That would be my oldest son,Always was and will be,wise beyond his years.
It makes me sad he and family live so far away,but I am so glad he is far enough away from the life we are living today.There is a 5 year age difference between he & his younger brother,which has saved him from seeing most of his brother's addiction Journey.But he always asks about him,voices his opinion, and expresses his concerns about what this is doing to us.I hope someday they are able to heal their relationship.
He called yesterday to see how things were going,when I told him he may be getting a chance at treatment at a center close to where he lives( 3 hours away),he quickly said " I hope he doesn't think I am going to visit him"..I did tell him his brother mentioned it.." Well I won't..Until I know for sure he is serious and on the right path to recovery". That's my Boy :)
Although I question myself on why we were given such turmoil & heartache with my youngest son,I embrace the fact we were also given my oldest son First.I guess someone,somewhere decided you were blessed with best, now lets see how you handle The challenging one.One day at time would be the answer,sometimes one minute at time.
I love both my son's equally,But I am so grateful for my Old soul,somedays it is he who keeps me going..xoxo
After work yesterday my son dropped in for supper,A daily occurrence that I do not mind as we are home and at least he gets 1 good meal a day.He is gaunt,thin, but not high from drugs,he also agrees to random drug testing, so we know it is just methadone( illegally bought) he is taking and not actively using IV opiates.
I gave him a drive to where he is living and we had a open
discussion about his situation.He tried to work on my emotions by telling me he can't handle this too much longer.He hates where he is living,I told him he is lucky he has a place to live,many do not,even if it is a mattress on the floor in his friends storage area.He expressed remorse for what he has put us through,money he has cost us,My response was he could repay us when he gets well, But the biggest repayment would be seeing him in recovery and doing the work to help himself. He did not think he could last much longer and fears he is going to die or gets desperate enough to commit suicide.I told him to put his big boy panties on..he has been in far worse shape and survived and if he truly wanted to have a life, drug free he could do it!! Inside my heart was breaking...But I know he is where he needs to be, to realize just how far down the hole he is in,perhaps now he can see,that only he can figure how to get out.He has never been suicidal..depressed..although I can't dismiss it all together,I think he was just trying to manipulate his way back home.We cannot take him back home,He has to find his own way back home..I pray he does...
I know a few people read my blog,I have a question,please share your answer even if it isn't what I want hear,It may be what I need to hear!! This has been a stumbling block for me,My brick wall.
Here Goes:
If Addiction is a disease ( a fact we all know),Why is it wrong to help them get well,I do not mean enabling them,I think I have that one ( almost) mastered.Every blog I read handles things differently...and each outcome is different no matter what they do or do not do...some for the better..some for the worse.I don't know if it is my nursing that prevents me from taking that final step of handing it over to a higher power..Or if it is just me in denial..making excuses..making me feel better by helping..I do not know...It has been compared to cancer..diabetes..etc..In the fact they need the best possible treatment..If it was Cancer..I surely wouldn't say..your on your own...It is your disease..you handle it..I know it is their choice to use..But after that the drug is in charge..Not them.
I guess I'm asking as I have had a few e-mails regarding my fighting on my son's behalf for better treatment..That I am wrong in doing this..What is wrong about that??? He has a disease..He needs treatment that is not available here..I know if he gets the treatment he needs..and screws it up..I will be done..But I feel until he gets that chance I cant stop fighting!!
Thanks..xo
Well after a day filled with e-mails..letter writing..phone calls..I made some headway in getting my son into a longer treatment program..Yes perhaps the fact that I told them I was going to the media with his story might have helped a wee bit..My son also agreed to tell his story( nightmare) publicly in hopes of accessing better treatment.
Was it all lip service to an Irate Mamma..maybe..maybe not..we will see what happens in the coming weeks..Remaining silent however, gets you nothing.
I was told,assured that an announcement was being made in regards to the methadone program.More spaces for those needing it, which will result in shorter wait times..A much needed change!
Being a Child of the 60's with sit ins..protests..flower power..might just be coming in handy!!
One step closer to getting my Peace..
http://youtu.be/4rpz3-kj0q8
So I am back from vacation...A wonderful 10 days full of smiles & giggles & so much love..what life should be about..I was kept so busy I had no time to think about what was going on at home...except when hubby called...I am not going to ramble on about what went on at home when I was away...lets just say nothing good happened.
I have however came to a few realizations..realisms..reality checks...foolishness..whatever you want to call them...It is what I have do for me...for him...
- He cannot live here..
- We will not fund his habit,drug dealer etc.
- I cannot find peace until he receives "Adequate" treatment,which I believe he now wants for himself,and is doing his part to stay alive long enough to get it.
- I cannot let this anger go,I can let go of my anger toward him and what he has put us through,as he is sick.The system is failing him..when he wants to succeed..reaches for help...there is no help...maybe the system can let him die..but I sure as hell can't..without a fight.
- Boxing gloves are on and I am going to talk..scream..whatever it takes to get, not only for my son,but all those son's & daughters on our fair Island the help they need!!
- I am Angry..soooooooooo Angry at a system that is failing our kids...Not only the "Youth" But all of those that suffer from Addiction.
- I am tired of him going to detox ( 7 days),Then nothing..back to the streets..
- It is a system designed to set them up for failure!!
- It is a system full of predjudices...If you do try & access what little programs are available...Your too old..no longer qualify for youth programs...If you work..sorry these programs run from 8-4...Sorry there is a waiting list..sorry sorry sorry..
- Ask Questions...we will get back to you..They never do..how do some get access to programs licky split..and others turned away???
- WEll I am going to get answers...and I will not stop until I do...Squeaky wheel gets the grease..I am going to squeak like a bansheee till I do...
- Yes I am ANGRY!!
- Gonna get me some Peace & love anyway I can..xoxoxo
I can't even think of writing about what has happened over the past 5 days...a nightmare..It is enough to say he is using again,out on the street,couch surfing...I am not sure.At risk for losing Job,Landing in Jail..or losing his life.I am going for a 10 day stay with my oldest son.His treat to me,He has no idea how much this means to me and how much I need it!! I feel bad leaving Hubby home to deal with this alone.My hope is when I return my son will be in Jail,with no other treatment available to him,This is all there is left.It has been the worst yet on this journey..xo
It has been a week since detox graduation.A week of learning for all of us.It has, after all , been the first time he finished detox.I think some things have actually seeped into my brain.I finally understand the act of enabling,do not do anything for them that they can do for themselves.Secondly is the trust issue,It is a biggie with me,I am always wanting to trust him when he is clean,but he is never really clean long enough to trust him! I read a passage somewhere,I can't remember where but it hit home( Maybe Sally Swenson's blog).Only begin to trust when their actions coincide with their words.Makes perfect sense !!
His brother informed me he wrote him an e-mail the day he got out of detox.This is a biggie since they hardly ever communicate unless my older son is home visiting.It was a letter of amends.I think my oldest son was touched but very cautious as to the words.I did not ask him about the letter or what it contained, I was just glad that my youngest son wrote...and my older son actually opened the letter and read the contents!
The week kinda went downhill from there..GRrrrrrrrrr.
He needs support of other addicts..he did well in group I was told,But in my son's mind the group he needs to go to is the one at the Center.Which is at 8:30 in the morning.He goes to work at 8:00.I suggested perhaps he could go to another at 8:00 at night..no it is not at the center,But it is a support group and he may find just as beneficial . No..he only wants to attend the one that happens when he is working and he cannot attend..ooook gotcha.
They tried to fire him at work for the time missed at work while he was in detox.No they cannot fire you for addiction...it is in the union by-laws.
The biggie came when he found out hubby and I were planning our last weekend at the cottage...Could they come out & visit...yes...as long as we are there...next day...Can we stay overnight one night...I struggle with this one..I just wanted some alone time with hubby...we also have lots to do to close up the cottage..But I agreed..one night...Then yesterday he thought we should allow he & girlfriend to have the cottage by themselves!! We could go home early and let them spend the last night there by themselves..After all he was doing so good !! Ummmmm sorry no..this is about your dad & I for a change..Invited them over for supper..after 5 minutes of pleads..and reasons why I should...I stuck to NO!! He then told me to go F&^% myself and hung up...Progress..I think not..
And how was your week? xo
We have Family dinners quite often and we always have a good time filled with love & laughter.My son very rarely attends,even tho he is always invited.
My brother hosted one on Sunday and of course invited my son. He waffled on going for fear of their questions,embarrassment over his addiction etc.He always had this Idea that no one knew,when in reality everyone knew, even when we tried to keep it hidden.I explained to him one of things I did to free myself and help me on this journey was to openly talk about his addiction with Family.I kinda broke the ice and they do now understand that addiction is a disease and will offer him support in his recovery.
He came :) He and his girlfriend had a good time..My brothers congratulated him on being clean,encouraged him to continue on this path of recovery,his younger cousins greeted him with arms wide open,lots of hugs and family time.He actually engaged in conversations,helped with cleaning up,and laughed harder than I've seen him laugh in years.Even though my eyes never left him( worried about if he was going steal something) We also had a good day !! I will take this Day,bottle it and put it away for those days that are not so good ,then I can take it back out,uncork it Celebrate that good days do exist in this world Of Addiction!! xo
Yep he checked out,I had been honest with him from the start and told him I would not be good for his recovery. I want to be!! I just can't handle the stress of dealing with both his addiction & ADHD.I want nothing more for him than to be clean & in recovery,but I can't be that person and have him live here.I can handle the million phone calls a day,the impromptu visits multiple times a day but I can't handle living in chaos & fear anymore.
We did not ask him to leave,did I quickly pack up his things for him..You bet!! He went back with his girlfriend,for how long I do not know,but for today that is where he is.Physically he is doing well,meds are working,he does talk about group,attending meetings,his counsellor,remember he has ADHD and he can talk on 50 subjects in one minute so I lost count on all the things he hit on! But he was talking positive..just to many!! Hopefully he will concentrate on just getting thro today and take tomorrow when it comes.
I did talk to his Addiction Doctor,appears he got to know him quite well in the week they spent together.He is happy with his progress,he has a very fast metabolism so that helped him with withdrawal and the meds prescribed should make the rest quite manageable on his own.He participated well in group,but was told he(son) was visibly shaken when he saw 3 very young girls in group who were IV drug users.He spoke to them and warned them of the dangers of taking this path,telling them he worked up to IV usage and to be starting this at this young age was very dangerous...yes that's my son,knows all the pitfalls,they just don't apply to him.The doctor shared this with me to point out he has alot of empathy,If he could just channel this in the right direction.His fear was the fast metabolism...double edge sword..his body also absorbs the illegal substances much faster and the high lasts much shorter,thus the danger of overdose.
He wants him to continue working with them on his recovery,he sees hope and the meds he prescribed will also help with his ADHD on a small scale.When he gets cleaner he will prescribe something for his ADHD. He can contact him anytime at the center. It was a hopeful conversation.
I will support him in recovery, at arms length and hope he makes it...xo
Against what my gut was telling me & my heart...Yes my heart won.With nowhere to go after detox,we took him.We set up the boundries...rules to follow..signed a contract ( Ha Ha),With hope and little else he settled in...we didn't!
Two Hundred dollars worth of meds later,he decided he needed more than was prescribed...Sorry Bud I am in control of meds...take as directed...call Dr.if you need a change...Asked for the car to get some candy...Sorry..no..you can't use OUR car.
2 hours later give or take an hour...he informed us that in group they talked about parents treating them like children and not adults...we were treating him like a kid..with rules & boundarys
...here we goooooooo folks!!! I smiled and said I was sitting with the group across the hall where they were teaching us not to enable and setting up rules & boundary's...Guess what group your in now ????...Our Group...Feel free to leave anytime..no rule about that..check-out time is anytime!!
Thinking my gut will win out in the end...I never was much of a groupie!
I am not sure,I do not know, how to NOT let my emotions dictate how to deal with my son.
Tomorrow he is being discharged from detox...He will not be allowed back into the family doctors Methadone program..in fact he has released him as patient all together.Thus he is now on the Addiction facility's methadone programs waiting list..He is Number 78 on the list..As much as this sounds mean to release him he is relentless in getting what he wants..wants control..has no respect..for either the DR or The Methadone program.
Apparently he was back to using big time while awaiting his bed at detox( I just found this out yesterday)...money we thought was being used to purchase methadone, was being used to purchase drugs..quite a variety of drugs in large amounts.
Their suggestion to him was, to go to a sober living facility...3 month wait...He will not make it that long without using ..a vicious cycle.
I cannot take him home...he will NOT follow any rules or boundaries we impose..I get emotionally and physically exhausted from the lies and manipulation.I am torn tho because of the lack of resources available to him...but then again..he does not seem to want to or will not take advantage of what is available.I do not know what will happen to him..Love him to death..But I see a train wreck coming when he is released and there is nothing I can do to stop it.Do I stand beside the train or do I become a casuality of this wreck..again..again & again..
My fear about detox has become a reality.The Doctor stated My son cannot successfully detox off methadone in a facility that only offers a 5-10 day detox....and nowhere to go after that.Methadone withdrawal is 10x worse than opiate and can last months and months.The medication he will leave there with to help, will basically unable him to work or function at any normal level.He predicts within a week to 10 days he would be back using.For the Addiction Center methadone program( which is free) there is a 8 month wait.The cost of his methadone is 600.00 a month for us,as he could not possibly afford to pay that and live.Social services would pay..but he cannot be working and get assistance from them.So Mamma & dad pay.Which we have done in the past and I will again IF His family Dr takes him back into his methadone program and IF he doesn't use...Stupid to pay and him using at the same time!! The Doctor stated his attitude has changed ten-fold since his last visit ( well he left).Staff thinks he is serious,attending meetings...asking good questions,Requested a counselor & be on the outpatient program. Now I have to convince his Dad!!
He said at this point with limited resources we are looking at harm reduction in form of the methadone program. Difficult ..no...!@#$%^* hard to digest that we are so behind the times in treatment and nothing is being done to move us in any forward direction !!! What to do???
