Today is the day...After 6 weeks in treatment,my son is coming home.I missed him...of course I have missed the man/boy he used to be, since Addiction stole him away.Even tho I have seen glimpses of him over the years,these past 3 weeks I have heard my funny,loving,kind son more than I ever have.
I am hopeful he has picked up more knowledge,more strength,more self-esteem to continue his journey in recovery on a more solid path.
One of things he has talked about is strategic planning.This is something he has never done before.His only pre-planning was "When the cats away,the monster will come out to play".This is a good sign !
It is also a good sign that "I" will not get in his way.It is his recovery.I will sit on the sidelines and cheer him on, continue to Support & Advocate.
From Time to Time I hear people talk about there being 4C's , In reference to Addiction. I believe there are only 3. The 3C's being You didn't Cause it,You can't Control it..and you can't Cure it...The 4th C was Cope.."You can learn to cope with it." Coping by definition according to wikipedia is:In psychology, coping is expending conscious
effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to
master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.
Hmmmm..It bothered me this word Cope in reference to Addiction.
We all have coping skills..and we use them in Daily life..But I must have missed the part on" We have to learn to cope with Addiction".
No..We have to Heal !! We have to address our feelings,and give them the attention they deserve..they will be painful..but we must experience them in order to let them go and heal.
For me, My coping skills were just masking the problem..Until I could no longer Cope and realized There are not enough skills in the universe to cope with this Monster of addiction.
If I truly wanted to get better..because we are all just as sick as our loved ones,I needed to heal myself..I had to reach deep within my soul and start on my own recovery..It was not an easy Journey to get to this healing Place..But I knew..Unless I got well..I could be of no use to my son,In supporting him heal and reach his own recovery. My family deserved their Mamma Back,My Hubby his Wife..etc..I deserved myself back.Not this broken woman who some days couldn't even get out of bed..It just isn't enough to cope..You have to heal !!! So for me..It will remain..The 3C's..Just my humble opinion..xoxo
I am sharing this video that was penned by a very dear friend of mine Rose Barbour.Rose works tirelessly on our Island for all who struggle with the disease of addiction.It was put to song and video by JD White,A dad who's family has also been impacted by this horrendous disease..
I was going to write a post on coping with Addiction,however I remembered Sunday was Father's Day! I have written many times about my sweet Dad and his own struggle with the disease addiction, from which he spent the last 24 years of his life in Recovery.Many people told me on his passing ,the profound feelings of loss would get better over time.It hasn't..But Life goes on and I am able to smile at the memory's now instead of cry.. I am able to laugh at his antics and dry sense of humor instead of shedding tears..I am able to feel his love and presence each and everyday with Comfort & Pride ! I can still hear his voice each & every Father's Day saying " You were and always will be the best Father's Day gift a father could receive..I was born on Father's Day..And I loved those years when my birthday & Father's Day fell on the same Day..I loved that we both Celebrated together...Each Other..What an extremely lucky girl I was, to have got to know, the most amazing man in world ! Recovery, gave me that gift..
Recovery, gave my Boy's a grandfather who spent quality time with them and never missed a milestone in their Lives!!
Recovery, gave countless people, still struggling, the pleasure of his company,whether it be over coffee,driving them to appts,buying them a meal,Finding them a warm place to spend the night..he "payed it forward" before those words became popular..He gave back continually !
Recovery allowed him to care for my mom, in her last years, slowly dying from her own disease, from which she just could not reach recovery..But you could still see & feel the deep love they had for each other..
Recovery did not come from the smokey dark rooms of AA,which I sat and celebrated with him the many times he picked up his "1 year chip"..And watched him sneak off to the bootleggers to" Celebrate" his milestone..As he would look so sheepishly sad the next day and say" AA" is just not for me..And the battle would begin again on his journey to reach Recovery.
Recovery came after a stint in Jail and the birth of his first Grandchild ( my son).When he was released and came home, we were waiting with that bundle of joy in our arms..he cried..I cried..I told him then,I could not let my son experience, what we as a family experienced growing up with his disease..His grandson deserved to know the real man behind the disease, who I knew was there and had seen him many times between "1 year chips". He never drank again !! So don't tell me love does not play a role in achieving Recovery.
Recovery brought each and everyone of one us the feeling of unconditional Love..As was evident on the day we said our good-byes.We all gathered in a circle,holding hands, His sons,his daughter,his grandsons & granddaughters to share our feelings of love and embrace him one last time.no one spoke..you could hear the silent tears,the muffled cries,when out of the silence came this shaky weak voice.." I was always his favorite you know"..His Grandaughter..looking very pleased with herself for telling us all this..And it began..No..I was his favorite..NO I was..remember the time..And so it spread around that circle..That special feeling of warmth and unconditional love that every person should experience as a son,daughter,grandchild,That my friends is what Recovery brought to our Family. I hope my Bro's do not follow my blog because I am about share with you something my father whispered in my ear.." You will always be my Fav"..
Happy Father's Day My Sweet Dad..Love you always.. P.S. I slipped him one of his" 1 year chips" ( that he carried with him daily) to take with him, on his next journey..just in case..xoxo
It has been a week of positives...in small ways..Great things come in small packages as my 4 ft.10in. Mamma used to say.My son's tune-up seems to be just what he needed..He is talking the talk..let's see if he can Walk the Walk. I am reminded daily The road to recovery can be a long and twisted one...and even those in solid recovery can falter..it is a daily..even minute to minute journey for life.The more tools they have the better, to win this battle, but that monster is always waiting on sidelines to slip back in at anytime.He has added a few more tools..let's hope he uses them to construct..rather than destruct.. As for me..my recovery is sailing steadily through the sometimes rough seas.I am so proud.
One thing I have learned is too keep my circle of friends..supporters small. Being on the more Introverted side of life, my circle was never large to begin with ! I found tho even it needed culling..So over the past year I have been able to achieve just that.I have replaced those who have dropped off ( pushed out) with positive people, who are on the same wave length as myself..and a few who challenge me daily to think outside my comfort zone and allow me to grow! It is so empowering to actually take control of my own life and see who I really am..The funny thing is, I actually like who I am becoming !!! I have decided to keep the shoot from hip kinda girl in me..I always liked her ;)
This family disease of addiction you suddenly find yourself in, literally gives you the biggest kick in the gut..brings you to your knees..Emotionally and physically..The longer you stay down..the sicker you become..You have to dig deep and pull yourself back up or it wins!! This sucker is not going to win with this Mamma..xoxox
