated his attitude has changed ten-fold since his last visit ( well he left).Staff thinks he is serious,attending meetings...asking good questions,Requested a counselor & be on the outpatient program. Now I have to convince his Dad!!
He said at this point with limited resources we are looking at harm reduction in form of the methadone program. Difficult ..no...!@#$%^*  hard to digest that we are so behind the times in treatment and nothing is being done to move us in any forward direction !!! What to do???

With Love,Opiate

This poem was written by a friend of mine...who gives and gives of herself ,each and everyday helping not only Mamma's like myself,But also advocates for our Addicts..She literally saved my sanity..

Excellent work Rose!! xoxo my friend. 

 

http://shadowsinpei.blogspot.ca/2013/09/with-love-opiate.html

 

Drop-Off

 Well he got there,and I dropped him off myself. It was not without the usual drama but he is there.Had his plan ready on what to tell them he needed and how long he needed to stay.I bit my tongue  and let him talk.
It scares me tho with this talk,to me it shows he wants control.I have given the lecture many times over the years on maybe listening to others who are the experts and give their way a try since his way isn't working too well.The important thing he is there!! How he chooses to get thro it is his choice.Hopefully he will finish this time!!

Today-Maybe

Well today is the day he goes into detox...I hope
Have not heard or seen him for 2 days..not a good sign!
I heard he took 1 day off..and another 1/2 day..another bad sign!
As he will be missing time and not get paid for those days he is in detox..this was pretty irresponsible!
What is he thinking????
One last hurrah before detox??? Scares me!!

811

  811,The newest initiative our government has decided to invest OUR tax dollars on.Don't get me wrong, I do believe it will help people avoid the emergency depts, help with concerns regarding health, educate about illnesses,diseases,bring some comfort to those with concerns. It will provide information,help make the decision to call or not call 911.
BUT,There is always a BUT. My number one problem with this 400,000 a year investment is it states Addiction as one of area's, that will see a vast improvement through this system.I am not a Debby Downer but give your head a shake!! How can calling 811 help our Addicts ? A nurse in Nova Scotia( where the system is) answers their call and Says what???

• Go to emerg-where you will be told either of 2 things,We do not treat addicts here,Or Have a seat,there is a 7 hour wait,Just what you need and have heard when you visit and are feeling suicidal.
• Go to detox.Where you can wait for over a month for a bed
• You just came out of detox and need help,Go to a sober-living facility,only a 3 month wait there.
• In the meantime contact social services,they will help you secure shelter, sorry you need an Address to access that help,and the minute you mention Addiction,you are ushered out the door,not a viable illness to receive social assistance.

• Contact your family doctor
• God Help us!!! 

I just hope when & If Minister Currie announces his looooong awaited plan for addictions, The 811 system is not included in the investment monies allocated to Addictions!!!

 

Psssst

I am only going to whisper, as it might Jinx the news. HE GOT A BED !!

No Room At The Inn

Just a quick up-date...Still no room at the Inn...4 weeks since he requested a bed at Detox. Today I made him call and put it on speaker phone so I could hear the conversation ( Plus I was beginning to wonder if he really did ) Conversation kinda went like this.
Son: Yes just calling again to see if you can tell me when I can get a bed in detox,I have been waiting a month and everyday you tell me it will be this week.
Intake person: What's your name sweetie?
Son: Name given
Intake person: Yes we have your referral,we have noted you called from Aug 22 -Sept 20 everyday.Sorry we had some emergency referral's that we had to take which affected those on the waiting list
Son: If I do not get in soon I am going to do something stupid,This is ridiculous !!
Intake Person: If you feel suicidal please go to Emergency,You will get in soon Sweetie. Click( while Mamma was screaming in the background "hand me that phone!!")

So another e-mail sent off to our Minister of Health ( who never acknowledges our letters). Hopefully week 5 will be his lucky week...Shame Shame Shame!!!!

Success

  We had our kick at the can and I thought we did very well, considering I got emotional and shed a few tears.
My hubby was spot on with his points,he got down to the nitty gritty of the problem and offered great solutions.

   I also think I did well,Where I lost it was when they started asking questions,I found myself tearing up when talking about my son and his addiction.Add to that... he still is NOT in detox!!                     No beds..&*^% !!

   They ( being the members of the legislative committee) appeared to be attentive.

   I also attended the public meetings where I was equally impressed with the presentations given by many community groups,front line staff, Also Portage Atlantic, A 24 hour treatment facility in a neighboring province, that has beds for our children in their facility, when the Powers that be deem Our children eligible to go!! 

  We can now only wait and see what the results will be.The one common theme that ran through every ones submission's, was the need for seamless treatment.I think they got the point that 5 days in detox is not a treatment plan,if you can get a bed!!!

  The one thing that kept sending shivers up my spine was the word "youth". Meaning my son, who is 25, will not be eligible if they go that route.

Lets hope, that the seamless treatment is open to all ages.
Lets hope, that we see positive changes.
Lets hope, they move quickly.
Lets hope,we lose no more children while waiting.
Lets hope somebody listens and acts.
Lets hope...

 

Meeting Day

Well today is the day.The day we get to voice our concerns,tell our story,suggest changes with the Legislative Assembly.A friend told me just go with my heart,I am scared if I go down that road, I will lose it and flood the room with tears.

We have worked on a speech,hitting on just about everything.Hopefully we will get it all in the 20 mins.I have also printed out some info for them to read.I can only hope we make a difference...

 Apparently my son is going to Detox today,a fitting day to go !
He again expressed his desire to come home for a few weeks after detox.I explained to him he cannot come home, for 2 reasons.

1.It would be a trigger for him,as he always used here,Addicts he knows live only 2 doors away,Dealer lives around the corner.

2.I do not trust him,because of that it would be very stressful for me, thus I would cause stress for him,if he is serious,he does not need me questioning his every move.

Not sure if he bought it, but he dropped the idea!! ( for now)

I love my son

Delay

 I am not sure he is telling the truth..or lying..Detox called..now it is monday. I am not going to go into great detail but he landed here..wanting money..a place to stay..would not leave..crying..he is going to kill himself..we don't care about him..we are liars when we say we will support him..on & on..Finally after 30 mins of this, My hubby got him out..with the warning next time..police would be called...The end..

Hurricane Gabrielle

 As we deal with the remnants of Gabrielle today,I think, I am also dealing with the stormy conditions in my son's life,By NOT dealing with them.

 He informed me he has a bed at detox on Sunday.I wished him well,Hoped he completed it this time and perhaps enter their outpatient program.Leave his ego at the door and let the Professionals try and help him,since self- help keeps on failing.I think after almost 6 years it is time to change it up a wee bit.

 It is so difficult not to say if you need anything Just call...But we know only to well he has to be the one to embrace recovery.All we can do is sit on the sidelines and offer the kind of support that will benefit him.

  He is in bad shape and the behaviors are all too familiar.Nothing we say at this point computes,It is all about him and how to get that next fix.There is always hope this time he will be successful...yes?

    So batten down the hatches, we are in for a rough ride!!

Big Boy Decisions

 Decision making,Why when he is using , he is always able to make decision's ( Now they are poor ones), But incapable in making those decision's that will keep him clean ? Why does he always know it all ,and refuse to reach out for something different that may help,as the paths he has chosen thus far, in reaching a lengthy recovery have not been successful.What goes on in that brain of his??

 This time he will have to live or die by the decision's he makes.We love him, but he has to love himself more and decide life over death.

Here We Go

 I knew in my heart a few weeks ago, that something was up with my son,past behaviors,that were now showing themselves,although subtly at first.The subtle signs increased this past week.This weekend,I couldn't deny them anymore.

 I did not bother to accuse or question him,he knew,I knew! Yesterday, he popped in at lunch when I was outside with the new puppy.Then, I heard him drive away without saying good-bye.Hmmm, I searched out my purse that I had hidden and yes,he stole money.I was so enraged,and sad.He told me was waiting for a bed at detox to help with the withdrawal from the methadone he was kicked off from.Obviously he couldn't wait.

  He risks alot this time as he never fully recovered from losses of his last session with actively using.And the hole gets deeper!!

I can't afford emotionally or monetarily to go down this road again with him.Sensing something was up a few weeks ago I had all the locks changed on the doors.Time to widen the "distance"...I hope and pray he does go to detox before he gets too far down this dark road.

 

The Battle of our Lives

 

 A very well written Article by Rose Barbour,Another Mother battling for change,Rose actually led the charge in our Province, bringing her son's plight with Addiction out into the open .With this move, she helped many other mothers ,like myself, realize that hiding the problem is NOT going to get us help & treatment for our children!!

The Battle Of Our Lives

Head Games

 It has been a rough few days.I am not sure if it is connected with my near miss on Monday or just fears,doubts or my head playing games with me.

 I am so trying to make that leap to the other side, where I can disconnect with the addiction and actually make it thro one week without dark thoughts entering.I know I am expecting to much,too soon, as I can't make it through one day and I may never.

  
 It is such an emotionally journey...It takes very little to make you feel almost high...and even less to pull you back down.I have got to find that even ground...for myself!! I have always been able to talk to myself,get my mind on other things and climb out,Lately tho it is taking longer and getting harder.

 I find I have no patience or empathy or understanding for my son these days.Which is not me!! And it scares me,I am lashing out more at him.My heart aches so badly..and at the moment I am not sure if it is for him..or me!!

 I hate..hate..hate..pity-party's and that is where I find myself,Swinging the stick and obliterating the pinata!!
I have no patience for self-pity,yet here I am!!

A Scary Ordeal

  Yesterday afternoon I decided to pop over to the instant teller a few blocks away.It is not in a bank ,but separate teller associated with the bank, but in a strip mall.I am one of those people who is always aware of their surroundings.As I approached the mall I noticed it was extremely void of cars due to it being Labour Day,however there was a Taxi sitting there in his car waiting for a call I assumed.As I carried on I noticed a kid ( probably about 19) cruising down the street on a bike ( a small bike,he looked huge on this bike).
  As I approached the door for the space the ATM is in I just had a chill come over me.The door had hardly closed as I had just reached one of the two ATM's,I heard the door being pushed open again.I looked around and there was the kid on the bike.As POA's we can spot them a mile away,and he was high on something,standing there,watching me,with a cell phone in his hand.A thousand scenario's went thro my mind what was going to happen next.The one sure thing was he was going to attempt to rob me.He was blocking the door,I was frozen in fear.
  Only on our small Island would you see a stack of Avon books placed next to the ATM for customers to take.I sure as hell wasn't going to take out money at this point, so I casually stood there at the instant teller,thumbing the pages the Avon magazine,while watching him on the mirror overhead,as he was watching me.I was praying for another car to pull up,someone else to walk in,anything to diffuse what was about to happen.I did manage to slip my car keys between my fingers to use as weapons If I needed to,I knew the taxi driver was still sitting there about a 100 feet away,I could scream!! A million things were whirling around in my mind,when out of the corner of my eye in the overhead mirror, was a white car pulling up,I was NEVER so relieved in my life.What happened next was unbelievable!!
  The doors of the car opened and out flew 2 police officers,the kid wasn't going anywhere as he was now trapped the same way he had trapped me,the only way out was the door the police were flying in thro!!
They grabbed him and one of the officers was escorting him out he turned to me and said " You stupid Cun#" ( god I HATE THAT WORD), I smiled through my tears and said nope..I am the Mamma of an addict.The other asked me if I was aware I was about to be robbed.Well I really started to cry and said yes,I knew..but I was stalling for time hoping someone would come along..And you did!!
   He explained this same kid had just stolen a wallet from a man at the Tim Horton's behind the mall..They got the call and were leaving to search for him when they spotted the bike and seen him thro the window. My Hero's!!  I am assuming the kid was angry because I did not take out the money,he would have grabbed it,be long gone by now,My fault he was caught!!
   The thoughts of what could have happen shook me to my toes.I managed to somehow make it home.It was there I really lost it.My god that could have been my son!! We see the devastation the drugs do our kids..we know they break the laws to get that next fix..I hope with all my being, he never put another person thro, what I experienced yesterday!!! Someone was looking out for me !!

 

Meet & Greet

  Although the yard sale was a bust...I met alot of nice people !
One in Particular made my day..my week!!
  When my boys were small they were notorious for dragging home stray animals..As they grew and entered elementary school..It started off bringing extra sandwiches to school for the kids who they noticed had nothing to eat.Then my oldest son figured out thro geometry how to fashion a cup out of paper...and packets of kool-aid were added.Clothes were given away,I was requested to knit hats and mitts.Then they graduated to bringing home the kids themselves!!
  I was and am always proud of my sons for seeing this need and stepping up to plate to help out.One in particular stole my heart,his home life really got to me and I was always relieved to see his little face walk in my door.Sometimes he would land at our house late at night because his mom wasn't home and he was scared...or mom had a boyfriend over..and he was scared.I always knew he was safe if he was with us and obviously he did too.Eventually his mom moved out of the area,he changed schools and I never heard or saw this little boy again.
  While fighting off the crowds at the yard sale I decided to go for groceries. As I walked past one of the tables I heard my name being called " Mamma P ".I turned and looked and did not recognize the caller..nor his wife..or 3 kids. He obviously read this on my face and introduced himself.It was him,the boy who disappeared!! Needless to say it made my day.He is now an electrician,his wife a nurse and the proud papa of 3 wee ones.As he went down memory lane with his wife, telling her all the time he spent at this house, I noticed someone else had disappeared. I learned his mamma was a drug addict..Explains his situation at the time.Although coming from a rough upbringing he rose above it and is doing well...very well!! He also told me he ran into my son a few months ago,not in good shape...and offered to help him,he refused.I now knew why the disappearing act.He gave me his number...he is also a member of NA and offered to be my son's sponsor if he made that step to recovery...This was a good kinda Karma :)

P.S..Dr.Spock did not sell..He is now in the garbage!!

 

Yard Sale

  After thinking about it I have agreed to let my son & girlfriend have their Yard Sale at our home,for purely selfish reasons,clean out my own house!! I am going to look at it as, a kind therapy..ridding myself of people...no no..things in my life I no longer want..or need!! A Cleansing !!

  Hubby was asked to make up a budget for my son...by, my son..wow !! Perhaps a start in becoming a responsible adult???
I am going to continue thinking on these positive train of thoughts..despite that little dark voice deep inside that keeps whispering "your setting yourself up." Shhhhhhhhh... It is still way to early in his recovery to silence that voice...I'm not sure If I ever will...sad...but True!

  I have come along way in my own recovery..Will I ever be healed fully..I doubt it..There are some images I do not think I will ever get out of my head..I may be able to put them up high on a  shelf...But if I look Wayyyyyyy Up..They are still there. I am however working on my own happiness...health...healing... peace. I am not a high maintenance gal,Simple things in life make me happy.                                                         The one thing for me, that made such a difference was knowing I was not alone.Making that initial step to reach out for help to another Mamma was my lifesaver!!                                                                                 Starting this blog was the second step...Not so much in what I write, but it opened a whole new direction of learning by reading other Parents blogs!!  Reinforcing even further, that parents from all over the world, in agonizing high numbers, are enduring this Journey with  me.
  I have learned there is no guidebook for addiction..there are however certain No's No's that do work..Others vary with the circumstance you find yourself in...Knowing your own child before this monster stole them away,eg: did have they other issues before addiction,Mental..intellectual...physical...emotional illnesses.What works for one parent...may not work for you...Trial and error..No different than your own child's Journey...What treatment works for one...Does not always work for another. If the plan doesn't work..Change the plan..But never give up hope..And never..never..think you are alone!!!

Anyone want to buy a well used..outdated version Of Doctor Spock's Baby Book on how to raise A well adjusted Baby to Adult hood!!!!

Another Day..Another Dollar

 It happens routinely in our lives,what starts out as a good day...can turn on a dime.
This was my day yesterday.The panic & fear within my son are setting in big time !
And possibly, some not so good behaviors are returning, perhaps a premonition of what is too come..I hope not..God I hope not!!

He arrived after work and one look at him I knew...This was going to be a battle.
In a short 15 minutes he rambled on & on...covering at the least 10 different topics...all negatives.
He wasn't going to be able to do this..he needed his methadone increased...withdrawals & working was too much!
Work was sucking..Tired of watching others who did not have the seniority ,get full time jobs over him !
They had no money for groceries..neither he ,or his girlfriend got full checks yet, as they keep 1 week back. Bills were backed up,After they were paid,They were broke,Are broke.
She spent 150.00 on a hair cut.
He has no credit.
Work would be over in Dec. and then what???
His life sucked
He may have to move home! ( nope).
Could we lend them 100.00 to help with the shortfall for rent ( nope).
50.00 for groceries ( nope).
40.00 for gas ( nope).
What's for supper ? Can I take some with me ( yep)
Can you lend me 5.00 for lunch Tomorrow ? ( nope)
 It was at this point I began to sing my" Bubble Guppy" song.( cartoon show on TV)
" Line up everybody..Line up"
Outside everybody..Outside" ( my grandaughter's fav )
My son's cue to leave, before I lose it.
He left.
I went for a nap.Might as well stayed up, because all I thought about was how can I help him...I can't..He needs to fly on his own,work on his own demons...figure it out himself. Just when I thought he was making progress...hopefully things will be better today...hopefully yesterday was just a bad day...hopefully...

Latest: Just got off the phone with you know who..ummm it's 7:00!!
Brainstorm...They are having a yard sale to raise money to pay for their shortfalls...I have to give them credit for at least thinking of options!! Bad news..Always a downside..It's going to be at....Yep...MY HOUSE!!! More traffic..In Town..More people=More money...Oh I can't wait till hubby arises and hears this!! 
 

Que Sera Sera

 Well, we finally got a date to meet privately with the Government Officials and Committee Members to voice our concerns,tell our story and hopefully open their minds & eyes. The problem is...we have only 20 minutes!!! I am thinking hubby & I will have to work closely on this one.I tend to ramble..speak with emotion,my god if I start to cry, I could use up all 20 minutes in tears!! He on the other hand can get his point across in one word. So I will have to write everything down I want to say and have him condense it for me.Oh my Sweet Jesus tho, I have much I want to say and 20 mins will not cut it!!

 So many topics...So little time...                                                                        Do I hit on the areas of treatment lacking for all our children,or only those that apply to our situation.My fear on this issue is all talk at the moment is pointing toward youth addiction.My son being 25 is no longer eligible for any treatment geared toward the youth ( 18-24).Even tho his brain still works at a teenager level!!

 Do I tell Our Story..risk losing it, as I share the hell we have been thro this past 5 years.Showing the impact on the families,emotionally,mentally,physically & financially..tug perhaps at their heartstrings ??

Do I strike out at their pocket book ( where the answers always seem to be..sorry we have no money).
I have done my homework and know that money invested in Addiction treatment, is much cheaper in the long run and short term then housing our children in prisons and Jails!

Do I dare Challenge their commitment to addiction...Oh don't get me started on that!! Their broken promises etc.

Do I remain courteous and polite...Or let loose like the mad Mamma I am !!

Do I go into Addiction is a disease..and deserves the best possible treatment like any other disease!!

Do I go armed with facts and figures..Pick any of our daily newspapers,surely then can read right ????

I have time to prepare,decide,seek input from others..

What I don't want to do is blow this chance!!...I want to make our voice heard..I want them to remember us..I want them to whisper when we leave " Wow".I also want to be the skinny blonde I was at 30!!
                                          

Make or Break

   This is my son's last week on methadone.He starts on 5 mg for one week then...nothing.Having watched him go thro withdrawals for the last 30 days has been difficult and yet the worst is yet to come.
Ask me about rapid methadone tapering.It sucks & my feeling is, it is inhumane.But I am only an observer & his Mamma.

I have heard him say I can't do this many times over the past month...But he did!!

   He is at a crossroads now...This is the make it..or break it point.He called last night with fear in his voice.Mamma I don't think I can do this.This last week was so bad.I can't afford to take time off work & yet my body is hurting so bad.Work is all I have at the moment.
Oh I have the that Gut feeling in my stomach,I gave him positive words of encouragement,what else could I do??? nothing...he has to do it!!

    His plan is to Call the Doctor,get something more in his arsenal for the withdrawals.This also scares me...just what he needs..more pills..I have to trust the doctor will make the right decision and only prescribe a short term dose of whatever or if he gives him anything at all.

    I am again battling my own feelings,My heart vs My head.I hate this place,I hate Addiction!!
                                               BUT
I know I have to look after me!! ( easy to write it, but so hard to do it)   I have to remember the addict behavior,that almost killed me,killed him!!
I have to remember that loving him with all my being, was not or will not , ever be enough to help him on this journey.
I have to remember that this is all part of his recovery,not mine.
I have to remember....
                                          

 


 

I Am An Addict

I AM AN ADDICT

“I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.

You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

Until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do”. 
Anonymous

While reading another Mother's  facebook page I came across this poem.It hit me very hard,although it is difficult to read..even harder to get your head around,It is sooo true.I am not sure If reading it in my son's early years of addiction, I would have actually believed it...Or actually read it!! I can honestly say it sure hits home now!!!
Although it makes me sad to read,It is the reality for many of us that love our children and question why love is not enough to "fix" our children.Our Children are in there somewhere,hopefully they will find their path back to us.....Hugggs

PayBack

To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly,however this morning It was a good kinda shock!!
In he walked ,as he does every morning before work,"Morning Mamma". I looked up and he was smiling..With his infectious grin,that I have not seen in many... many months,Spreading across his face like the Cheshire Cat. I was so taken by his grin I did not notice he had something in his hand...He waved it in front of me then I noticed...I waited for the words.."Mamma,Here's the money for my work boots you lent me..I told you I would pay you back." ( this is where you pick me up off the floor).Yes I grabbed it quickly...Stuffed it in my pocket and said thanks!!! Off he went to work...I asked my hubby to run to the window and see if he was coming back..if he was really gone..was he coming back in...I then held it up to the window...was it real???

In the grand scheme of things this would be small potatoes to most people..It was a Biggie to me!!!
The amount was not important... although it was actually the amount I paid for the boots.It was a step in the right direction in his recovery,another step.

It is still early in the day..and as POA's (another new word I learned on my Journey) know only to well,Alot could still happen in this day, It is a Great start tho!!

Those Damn boots, that caused so much stress between hubby and I,proved to be a good investment!!
Did I grin at hubby??
Ohhhh you bet I did ;)

A Rough Week

Although the Sun was out,the wind was strong and the ocean showed us her angry side with rough sea's.The Seagulls and shorebirds struggled to fly.. The Crabs crashed on the rocks..My Eagle had no problem tho..he soared each morning like the majestic creature he is...diving into the large white capped waves for breakfast..Even my little hummingbird managed to humm along for his mornings of sugar water treats...he never faltered..the feeder was almost turning upside in the wind and he just adjusted himself..and drank on..Then yesterday the water was calm..all was back to normal..It was then I caught sight of a head bobbing in the calm ocean...then another...The seals returned...brought a smile to face.

My Son's week was rough also..He is now tapered down to 15( he decided not to "Jump") on his methadone...Very rough withdrawals..He called the first day of our cottage time,wanting, of course, me to call the Dr.and ask him for some meds to help with the symptoms of withdrawal.I refused..Not because my heart didn't want to, but because my head said no!!My words of advice were...you have the number..call..make an appointment..be honest with him...see what happens.This is your responsibilty.

A few days later he called back..he is giving him some meds to help...He also reached out to the addiction treatment center for some counseling ( OMFG)... So far he is faring much like the eagle &  my wee hummingbird..he is weathering the storm.

Locked & Loaded

Another week at the Cottage coming up. This time with Hubby...It is always a welcome respite. My son will not be able pop in as easily..a plus..lol. I am praying for sun & warmth!

It has been a week of ups & downs But I made it thro.It will the first anniversary of my sweet dad's passing on Sunday,hard to believe,he is so missed! No word yet on my 3 month cancer check-up..positive thinking tho that it will be clean!! 

I am blessed in so many ways..and have so much to look forward too..gotta keep your eye and mind on the positives and avoid the pity-parties( I do allow myself one every now and again ;)...That's what gets you thro those difficult days.

Next month I am awaiting the arrival of my new Puppy...I am so excited!!
October I am leaving on a jet plane to spend time with my grandchildren while their parents get some much deserved alone time for 10 glorious days of vacation in California...We will have a ball!!

I have 6 books packed to read...a few trashy ones...one on addiction...and a few self-help...Maybe I should pack a few extra trashy one's!! Got my I-pod packed..Bob Seger take me away!! and some Godiva chocolates!!

I will not let anything spoil this week...
I am strong..I am woman..hear me Roaaaaaaaaaaar!!

May The Beach Be With You..xo 

 

10 choices you'll regret in 10 years

“If only…”  These two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
Here are ten choices that ultimately lead to this phrase of regret, and how to elude them:

1. Wearing a mask to impress others. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people.  Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Letting someone else create your dreams for you. – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.  A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams.  Do you have people who disagree with you?  Good.  It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path.  Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.
3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don’t let them get to you.  They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun.  When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
4. Being selfish and egotistical. – A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone.  Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired.  So carve your name on hearts, not stone.  What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
5. Avoiding change and growth. – If you want to know your past look into your present conditions.  If you want to know your future look into your present actions.  You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back.  If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success.  The Power of Habit.
6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There are no failures, just results.  Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up.  Learn what you can and move on.  The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end.  Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory.  It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled.    Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. – The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do.  But one day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t.  Read The Last Lecture.
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone, not a wishbone.  Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  You are important and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.
11. I really liked this article....I am posting it here to remind myself to continue to work on me....

Jump

I am learning so many new things on this Journey..Many I wish I didn't.Today's new word is" Jump"...Not the Meaning I am familiar with" When I say Jump..you ask how high." The drug term Jump...Meaning when you are tapering down from drugs..legal or illegal and you want to stop the taper..You Jump!!

I am not jumping for joy over this new word but this my son's new plan...Today.I was surprised at his reaction to the news of the tapering continuing...Yes there was some drama..But not nearly as much as I had anticipated or had prepared for!!

The withdrawals from methadone can be nasty..depending on the dose..and the amount of time you were on it.A slow controlled taper is better..his is a rapid taper..Then there is a blind taper..see all the new things I am learning!!!

Sooooo here's the plan...once he reaches 20 he is going to Jump..no more tapering..as the side effects will be the same at 5..as they will be at 20...waiting will just lengthen the withdrawals..Methadone has a long " shelf " life in the body..thus a longer withdrawal.

Now, do not quote me on any of this...This is his plan..his research.He is getting a few things to help him thro this while he still remains working, ativan & clonidine. Scares the hell out of me...and I am not jumping. I do have to give him credit for getting a "plan",researching it...It is step toward recovery right ?

In the meantime "I" have packed a parachute in case "I" am the one that has to " Jump"!!!

Stick A fork In Me,I'm Done

No...That was the Doc's answer..no way..no how..nope.. Never..however you put it, he is not taking him back in the program.I could not in all sincerity put up a battle strong enough to convince him, to give him another chance.He has been very patient with him over the years.He is not an easy child to deal with period.He told me he uses when he is on the methadone anyway,always trying to manipulate the dosage..Just barges in anytime..no appointment..Bully's the pharmacist into calling him for increases.Always an excuse for the dirty pee tests...never his fault..always excuses..He took him back this last time even when detox told him not to as he never finished the detox...he gave him his last chance... He never Learns or listens...He has to take responsibility for his own actions..his own recovery..The waiting list is too long with people wanting the program that deserve a chance when my son has had 4 kicks at the can...enough is enough...If he is struggling with drug sickness...go to detox..work the program..for once give it a try and follow thro..show some initiative on his part.Period.

I had a hard evening & night thinking about what was going to happen to him...would he start using hard again...would he go to detox..would he die...When he popped in this morning before work to try & wrangle change off me & informed me it was "My" fault he wouldn't take him back into the program,That I didn't try hard enough( scream,cry & beg).. I Didn't say the right things( Lie)..I realized he still doesn't get it...maybe never will..But I have to get It..I have to be healthy for myself...my other son..my grandchildren..my own life, I have to get it!!!! PERIOD

Down Down Down

After another stint at the shore,I am supposed to come home rested & relaxed..Be one with Nature.Instead I am planning a visit to the doctor to discuss my son's Methadone tapering...Which is way to fast!!

He came out to visit,it was planned. We went for a walk along the beach, He talked about his plans for future, ( OMG he thinks he would like to be a private detective). I never bit,I really did not want to know why, I was just happy to hear he was actually thinking about his future!!

Enter a torrential rainstorm, A real one,Not me ranting.By the time we made it back to cottage we were like drowned rats.My patio furniture was strewn all over the place,The wind was whipping it around like doll furniture..lightening was forking...Then I heard a voice say " Mamma you go in and get dry..I'll get this"..I looked up to the sky...I actually thought it was God speaking to me!! It wasn't..It was my son!!!! The same son who 3 weeks ago called me the worst Mother in world..I ran for the door! We then enjoyed a really nice evening of watching video's...I thought he said they were the first 3 series of " Heartland"...A nice family tv show about horses & cowboys...No..It was "Southland"...A cop show about about drugs..murders..etc.The important thing is we spent a nice evening munching on nacho's & watching "Southland"...

I heard the first fit of sneezing about 4am.This was only going to get worse..and it did..much worse..By 6am. he was deadly sick...throwing up..diarrhea..sneezing..runny nose..withdrawals..I knew he was being tapered down on his methadone...I knew it was going to hurt...But this was horrid...his legs couldn't keep still..he was a mess..Then he told me this happens every night!!!! The taper went from 60 week one...50 week 2...40 week 3..and on this Tuesday down to 30..down 10 every week...I did my homework...Most tapers need to be slow...by 5..for at least a few weeks..give his body time to adjust...He said the methadone wears off the same time every night..This was killing me.I think this is wrong.I am no doctor..But I am a nurse and this is just not right. When he left to go to town for his methadone I phoned the pharmacy to talk..The pharmacist said he also was worried.He told my son to contact the doctor But he was on holiday..and would be back Monday.So this is Monday.I will tag along just to add my voice of concern.Normally I would not interfer but the fact that he has been suffering like this for 2 weeks..never once complained to me.. never used it as excuse to use...tells me something..maybe not a Epiphany..but a wee bit of hope...maybe he is serious this time..Maybe..